The International Ultimatum Follow-Up
03/29/2019 @ 08:03:42 PM (EDT)
Also available at https://pastebin.com/Whn7BE27
1. REACTION. Within about a couple weeks after I started drama when I posted The International Ultimatum publicly in your and Ice's Discord servers, you were expressing that you wanted to contact me and basically just wanted some kind of sign that I was open to it. After I wrote you yet another essay and tried to make it clear to you that I was, you backed off on the idea. Right after seeing your reaction, I looked back at my message, and I could see how even though I thought it was really clear that I truly wanted you to contact me and to be with you and that I was really ready for it, unfortunately you still yet again may have misunderstood and thought I was being passive-aggressive or something. Initially, I simply wasn't sure what to even do at that point because I was yet again really worried that I'd messed things up, perhaps this time too badly, so I decided I had to just give you some space and see how you started feeling. After seeing how things are developing, I know I can't just send you another message through a moderator anymore. I have to show you how invested and serious I really am about this whole thing in a very clear and decisive way, and posting this message along with The International Ultimatum that it's a follow-up to, as part of a large heartfelt message in my Discord server, along with linking both on my website as well, is the only course of action that seems appropriate at this point. I want it to be completely clear that I have absolutely no malicious intent nor any kind of hard feelings in doing this; I never have in any of the things I've ever done to you. I truly want you to know my real feelings and hope that you'll respond with the kind of warmth that would truly complete my life and eventually reach out to me to date me.
2. EXPRESSION. I've noticed that you've very recently been starting to express that you don't feel normal or fine. I don't think it's a coincidence that this is happening very shortly after I've given you some space yet again. Even before, I had a lot of trouble believing that you didn't love me. Now, after you continue to give me so much attention and affection well after I posted The International Ultimatum publicly, I have an even harder time believing you're doing all this without having a lot of warmth and love for me in your heart. I've noticed that you've also very recently yet again started to express worry that I have someone else in my life. Not only am I never giving up on you nor moving on from you, I truly am never even going to try. I truly don't have anyone else in my life. I don't know if you're hearing rumors that I have someone else or if you're just going crazy wondering and worrying and that's causing you to think I have someone else, but I truly don't and never have. If anyone is saying I do or ever did, they're lying. I'm single. I've been single my whole life. I was single when I started talking to you and I've remained single the entire time since. I'll continue to remain single for the rest of my life if you won't ever date me. I'm completely serious. You need to stop being so worried and feeling so insecure that I have someone else, because I seriously don't and never will. I don't know how many times I need to repeat this, but I'll do so as many times as it takes so you understand I'm being honest about it. I haven't mentioned this before, but I might as well now. I can actually read microexpressions very well. If you're not familiar with them, you can Google the show "Lie to Me". It's one of my very few favorites. For some time now, I've noticed that your expression flashes worry at the thought of me leaving you for real, and sadness when you act tough and push me away. I don't say you're so precious while being terrified that this could all be a joke to you; I know very clearly that you truly care a lot about the things I'm telling you. I can't be completely certain you're madly in love with me just from that, but it already makes it seem pretty promising that by extention, you've also come to start to really care about me as a person and also eventually having a relationship with me work out.
3. LEAVING. I very firmly retain my position that I've meant everything I've said in The International Ultimatum. I'm not changing my mind. Ever. I want you to truly know and understand that completely clearly. I'm never forgetting about you nor this potential breathtakingly amazing relationship. Honestly, I felt pretty sure that you'd need more time to really reflect deeply on this whole thing and make a decision that you knew didn't feel like a rushed one. I want you to know very clearly that you don't have to be afraid about having a massive mental breakdown on stream in the future to be with me. When you're ready to talk, you can just contact me directly. You can do it however you feel most comfortable, I don't have any preference. I'll reply quickly and I'm truly not going to be angry at all. I think you'll be pretty nervous in the very beginning, but you'll very quickly feel a lot better after seeing how I'm talking to you and you'll feel really relieved and be able to relax a lot more. I can really understand how it makes the most sense for you to have some space right now and truly be able to see that I mean everything I've said and that I'm not changing my mind. I want you to know very clearly that I'm still very ready and willing to be with you at any time, even in the very near future if you end up feeling ready to reach out to me pretty quickly after reading and processing this. You could reach out to me right after you finish reading this, and I'd be more than willing to take the next plane to LA to be with you. I don't expect it to happen quite that quickly, but I just want you to know that I'm truly ready to be with you at any moment, just like I've told you before, and that hasn't and won't change. I've already told you that I try very hard not to miss your streams and that I check VODs every time if I do. That still hasn't changed. I'm still not going anywhere. I'm still never giving up on you. I'm still never moving on from you. It should've already been very clear to you that this was going to be the case. I know I'll feel sad, worried, and lonely waiting to be contacted by you, but I'd feel infinitely worse not waiting because of knowing it's never going to happen. I've already told you my plans for the future, and I'm going to reiterate once again that I have every intention and capability to carry through with them. I've already talked to my boss and told him I quit. He was very understanding and told me there's still room for me to work in the future if I ever become interested in it again. For now, I'm going to finish working on the relaunch of NoStory, just like I told you I would. I'm actually expecting to be able to do the relaunch by the beginning of next month. I'm currently finishing up some final touches to the updates. If you don't feel comfortable being open about it yet but are still curious, you can feel free to secretly try the server and even be a part of the Discord if you want and I have absolutely no problem with that. I'm going to be very active on Discord and on my site's new forums for the entirety of April, showing you that I'm not trying to run or hide from you. Whether I know it's you or not, explicitly or implicitly, I'll respect your decision to remain lowkey and pretend I don't have any idea even if I suspect it.
4. ISOLATION. If you don't contact me directly by the end of April, I'm going to drastically lower my computer usage to most likely only 1-2 hours a day, and meditate in isolation for most of my waking hours. I really want you to understand that it's truly not over, even if it reaches the point that I enter isolation. I'm definitely not jumping right into the prison approach. I've waited this long, and I'd infinitely rather wait even several more months before being contacted by you if I absolutely have to, as much as I'd really rather not have to, as opposed to never having it happen. I'd infinitely rather miss you in solitude as opposed to missing you while pretending to be okay and hanging out with other people I don't really care about. I'm not going to start going out and trying to pick up girls regardless. I'm not going to start looking for other girls anywhere on the internet regardless. I'm not going to ever seek a relationship with anyone else through any means regardless. I'm not going to play any more games in or out of a relationship with you regardless. I'm not going to be with anyone else, even if girls start throwing themselves at me. I mean it. I've told you this before, my phone wallpaper and desktop background really are pictures of your face. I truly never even want to try to forget you, no matter how you feel. It's truly a future with you or a future of meditation in isolation and destroying society and the world after, and I'm ready to go full speed ahead with whichever you decide you want. I've made up my mind and that's final. I won't accept the notion that "sometimes life just isn't fair" is even remotely a viable reason why we shouldn't be together forever. I won't. Period. Call me stubborn. Call me crazy. Call me whatever you want. It's not changing the facts. I know you've given up many opportunities to have relationships with other people to continue to build a connection with me. You know I've given up many opportunities to have relationships with other people to continue to build a connection with you. You shouldn't regret your decision, and I certainly have no hesitation in saying I definitely don't. I really don't think you did this just to laugh at me and leave me in the end, and I certainly didn't do it all to do that to you in the end either. Don't be afraid of me leaving you. Seriously, don't. I'm not going anywhere. I'm still watching. I'm still thinking of you everyday. I still care very much about you and I want you to know that completely clearly. You've been my number one priority since you entered my life and I want you to know and understand completely clearly that you always will be. I've literally never said that to anyone other than you and I never will. I've literally never even thought of saying that to anyone other than you and I never will. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it completely.
5. CONVINCING. How many times do I have to say I'm never moving on? How many times do I have to say that we're not better off without each other? How many times do I have to say that it's literally the end of the world if you don't take this seriously and understand the only good decision you have? How many times do I have to say that I think you're the sexiest girl that could ever exist, a real goddess, that I want to be with you more than anything else and that my feelings will never change? Look, there truly is no middle ground here. Either my efforts pay off, I actually get the one and only thing I've always really wanted more than anything else in life, and I don't end up driven to literally end the world, or my efforts don't pay off at all and I surely start heading down the path of extreme destruction. I've mentioned before that I've been denied of a lot of things in life, and I very firmly maintain that being with you isn't something I'm ever willing to accept being denied of, for any reason. I noticed that quite recently, you said you can be convinced to do a lot of things if it's done right and for the right reasons. If there's anything you're doing here, you're setting yourself up to be convinced to be with me. So if I don't get this, not only did I fail when I tried so hard, wanted it more than anything else, and felt like I deserved it so much... But I would've failed to convince someone under those circumstances who was literally just recently talking about being convincable to do a lot of things if it's done right and for the right reasons. Does it really make any sense to you, knowing exactly how I've treated you up until this point, to believe I'm not truly doing this with the purest good intentions and truly wanting you in my life so badly? Does it really make any sense to believe I wouldn't feel absolutely destroyed and devastated for the rest of my life without you, very much so driven to massive destruction out of sadness and anger, when it's well within my capabilities and the only thing congruent with my personality under those circumstances?
6. CONSEQUENCES. Like, I don't care if it comes off desperate. Without you, I'm either destroying the world or killing myself. Maybe I'd be able to last a few years, but not very long. I definitely wouldn't even live to 35, and most likely not even 30. You're literally everything I could ever dream of. Super sexy. Super sweet. Extremely strong character. Really pleasant to listen to voice. Extremely passionate in love. Likes games. Likes ASMR. Really good at making ASMR. Really relaxing and pleasant whisper. Makes me feel super loved and wanted. What more do you think I could possibly want? Every single part of you is ideal and dreamy to me. I've never trusted anyone else like this. I never will. I never want to. I've never felt even nearly so convinced that someone else was the one for me. I never will. I never want to. I need you in my life. Badly. I actually literally cry every single day from missing you so much. I'm not normally the type that cries. Before this, I haven't cried since I broke a bone in my leg when I was like 7. I know it's not going to get any better without you in my life. Ever. You took this as far as you did. You knew there was a high chance I wouldn't be okay at all without you. You still kept going and even now you're continuing. I won't ever accept that you did all this just wanting to tell me that "life just isn't fair sometimes" in the end and laugh. I won't accept that I was meant to try so hard and get so far, only to fail at getting the one thing I've only ever really wanted, when there's really no good reason I shouldn't succeed. I won't accept it, I won't allow it, I won't ever be even remotely okay with it... How many different ways can I say it? If you at all consider yourself a responsible person, you should already be well aware that actions have consequences, and the consequences of your actions in our connection is that you have to reach out to me to date me soon and follow through with it when I undoubtably agree without hesitation, or I'm going to be extremely miserable for the rest of my life and I'm eventually going to reciprocate that misery onto you and the rest of the world.
7. LONELY. I'm not chasing you out of any fear of being lonely. Being afraid of something means that you feel inclined to take actions that would inhibit you expressing yourself in the way that you really want to. I've been extremely alone my entire life, and every step of the way in this connection, it was constantly so subject to worry that it wouldn't work out that I realized very quickly that I couldn't deal with you in any way where I was inhibiting myself from acting in a way completely consistent with who I really am. I have absolutely zero fear towards being alone for the rest of my life, I just know that it'd result in me becoming an extremely cold person that would start taking a course of action that would be very destructive for the entire world, and since I've never been the type to want that, I'd much rather prefer to be with you instead so things don't end up that way. As a result, while I'm not afraid, I'm still worried whether things will work out well or not. There's nobody out there anywhere close to as good for me as you, much less better to any extent. There's nobody else that can stop me from heading down a very destructive path. These are just facts. I know it may seem hard for you to believe right at this point in time because of all the guilt you must feel towards all the things you've put me through. I don't face them with fear, anger, or sadness, I face them with a level-headed view and the rational position that any deep relationship needs to overcome hardship in order to build closeness, and I truly feel like building a connection with you the way I have sets a much more solid foundation than if I had just hung out with you and had a bunch of sex early on and hoped that we could try to cope with each other and try to figure out that the relationship was deeper after. My perception is that this is where you'd like to be about all this mentally too, you just need a little more reassurance from me to fully be okay with moving forward in the way you feel most comfortable and appropriate. This position is a very passionate one with a lot of emotions involved that fuel the strength of the foundation of it, and I'm well aware of that. In order to remain congruent with my position and be able to expect the results I want, coming from an objectively rational standpoint, I need to be able to expect and endure any hardships that make sense as a result of the challenges I'm choosing to take on, and I've always been ready for that too. I truly don't want you to feel guilty for me feeling really lonely right now; I want you to be able to see and understand how much I truly love you so you can start to appropriately reciprocate that as it starts to feel right. It may seem scary or complicated, but it's really that simple. I truly don't want you to be confused about it at all, it's just the nature of the situation that you would be. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I truly don't enjoy seeing you hurting at all and I never have. My perception is that you truly don't enjoy seeing me hurting at all either and never have, but you know you have to act a certain way in order for reaching out to me to pursue a serious relationship in the future to actually make complete sense to you.
8. FEELINGS. I've really never had any hard feelings towards you, even from the first time I caused drama. I was really thinking of marrying you from the first time I met you. This tough period has lasted so long because it started in general, and since both of us really care, there's no way it'd end quickly... But I'd truly never do anything to endanger our relationship if we were together. I wouldn't even tease you with the idea. I've never been the type to like fighting for the sake of it, and that's never going to change. I'm really hoping that letting you reflect this way shows that to you. I really would end up having to give an ultimatum to anyone I'd ever pursue, even if they weren't famous nor had a period of a tougher connection with me. I wouldn't want to be with someone that I can't be honest with about the kind of knowledge and power that I really have. I wouldn't want to be with someone that I can't express the full extent of how invested I am to. In trying so hard to hold onto this, I truly am being as positive as I can be. I truly am being as warm and loving as I can be. I'm truly being the best version of myself that I can be. I feel very blessed that you have the emotional and mental stability to handle this connection really gracefully. You may have done some hurtful things in the past, and so have I, but we've both been very sensitive to each other afterwards every time, and we've never done anything to each other that was really bad to the point that our connection couldn't recover from it. I know that you're being as positive as you can be too, being the best version of yourself that you can be. You show it in your own way, and it may come off to many people as questionable, but I want you to know that I truly don't have a problem with it if you really love me as much as it seems you do. I want you to know very clearly that I see this and have an immense amount of appreciation for it. I don't tell you you're amazing just because it sounds good. I truly feel like you're the most amazing person I've ever known.
9. TOXIC. I've always been the type to identify, distance myself from, and eventually cut off anyone toxic in my life as quickly as possible. If I truly believed you were just being toxic, I would've stopped talking to you long ago. That being said, if you're truly not toxic, then you need to stop acting in a way that very easily can come off toxic. There are only 2 lines of reasoning that can explain why you've done what you've done. Either you've constantly been having your love for me genuinely growing more and more passionate to the point that now you're definitely seriously considering being with me soon, which is what I'm hoping for and believe to be the case, or you're an extremely toxic person that is absolutely rotten to the core. I need to know which it is. I don't like wasting time. I don't like being played with. You're so precious to me that I've been very patient, but even the leniency I can accept having towards you has a limit. I need to be in a healthy and positive relationship if I'm going to be in one. I need you to know and understand completely clearly that I truly don't like being hurt or played with and that you definitely can't be nearly so dishonest with me anymore if you're going to seriously be with me. I can say with complete confidence that this truly isn't some ego thing for me. I'm not trying to "beat" you or feel like I "won" against you in some harsh view towards you. I'm truly not judging you for the seemingly questionable things you've done so far. I don't feel any sense of moral superiority towards you, nor would I ever want to. I'm not trying to teach you a lesson here. I truly did everything I've done in all the time you've known me with the wholehearted intent to prove my love to you, knowing that if you kept giving me attention and showing me interest, I'd be able to show you very clearly how much I really love you in the end. As hard as it may seem to believe at the beginning, it's the truth, it's not going to change, and I'm sure you'll start to understand and feel it eventually, if it's not already happening. I've never been the type that likes to prove people wrong or teach them lessons, I just have no hesitation to do so if it turns out that they really are toxic and trying to hurt me. I can only hope that you haven't just been trying to hurt me or teach me some kind of lesson this whole time, and although it's worrying because obviously I can't be completely certain what's going through your head, I truly choose to believe the best in you. After all, what would it say about me to love someone so much and try so hard to date them if I thought they were a shitty person, all while claiming that I have very positive and wholesome personality traits and am a very positive and warm person by nature? It's completely not in my character to live my life in such a contradictory way.
10. DISAPPOINTMENT. I've gotten this far, and I couldn't be further from disappointed. Sometimes it feels like it'd be hard to stay positive, but I know how much this really means to me. I know that it's impossible for me to stay positive at all if I can't stay positive about getting to be with you. I need you to understand that as amazing as you are, you need to be more honest and decisive if this is going to happen, but I think you're already well aware of that. I know you have it in you. I can wait as long as I need to. I can't start forcing this aggressively, you need to be more assertive in going after it eventually. I find it impossible to believe that you did all this hoping to be enemies or part ways in a really bittersweet way, and I certainly wasn't either. I truly see you in far too positive of a light to believe you're that toxic. I want you so badly I'm going crazy. I need you in my life in order to feel like everything I've been through was worth it, or I feel suicidal and destructive. I love you more than words can describe. I mean it when I say I've never even really loved or pursued a woman before, but I met you once and already knew it was you or nothing. I felt a unique attraction to you even when I had just started talking to you online very early on... The things that I'd feel comfortable saying, the way you noticed them and showed me you cared when I knew others hadn't... You felt extremely special to me from the very beginning. I don't care if this probably just seems like a huge shit show to most people. I put my heart into this and give it everything I've got every single day. I know it can't be easy for you either. It certainly isn't a shit show to me, and it certainly doesn't seem to me that it's a shit show to you, and that's all I need to know to be certain that caring with everything I've got is worth it. I need you to really understand that life as a whole and everything it may have to offer all means absolutely nothing to me without you. With that perspective in mind, it should be pretty easy to understand that feeling as close as I could ever be to a potential relationship with you in the future would naturally be something as far away from disappointing as it could possibly get for me. I've been reflecting a lot on purpose, meaning, and success. I feel like if I was going to be successful at earning your love and eventually getting to be with you, as crazy as it may seem to anyone else, this is what success looks and feels like for me in the beginning. I don't see you as some kind of trophy, but I certainly know it'd be a legendary achievement to pull this off. I'm never going to doubt how amazing we'd both have to be for it to happen, and you shouldn't either.
11. HARD. I know I have a really tough side to me, but that's not something I want you to be afraid of. Songs like No Name, Why, and Warm Up aren't meant to scare you away, they're meant to be empowering and show you that nobody should ever dare to stand between us. I want you to feel safe and protected. I want you to feel warm and comfortable. I truly want the best for you and I always have. I'm not afraid to command power, but I don't want you to feel controlled against your will. I want you to be prepared to see my harder side sometimes around other people when I feel like it's right, and not have you feel personally attacked or targeted by things I express about people or circumstances that have hurt me in the past. I don't see you the same way I see those other people, and I really want you to know that with complete confidence. I can be really cold if people are really cold to me, but I truly only ever want to be really warm to you always and forever. I'm not a mean person by nature, and the extremely tender feelings I have towards you make me want to be even warmer to you. I really have only ever been colder to you because I wanted you to know how much I care about being with you and how badly I seriously know I'd do almost anything to get it. My boss once asked me if I'd kill to be with you. I didn't hesitate at all to answer. I would. Very easily. I'd say the same to anyone else who ever asks. I can be very scary and dangerous in general if I'm pushed to be, and although I have extreme warmth and sensitivity with a lot of understanding and gentleness towards you, I don't want you to think I'm some beta pussy in general, because I'm really not. You just touch my heart so deeply that I can be extremely understanding towards you and I don't feel like I'm being a beta pussy in doing so. I think the contrast with how I treat you compared to how I generally view and treat people should be something that only touches your heart more and makes you feel the intense love that I have for you even moreso.
12. SEX. Recently, you've expressed that you want me to just let everything on my mind out. You've went to the point of mentioning that anyone that wants to contact you should talk in your Discord or message one of your mods. It doesn't seem like a coincidence that this is coming very shortly after you yet again have good reason to worry I'm really gone. So, you want to hear everything on my mind? Well, I want to share it with you too, so here goes. I'd love to be a lot more sexual and explicit towards you already, but I really don't want to start coming off creepy. Maybe it really worries you that it seems I'm not really that interested in your body and just know what sweet things to say to keep your attention. It'd make a lot of sense for you to worry about that because I never really talk about sex even though I've told you that you're the most attractive person in the world to me multiple times at this point. Listen, I really don't take it lightly to call you a goddess. I've told you before that I'd love to be able to tell you that you're a goddess in person, and I want you to know completely clearly that I absolutely mean it. I absolutely completely mean it when I say I find you to be the most attractive person ever by far. I know it may be really hard for you to believe, because I'm pretty sure you don't see yourself that way. But I truly want you to know that's how I feel about you, and I wouldn't be shy nor hesitant at all to really enjoy telling you that in person. I'd love to say it to you every single day. Literally nobody could ever hope to turn me on like you do. I don't feel completely comfortable going into detail here, but I'm going to do it anyways because I really feel like it's necessary at this point. Your face is the most beautiful face I've ever seen. I still have a picture of you without make-up, and you're still just as beautiful. Your breasts are perfect, certainly not small, but also not too big. Your butt is perfect, really thick and juicy, but not so large that it's too much, and shaped perfectly with your hips and thighs. You're not tall, but not really short either, just short enough for it to be really cute and attractive. I've always found Korean women by far the most attractive of any other race, and you're full Korean and certainly clearly look it to me. I literally think your body is absolutely perfect in every single way and I want you to know and understand that completely clearly with absolutely no doubt in your mind whatsoever. I wasn't completely sure exactly what perfection in my eyes would look like before I met you, but literally instantly when I saw you, I was like, "that". Let me tell you something else very clearly that I want absolutely no doubt in your mind about too. If we're together, it's definitely going to be very sexual. Very. I'm going to want to do sexual things with you every single day. I'm not exaggerating in the slightest. I'm going to very clearly express interest in you sexually all the time. I understand that it wouldn't be appropriate to always be very sexual with you everywhere, so don't think I'm too wild about it, but I'm not going to be shy about it at all, especially when we're alone together. Ever. Not even from the beginning. I don't want you to feel shy about receiving my attention and compliments sexually and reciprocating it as much as you want at all either. I'm certain that I'll never let you feel any lack of attention or satisfaction in that area. I have to be honest and say that I definitely wouldn't have ever wanted you so badly if you weren't so sexy that not being able to do sexual things with you for the rest of my life and not even trying my hardest to, especially when I could see so many signs you really wanted to as well, would leave me feeling like I should seriously question my sexuality. Let me tell you, I don't question my sexuality in the slightest, I never have, I never will, and I'm certain it'll never change and neither will my position on ever questioning it. We may have never done anything sexual together yet, but I'm absolutely completely confident that I'd enjoy doing sexual things with you more than I would with anyone else, and that I'll always feel that way for the rest of my life. I'd have absolutely no hesitation to elaborate and be extremely explicit as much as you can handle if you talk to me, although I've already been pretty explicit here, so I think that should already be fairly obvious. I'm far from small between my legs, so I have no worries about being able to satisfy you in that regard and I don't want you to be worried about it either. My current basically complete lack of discussion in that area before now is in no way a reflection of the extent of my interest and desire towards you; it's actually so strong that I don't think I can talk about it if I'm not dating you without coming off creepy. I want you to understand my views and feelings here very clearly, because I know you'd absolutely need to if this was ever going to happen and work out well. I want you to feel completely confident that I truly find you extremely sexy and truly wouldn't want to be shy nor hold back at all on being sexual with you, even very quickly after seeing you for the first time after so long. I'm not questioning what we're going to do if you pick me up at the airport and take me home. I'm not questioning how we're going to spend hours of our time every single day when we're alone together. You shouldn't be either. I'm sure we'll talk a lot, and I can always enjoy a pleasant conversation especially with people I care about, but we definitely won't be just talking. I know I've said a lot to you up to this point, but I want you to know and understand completely clearly that my feelings for you are far too strong for words alone to ever be enough.
13. ACCOMPLISHMENT. You may also be worried that I'd feel accomplished or satisfied after having fun with you for a while, getting a bunch of sex, and then I'd get bored of you. I want you to know and understand completely clearly the fact that it's definitely not happening. You're so attractive to me that I'm certain I'd never have enough of you. Never. I don't even need to do anything at all sexual with you to already completely clearly know that's how I'll feel for the rest of my life. I'm not exaggerating. It should at least be a lot clearer now that all that's been said. I think it's also clearer why I'm still going after you and want you to stop playing with the idea of being with me and just go for it as quickly as it feels right. This isn't a game for me. I'm not just saying things that sound nice. I'm not being passive-aggressive. I'm not trying to play with your head nor your heart. I'm not doing this out of spite, resent, or confusion. It makes me so sad all the ways this situation can be misunderstood despite all my efforts. Fuck, with all the effort I've put in and all the interest you've shown me, is it really creepy to say I want to be in bed with you very badly? It seems like you should be touched, flattered, and even turned on to hear that at this point, not creeped out. I really want to tell you these things and I really feel like you want to hear them, but I'm still worried that it might come off weird. I really feel like I'm going crazy like this. I don't want to come off like I'm just thirsty or something, but come on, what more can I even say? Does it really make any sense to think I'm joking? Does it really make any sense to think I want you so bad but I'm at all hesitant to go for it if you do? Does it really make any sense to think I'm laughing at you for wanting me when I clearly want you so badly that you could be laughing at me too? Does it really make any sense to think I'd want to hurt someone that so clearly is so precious to me for multiple really good reasons? I've been trying my hardest not to hide it, but somehow it still feels like it's hidden in plain sight. I want that to end with this message. I want you. Very badly. Don't doubt it. At all. Know it. Feel it. Understand it. Act on it. Soon. Please. I'm really not trying to be unclear here. There's very good reason I've called you a goddess so many times now.
14. GIVING BIRTH. You've very recently mentioned that you really don't want to ever give birth. Listen, I've already told you that I've never wanted children nor ever found the idea of having children appealing. In fact, I'd extend what I said to include that I don't find having children appealing whether they're naturally given birth to by my partner, adopted, through a surrogate, or by any other means. I simply don't find ever having children appealing in general. I'm just one of those kinds of people. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that you truly shouldn't have any worries in the slightest about not wanting to give birth. I don't want you to go through that either, and not even just because I don't want you to have to deal with the hormonal imbalance, weight gain, and pain of delivery. You won't ever have to debate, fight, or convince me in any way to avoid having to give birth to children or have them from any source. In fact, I'd be the one against it. This whole time, I've actually been really worried that you really wanted children badly eventually, and I'd actually have to debate or fight with you not to have them, since I've really never wanted them. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that this is absolutely nothing personal with you; I think you would've been a great parent if I'd wanted kids, I'm not insecure about my own abilities as a parent, and I think we'd have a great parenting dynamic together as well if it was something we both wanted. It's simply something I'm not interested in at all and have never wanted for even a moment in my entire life, regardless of life stability and capability. If we're already on the same page here, then I'm absolutely thrilled. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I didn't just say this before because I was worried about you getting pregnant with someone else's child; I've been concerned about if you'd get the wrong idea and think I wanted you to do that, but I really did say I've never wanted children because I truly don't find having children appealing in general and never have. Besides, giving birth is really detrimental to your ability to do quantum energy harvesting, and since I'd want to share a lot more details about it with you and let you start growing your abilities yourself, I'd also really want you to have maximum capabilities and potential to grow as quickly as possible in that regard as well. Make no mistake, I truly want to share all of me with you, mind, body, and spirit. I've done all this because I've always wanted that. I just know that I have to take things one step at a time and I can't be too jumpy to be impressive or flattering, as much as I'd like to, because I really don't want to send the wrong messages or mess things up. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that my lack of desire to have children in no way reflects my confidence that I truly want to spend the rest of my life with you. I also want you to know and understand completely clearly that I wouldn't ever interpret your lack of desire to have children as any kind of reflection on your confidence that you truly want to spend the rest of your life with me either. I really do trust, respect, and care about you very deeply, and I want you to know and understand that completely clearly without any room for doubt whatsoever.
15. FIGHTING. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I truly can still understand where you're coming from with the way you're currently acting, and that I still have absolutely no desire whatsoever to fight with you about anything, even after all of your more recent actions that I'm sure you've been worried about me getting upset over. I have absolutely no desire nor intention to even put up the slightest bit of resistance, real or fake, if you contact me. I truly will be extremely warm and open to you right from the very beginning of a relationship, and even if you approach the initial contact with me hesitant and a little jumpy to argue, I'll remain patient with you and show you the immense warmth that I know in my heart would feel right. I can understand that you'd still be worried if I really will be so warm to you right from the beginning of you starting to talk to me again after all this time; I want you to not have to worry anymore and know that I'm truly not upset and truly have no desire to put up any degree of resistance. I want you in my life extremely badly and I'm not trying to keep it a secret from you in the slightest. I gave you some space after you pushed me away again last time, but not because I was upset or wanted to leave you; I just felt like you must need it in order to see that I'm truly not changing my position, and I also immediately knew that the situation had become even more sensitive and I knew I had to try to really clearly understand where you were coming from and be able to make it clear to you that I do in order to respond in a way that properly conveys how I really feel and eases concerns that you must have about how I'm handling it. Besides, as you can probably imagine, this huge essay didn't take only a couple days to write.
16. HURTING. Of the things you could be doing that would be hurtful but I'd still see as a test, you're actually doing the lesser of worse things. You could've started ignoring me completely. You could've started actually formally dating someone. You could've started consistently laughing at my warmth and affection towards you. You could've consistently started questioning if my feelings for you are really genuine at all or ever were. You haven't opted to do any of these kinds of things, and for that I'm really grateful. I expected at least some degree of resistance, and the resistance you're putting up right now is still well within bounds that I can easily understand. Really, if you have no intention of being very hurtful, and smaller things like this that are very understandable as a test is the furthest extent you want to go with testing me, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I want you to know and understand that completely clearly. I don't think you'll feel the need to do this for very long before you're convinced that I truly understand and love you a lot, and I'm very willing to continue to show you my heart and let you really feel all the warmth and love that you need to feel from me before you feel comfortable with direct contact with me once again. I'm not the type to normally tell anyone I love them, so when I do, I know that I really mean it very seriously. You've touched my heart very deeply to reach the point with me that I feel so comfortable to say it to you so freely, and I definitely want you to really be able to feel that as you approach any potential direct interactions with me in the future. I want you to be able to feel as comfortable as possible listening to your heart when it's telling you that I really must love you, because it's telling you the truth.
17. DRAMATIC. In The International Ultimatum, I mentioned that if you made it clear to me that you wanted me to start drama again after dropping it in public, that I would. This however is something I was very sensitive about, right from the beginning when I wrote it. When I was talking about you making it clear you wanted it, I was talking about you really making it extremely clear. I wasn't talking about you just playing some music at the beginning of your stream or gently pushing me away and asking for some space as you have. I was talking about you literally directly mentioning me and calling me out, telling me that I need to start drama again after seeing what you're saying in order for you to truly be convinced that my feelings are real and that I truly want you to reach out to me. Anything other than that is not something I see as qualifying criteria for you actually asking me to start drama again. From the beginning, I didn't think you'd find that approach necessary. My whole intention in starting drama any time that I did was to attempt to prove to you further that my feelings for you are truly deep, warm, and real. I have no intention of ever starting drama if it's counter-productive to that goal. When I start drama, only a few people see it. At this point, I can much more effectively prove my love for you by posting The International Ultimatum along with this follow-up on my website and in my own Discord as part of a very heartfelt message, and let all the new members that join from the growth my community will see as the result of the NoStory relaunch see it. I'll discuss it freely among people in my community any time it's brought up. If anyone ever wants to know about me, my life, my goals, my dreams, my future... I'll direct them to The International Ultimatum and it's follow-up without hesitation.
18. WAITING. I used to always make coding (and especially game development) my first priority, and I'd passionately worked on improving my skills and producing something great for many years. But after you entered my life, you took the number one spot on my priority list instantly and permanently. I truly don't want you to question this at all for even a moment. I put everything in my life aside to give you my full attention and focus always. I truly have no regrets about it, and I never have for even a moment. I'm going to show you very clearly, before going into isolation if that's what it's going to take, that I'm truly not trying to run away, and that I'm truly not ashamed nor hesitant to pursue this seriously and take every action to have the best chance to achieve it and nurture it as much as I possibly can. And I'm going to do it the right way. I want it to be completely clear that when I say I'd be going into isolation to meditate, I mean it. I wouldn't be just quitting the internet. I wouldn't be just abandoning discussion about philopsychology and other topics that really make me stand out in order to be able to adopt some alternative alias and blend in more with the rest of the people on the internet. Meditation in isolation means meditation in isolation. I truly would find no meaning in and therefore have no desire to do anything else if you won't contact me by the end of April. If I have to prove even that, I will, without hesitation. I really think the effectiveness of starting drama beyond this point has considerably diminished, and I'm thankful for that. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I'm not just theoretically saying fame, money, or any other kind of success wouldn't matter to me without you. Unless I randomly drop dead or kill myself, I'm going to be famous, rich, and successful in my lifetime regardless one way or another; I'm truly still not changing my mind about anything I've said, even at that point. I really want you to know and understand completely clearly that my lack of continuing to start drama is in no way a reflection of the extent of my passionate, deep, pure, and real love and desire towards you.
19. SITUATION. I've already told you the situation I've been in recently and am currently still in, because of how invested I am in making this work. Ever since I came back from LA after causing drama on Ice's stream, I've been working a full-time job at the same time that I've constantly been trying to keep up with our connection, watching every stream or at least a good portion of the beginning of the VOD, writing The International Ultimatum, living in a temporary location that I'm paying much more than I should be because I'm paying weekly, and putting all my personal projects on hold to fully focus on trying to make this relationship work to the fullest extent I can. I've recently quit my job to focus on the NoStory relaunch, just like I said I would. I've told you that I've been at my current location because I didn't want to enter a lease and end up breaking it and losing money, which is true, but honestly, I don't even care much at all about that; I'd gladly break a lease at any time to be with you without thinking twice about it. I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest about any money I'd lose as a result. I'm not posting this message as an update to The International Ultimatum because I think it makes much more sense to leave the last version as finalized, and instead have a follow-up that shows very clearly that even well after I dropped it, you're still giving me attention and affection that you really shouldn't be if you don't love me and want to be with me eventually.
20. DANGER. I'm truly never going to do anything to even slightly endanger our potential at this point. I'm truly past the point of being willing to play any kinds of games. If you're at all uncertain about how much you really mean to me, I want to make it as clear as I possibly can to you past this point. I want you to understand very clearly that every time I was harsh to you in the past, it really hurt me a lot. I was truly really worried of losing you every single time, and I knew I'd feel devastated if I did. I truly did what I did because as much as I would've preferred not to, I knew it was necessary to have a real shot at this working out in a healthy and wholesome way. I needed my strong character traits of being honest, sincere, compassionate and resilient to stand out. I needed to see that you had significant ability for these character traits in the same powerful combination in order to be able to know you had a personality that was truly compatible with mine. I needed our connection to become and remain serious. I can very easily see you relating to this thought process in your behavior towards me. I know this connection has reached a really fragile point now. I feel like anything I say or do can easily lean towards coming off hateful or dismissive instead of the level of passionate, serious, and loving that I'm going for. I write everything with my intentions very clearly aimed to be honest, emotional, deep, and real. I want it to be completely clear why I've done all this. I'm not okay with using you to get at other girls. I'm not okay with using you as some kind of tool to any form of success. I'm not okay with just having been heard. I'm not okay with just having been given some attention. I'm not okay with some bittersweet parting. I haven't done all this just to be able to say I want to be in bed with you and not feel like I'm being creepy. I truly miss you so much every single day that it hurts, and the only cure is getting to be with you. I truly want to date you and end up marrying you. I'll truly continue to give it everything I've got until my last breath. I truly believe that I deserve to be with you and that it's achievable with enough effort and love. Nothing will ever change my mind on these things. Nothing. If I'm wrong about being able to be with you, I already know I'm not wrong about what kind of power I can achieve with a few years of meditation in isolation, and becoming a cruel overlord of the world out of sadness and anger if you won't be with me is simply a risk I've already fully accepted in pursuing you. I've never been one to avoid danger when chasing something I know I want with all my heart, and that's never going to change either.
21. FRIENDS. Look, I know you don't see me as just a friend and you never will. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I don't see you as just a friend either and I never will either. I don't want to and I don't want you to either. As far as friends go, I also want it to be completely clear that I'm not doing this because I think it's hard to make friends. It's not hard to make friends at all, at least not for me. If you're a kind, honest, passionate, intelligent, and warm-hearted person, people gravitate to you without you having to actually try, and making friends is really easy if you want to. There are people around me in the place I'm staying at, and several of them are friendly with me and consider me a friend. Even my boss enjoys being friendly with me, even after I quit, and we have casual conversations just like when I was still employed. He's always talked with me like a friend, in fact he's literally told me before that he sees me more as a little brother than an employee. And I'm not even trying in the slightest to be friendly or warm to anyone around me. That's how easy it is for me to make friends if I want to. I'm actually the one that keeps everyone around me at a distance because I don't want to waste time socializing when I have goals and dreams to pursue in my life. Without being with you, I'll never care about having friends to any extent. This is yet another thing that I'm certain will never change. I've also already mentioned to you before that I truly don't have a problem with any of your friends, whether they've ever talked poorly of me or not. I have no idea whether they have or haven't, and I truly don't care in the slightest. I don't think I'd have any issue at all being friendly with them, and I don't think they'd be very inclined to adopt an antagonistic attitude towards me if we were dating anyways. When I was very young, dealing with people was hard. But as I've grown and learned so much about psychology and philosophy, seen so many aspects of this world, and overcome so much hardship that would've likely crushed most other people to the ground, dealing with people has become mostly extremely easy for me. I truly have no concerns about dealing with you or anyone else around you if we start dating, so I really don't want you to worry at all about that.
22. TIME. I think what's going to happen is after a while, you'll end up feeling so down that you'll actually decide to do something about it and start going after me for real. Maybe you'll end up straight up having a mental breakdown to your parents, and after you convince them of the potential of this relationship and get their approval to go for it, you'll reach out to me. Maybe you'll have a mental breakdown on stream. Maybe you'll just call me crying. I really don't know. What I do know is that this is probably a lot to take in right now, and you simply probably wouldn't miss me enough yet to reach the point of doing any of these kinds of things. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that if you start to pursue me, you won't have to try to convince me in the slightest to get to be with me. Literally just ask to date me and I'm all yours. If you start missing me a lot and you're still really worried about how I'll react to you reaching out to me, at least try joining my Discord server on your main account and see how I react. I'm telling you now that I've already made a role that I've currently assigned myself but created with the intention of only ever giving it to you; if you join my server, the first thing I'm going to do as soon as I notice is give you that role. If you're really worried about doing anything else initially, just try joining. I promise you won't be disappointed. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that while I want you to take any time you absolutely need before contacting me to pursue a relationship seriously, I'm not trying to encourage you to distance yourself from me in any way. I can see how some distance for a little while longer can still be positive to building an even stronger foundation for a relationship in the future, but past a certain point, you should also clearly recognize that it'd start becoming detrimental and counter-productive to building a stronger foundation for a relationship. I can understand that there's reason to test our connection as things currently are, but at the same time, I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I've never encouraged you to take actions that would erode at a positive foundation for a future relationship between us, and I'm never going to start.
23. ACTING. No matter how tough you act or how much you deny it right now, I really feel like you're just really worried and "acting 12" as you say. I can see that you know you're hurting yourself with how dishonest you're being... I feel a very intense feeling that you love me, so I know there must be a good reason. Feeling like you really need the genuine approval of your parents to be with me already seems like a good enough reason in itself. I'd never have this problem myself, but I can understand that since you actually have a good relationship with your parents it's something you're worried about, and I can respect that you value their opinions considerably. Personally, I think you shouldn't be afraid of your parents' judgement at all. You shouldn't feel the need to force yourself to feel really lonely and hold off on contacting me and being with me just to prove a point. Your parents shouldn't want, need, or expect you to, to any extent. But I want you to know that I truly don't want to be forcing you into a position that you're really uncomfortable with if you're really that worried about it, so if you absolutely feel the need to take that time, then you should do it. I suppose only time can tell if I'm right or not about you loving me; you must already be well aware that it shouldn't take very long to already have a really convincing case to present to anyone you'd feel the need to. Think about how it makes you feel every time you read one of these essays I send you... other people obviously can't relate exactly because they're not the one it's directed to, but even they can sense the intensity and passion that it must take for someone to go to the lengths I have to attempt to form a positive connection with you and have a really deep and meaningful relationship in the end that we both know is completely real. I haven't been faking this whole thing. I really don't think anyone could ever fake such intense, deep, passionate feelings. I think you should already be able to feel to a significant extent that it really doesn't make any sense for someone to fake something like this, and that's because your heart is right in feeling that. Don't doubt it.
24. HOPE. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that my hope that I'll be with you eventually truly is what gets me out of bed in the morning and helps me sleep at night. I don't want to write you essays forever, and I didn't write you essays up to this point to give up. That being said, I know there must be a point where writing essays loses it's effectiveness. As of this message, I've opened up to you so much and clarified so many things so thoroughly to the best of my abilities. I don't think there's anything left that I should have to say anymore. I've tried my best to make my intentions and desires as clear as possible, and now it's up to you to make a decision. There are only 2 ways this can go. Either you eventually start to fully realize, internalize, accept, reciprocate, and act upon my extremely intense, deep, real love for you, and reach out to me to start dating me so it can finally happen, or you're going to start becoming permanently more and more distant until it becomes completely clear that this was all just an extremely cruel game for you and you're actually a monster... And I seriously find it extremely hard to believe you're a monster like that, which is something that truly gives me a lot of hope every day. I've gotten to know you to an extent I'd like to believe is decently well throughout the last 2 years that I've interacted with you, and you've really never given off an intensely cold and cruel vibe that would be consistent with someone who wouldn't love me after all of this. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I truly always have and continue to still see you from an extremely warm perspective despite all that's happened between us; I know that's not going to be obvious to you and it's going to take some time to internalize. I want it to be completely clear that there's no message in between the lines here. Nothing I simply expect you to notice or consider as implied somehow. This is the honest and complete truth. I want to date you. I want to marry you. I want to spend my life with you. I want us to do great things and shake the world up together. I want us to be unstoppable. I want the best for both of us, and we can't have that if we're not together. And I want it all extremely badly.
25. ACCEPTANCE. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I'll truly never be able to accept not being with you. I already know I'll truly want to be with you really badly more than anything else for the rest of my life, and if I can't have that, then I'll never be truly happy. If I end up realizing that reality is really so brutal that I'll actually never be able to be truly happy, I'm never going to take it lightly, especially when it's something I've absolutely needed so badly in a life that's been so rough and cruel to me every step of the way up to this point. I don't need to wait months or years to know. Many guys know they'll have to jump through hoops to be with a girl that's really important to them. I've jumped through flaming rings of death without hesitation time and time again to be with you, forget hoops. Like I've said before, I also know very clearly that this couldn't have possibly been all fun and games for you either. I'll have extreme difficulty ever believing that you truly don't want to be with me forever after everything we've been through, and I'll have extreme difficulty ever understanding how you couldn't reciprocate that view towards me. Even if you start becoming really cold and distant to me and a lot of time passes, making it easier to believe, I'll never be able to understand and accept it. Never. Like I said, I already know that's the case. It should seriously be very clear that I'm not joking or playing any games when I say these things. If the truth is really so brutal, I truly don't want you to ever even try to explain it to me. It'll never change my view, and it'll never effect the resulting severe devastation I'd feel and from there the resulting extremely destructive mindset I'd have and course of action I'd choose to take. If you never want to be with me, I'll truly never forgive nor forget how you'd leave me feeling for the rest of my life. If you ever talk to me again, be prepared to ask me to date you. Be prepared for me to tell you to ask me to date you if you even try to convince me we shouldn't be together or wouldn't work, for any possible reasoning. Be prepared for me to agree to date you without hesitation after you ask. Be prepared to follow through with it without hesitation. Be prepared to feel my desire for you and respond warmly to it. Be prepared for me to be prepared and completely open and ready for it all. You can't say I didn't warn you.
26. COMPLICATED. Yeah, we're complicated. Yeah, people have trouble understanding us. But we don't have to be complicated with each other. We don't have to make it difficult to understand each other. When I say I know you love me, I'm not sitting here laughing about it. I'm not feeling powerful or in control. I'm trying to be sensitive and honestly express how I'm feeling about what I'm experiencing. I'm saying it so you aren't left questioning if I can really feel the love you're trying so hard to show me. I'm saying it so you aren't left questioning if I'll ever really know how much I really mean to you. I'm saying it so you aren't left wondering if I really know that you really care a lot. You loving me isn't some card I have up my sleeve, it's something extremely delicate and precious to me that I'll protect with everything I've got. All these essays I've given you are only the beginning of me trying to prove that to you and the rest of the world, and I'll never let anyone get in my way now. I really want you to understand completely clearly that I truly know you could be with someone else if you really wanted to. I could be with someone else if I really wanted to as well. But I don't, and you shouldn't either. I don't find hope in possibilities of things I can do that I know completely clearly I don't really want to do at all. I only find hope in possibilities of things that I really want that also seem really promising. What I really want is to be with you and only you, and I want it to last forever. It's the only relationship that would ever seem really promising to me. It's the only thing that's really giving me hope right now that I won't just want to give up on any kind of real happiness and enter an extremely destructive mentality and course of action. You're my hope, you're my dream, you're the light of my life, you're the meaning I find in life, you're everything to me... I don't know how many different ways I can put it. I hope it's completely clear now. I love you. I'll always love you. Always. Please love me back always too. Please?
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