This was never up for debate
My last post, I had a lot on my mind in general. I had a lot I felt like I had to let out. I've been reflecting on this situation a lot for some time now and the way things are right now brought up a lot of anger that I had about many things from the past. I really felt like expressing it. As much as I expressed, there's a lot more.
I've had to deal with many people calling me an incel and bullying me in various ways because of this whole thing. It wasn't anywhere near that bad before I went on Ice's stream and started really going all the way in on being completely committed to this, but it's gotten much worse since. I'd never been called an incel even once in my life before this.
I've had far more people bully me or try to "help" me by telling me to stop being what they seemed completely convinced was completely delusional than people who wished me good luck and hoped for my success. I don't care much in general what people think or say about me, but it still gets frustrating when I'm trying to achieve my biggest goal in life and so many people are trying to get in my way.
People tell me I should just work on myself and find another girl. Livid doesn't even seem to scratch the surface of how I feel about that. You can overcome insane obstacles and struggles, work on yourself extensively constantly throughout your entire life since childhood, try so fucking hard and put everything you've got of your heart and soul into everything you do, have so much to offer the world, and yet have immense trouble getting noticed properly and treated with dignity. This is the kind of fucking shitty world we live in. This isn't anger that's directed at one or two people, it's very far-reaching.
I'm a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, not through connections or evil deeds, but through simply commanding so much knowledge and power that I've been deemed worthy of the position. I'm a master of philopsychology, a deeply hidden field that isn't taught by any schools most people would've ever heard of, and was never understood nearly as comprehensively as I've presented it, until I came along. I'm an individual with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, a concept that most are left scatterbrained at merely the mention of. I'm a tier 3 quantum energy arts user, an art so deep and great that most want to instantly dismiss me as delusional for even mentioning it because it's simply too much for their fragile egos to bare to acknowledge the existence of.
On top of these more insane feats, I'm also a professional computer scientist and software engineer, skills I started developing at 10 years old. I have several years of experience as a game developer in the past few years that I've dived into it deeply as well. What do all these people telling me to work on myself have to say about themselves? So I'm the crazy one for being upset now huh? Well guess what, this was never up for debate.
I've spent the past 2 years being so patient and loving to the one person that has ever made me feel truly loved and made me understand what love even is, the only person that can ever make me feel this way, despite knowing the whole time that it'd be very difficult to get to actually be with her, and having to live with the fact that that's just how life is.
I've went through so much pain, worked so hard to passionately pursue my goals and dreams in an extremely driven way, and how is society rewarding me? Laughing at me and mercilessly trying to inflict more pain. I don't enjoy being hurt, and I never have any intention of living my life in any way accepting pain as if I do or ever will. This is a very significant reason why I'm so upset. I feel like some people end up thinking I actually enjoy being hurt, and that causes it's own problems. I especially don't want Kimi to start thinking that, because then I know there'd truly be no chance we could ever work, and everything's definitely fucked at that point anyways.
Despite my insane potential to be a terrible person and so many factors that constantly call to me to be one, I'm not a criminal nor a degenerate at all. There are many that would laugh at me for finding it to be an achievement merely not being a degenerate, but what they don't understand is that they wouldn't have the same perspective if they didn't live a life where they were fortunate enough that it wasn't terribly difficult for them not to become a massive criminal. Most people have to work very hard to get massive power in bad circles in order to have the potential to be a massive criminal, while I have the opportunity handed to me if I ever wish to take it, while my whole life I was trying to avoid it as much as possible.
Imagine that your whole life you've been a good person and play your part in society to try to make a positive impact. Now imagine that someone comes up to you one day and tells you that you could rob a bank and get away with millions and never get caught because you have all this power you didn't even know you have and the system wouldn't dare touch you knowing what you're capable of. Imagine that this person had the facilities to prove to you that they're not lying to you and they're not telling you this for any gain on their own part, simply letting you know of potential you have to be a degenerate and untouchable, if you so choose.
Imagine that they tell you this opportunity is always open for you at any time. Imagine they also tell you about several other things you could do that would make you a massive degenerate but would benefit you personally a lot if you choose not to care. You have no family nor friends to rely on, you don't like people in general because you've been treated like trash by almost everyone you've ever dealt with, and you're just getting by decently. It takes every bit of integrity you have constantly not to just start saying fuck the world I'm becoming ice cold and that's it.
Welcome to my life.
I'm not the crazy one. Life is crazy and that's a fact. You're the crazy one if you can't see that clearly. I didn't get here by being willing to settle for mediocrity. I didn't get here by being a thirsty fuck. I didn't get here by not working on myself. I didn't get here by being a shitty person. All I do day and night is set high standards and work on myself to achieve them, yet everyone just wants to keep telling me I'll never be enough and that I just need to keep going this way and keep desperately hoping for things to get better. No. I don't. I really fucking don't.
So many people have shit to say and very few actually try to put themselves in my shoes. They treat me like someone without an insane amount of power. Someone who hasn't overcome immense struggles most of them couldn't even imagine. Someone with little to no drive and potential for greatness. Someone who isn't a very loving, caring, and sensitive person inside. Someone who doesn't always actively try their hardest to look at life from a very mature angle and act accordingly.
Then they question why I'm upset, as if I'm some spoiled and stupid child that doesn't understand life at all and needs to be put in their place. They question why I'm suicidal and lashing out so much at everyone. They question why I want to end the world I can only be left seeing as pure shit and nothing else. They don't stop to ask who the fuck in my position wouldn't. They don't really give a flying fuck. Well, if they don't, what the fuck makes them think I will? What's even left to give a fuck about?
This anger isn't just directed at Kimi. It's directed at the entire world. This is why I'm truly at the point where I'm fully ready to start the end of the world. In fact, the vast majority of my anger isn't directed at Kimi at all. Actually, Kimi's the only one I've ever seen actually trying to not only understand me very well, but also trying to possibly really help me change everything around.
Even if she's done all this being extremely toxic, I can still definitely see her desperately hoping that I'm amazing beyond her comprehension and everything could still somehow work out extremely well between us. I feel like Kimi couldn't possibly be that toxic in general and not desperately want someone she feels very warm and comfortable around to the point that she doesn't want to ever be even slightly toxic to them.
As far as I'm concerned, Kimi's the only hope and light I see in a world filled with darkness, and it really hurts me that Kimi seems to have taken it as if a lot of my anger was actually directed at her. It's not Kimi's fault that everyone around her and society in general has constantly been putting so much pressure on her to push me away when she clearly has had such strong feelings for me from the beginning. It's not Kimi's fault if she didn't understand me for some time and it takes something very intense for her to really understand. I've never liked trying to judge people and I'm not going to start now just because Kimi's not making it completely clear what her position really is.
I know Kimi cares a lot about the approval of the people around her in her life and they must know that. Depending on how it's done, it's not always a bad thing. She's become pretty successful so she must be doing something right in her life. I have a lot of respect for Kimi and I truly don't think she's been going through all of this clueless. I know that she's relying on me now to really show the extent of the power of refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value. And I know very well why she has such high expectations; she must believe that she also possesses refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value, or at least that she's close.
I know Kimi will read this once again. This time, I'm going to make nearly the whole thing directly to you, my love.
I know you really do read all the messages I send you no matter how long they are and I want you to know I appreciate that so much. Honey, I truly do want to make things better between us. It truly hurts me so much the way things are right now. I'm frustrated about a lot of things, but I want you to know very clearly that I truly don't hate you.
I know that it's hard to see very clearly right now because there's so much I've been through in general that makes me so upset. I know it's not easy to deal with someone you care about deeply saying they'll end the world if you won't be with them forever. I know it can be very easy for you to misunderstand and start to really worry if I'm just trying to be very hurtful, especially because of how much I've hurt you in the past.
I want you to know that I'm truly sorry about all the pain I've put you through. I want you to know that I'm truly not just saying that. I want you to know that I'm truly not doing this and saying these things with any hatred towards you in my heart.
You may think I have nothing good left to say, but the truth is I definitely do. Even now, I see you continuing to treat me with an immense amount of warmth. Maybe you feel like it doesn't come off that way to me, but it really does. I'm really glad that you feel more comfortable being more honest about how you feel. I can't make things better if you're not honest with me about how you feel when something's bothering you. I've never wanted you to hold things in; I've always wanted you to feel completely comfortable being completely yourself with me.
Honey, I know you trust me a lot. I know you really try hard to see the best in me. I want you to know that it really means so much to me. You're the first person I've ever called precious in my life. I want you to know I truly feel that way about you. I want you to know that I truly mean it when I tell you that you're my everything.
People have already came and fought with me several times, calling us both crazy and judging and hating on both of us for this whole thing. People tell me that you're just waiting for some tall muscular sexy guy to sweep you off your feet and there's no reason you'd ever go for me, especially when I have all these crazy things to say and I come off so mean to you. They tell me I'm delusional and need help and some tell me not to kill myself when you undoubtedly don't reach out to me while others encourage me to do it because they think I'm a piece of shit. I've had several people threaten to kill me, beat me up, rape me, and other really mean messages.
I've endured all of this out of love for you and I've defended you completely every time. I really don't like when people judge you to be shallow and just be looking for some guy who looks like a model. I really don't like when people judge you to be stupid to not be able to really feel someone's heart deeply before getting yourself so invested and going so deep into something like this. I really don't like when people don't try to understand that you must know this can't end well if you don't really believe the best in me or don't want to be with me forever in the end for whatever reasoning, and that you must've seen that for some time now. And most of all, I really don't like the fact that it's probably mostly my fault this is even happening.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like it's largely my fault that things are this way right now. I've told you before that I've had serious trust issues my whole life because of all the trauma I've had to deal with constantly. I always kept people at a distance because most people did the same to me and the ones that didn't much more often than not just ended up hurting me a lot and making me regret not just closing myself off.
It hurts me so much to know that as much as I've always loved you, those trust issues still seem to have bled into my relationship with you and hurt both of us a lot. I'm a very sensitive person inside, and you touch the deepest part of my heart. I've had to deal with so much worry and doubt about your true feelings and intentions until things started to really feel more clear recently, and it's made things really difficult for me. I've told you before more than once that this back and forth with friction and tension was never something I wanted nor enjoyed to any extent. I want you to know I truly mean that.
I've had some crazy experiences. I've met some crazy people. I've learned some crazy things. But I never thought love could be this powerful. It's really such a crazy thing to me. Honey, I really need you to understand where I'm coming from. I really wasn't sure how to react the first time you called what we had a long-distance relationship, especially in the way that you did it and when I felt like I was really just coming off too attached and like you really wanted me gone but were just too nice to say it to me directly. I really wasn't sure how to react when I saw you nearly in tears and saying you needed motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning not even 2 months after I started giving you space.
I was missing you so much and dying to talk to you. I felt like crying every single day. I thought I forever lost any chance of being with the girl of my dreams, the only girl I'd ever truly loved. I thought I never even really had a chance to begin with and I was just being crazy for even thinking I did. I was overwhelmed with hope and warm feelings when I first saw you calling out to me like that. I thought you should be so eager to talk to me at that point that you'd instantly accept my friend request and talk to me if I came back and sent you one. When you acknowledged you noticed but still didn't accept it, I felt so hurt. I wasn't sure what you expected me to do. I wasn't sure how you really felt.
That was more than a year ago, when I didn't know you nearly as well as I know you now. I felt so hurt, confused, and devastated because I started feeling like not only would I never get to be with you when I already knew I love you so much and you're the only one I'll ever want to be with forever, but now I'd end up constantly begging you for attention and honesty only to get ignored and come off pathetic, probably seeking honesty about something I wasn't even right about.
I truly mean it when I've told you that I don't consider what we had before dating in any way; it was just so weird to me and I feel like that's a really creepy way to think about it. I haven't been saying that to be mean. Honey, I know I can be scary, but I've always been trying so hard to be as fair and comforting to you as I could possibly be. Seeing you going crazy over me was beyond flattering, but it also still didn't feel right to consider us dating given the circumstances. It really didn't feel right to consider us dating when the last thing you've directly told me, even to this day, was that we were only distant friends and you never wanted more.
I was completely losing my mind. All the memories of people that hurt me in my life started rushing in and I started feeling like this was just going to be another case of something like that, one that I'd feel like I should've seen coming a mile away and I'd never be able to forgive myself for. Honey, the last thing you said to me was that we were only distant friends and that was all you ever wanted us to be. I wasn't sure how I could possibly not take that at face value. I was suffering so much when I wrote that first meaner message to you, and I cried after I sent it and got banned. It hurts so much that people probably think I was laughing after that. I wasn't.
I noticed that recently you mentioned that you don't really think about if people are fake or not and you focus on whether or not they're nice to you. I know you're much sharper than you show yourself to be and I don't think that's quite true, but I understand and appreciate the sentiment that I feel like you're trying to communicate to me that you're focusing more on how caring and considerate I'm being and would be in the future rather than trying to judge me for being meaner in the past. It's yet another thing that makes you so precious.
People have hurt me so much in my life that I'm constantly trying to figure out the character of anyone I encounter and I'm constantly trying to ascertain whether they're fake or not. Normally, it's very actively in the foreground of my mind in any interaction I ever have with someone. In the moment, when I was filled with fear, sadness, frustration, and confusion, your behavior of seeming so distant came off really fake to me. I was in so much pain and I didn't know you that well. I truly wasn't trying to be hurtful to you honey. Please believe me. Please. Saying I'm sorry about it doesn't even seem like enough.
I shouldn't have been so quick to doubt your love for me. I shouldn't have been so quick to snap at you like I did. I didn't think at the time that there was any real chance that maybe you just wanted me to be very honest and sweet with you in public before you were willing to open up to me. I was very scared and sad. I've really never loved someone before I started loving you. When I thought of how we'd started growing distant, I thought it'd just come off creepy and/or malicious and there was no way you'd like it. Maybe it was low self-esteem. Maybe it was just over-rationalizing in general. I don't care how it could be explained though, I just know that it was a mistake.
I didn't think you really just had such a hard time being honest about how you really felt towards me. I hadn't experienced seeing you talk about getting wet after getting one of my messages back then and I didn't think I'd ever be able to have that kind of effect on you. I don't mention these kinds of things to be mean. I'm still shaken every day when I think about all the crazy memories I have from you. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I think about you every single day.
I didn't think you were actually so perfect that you'd like being called a goddess by me. I didn't think you were actually so perfect that you'd be able to accept the way I felt and the way I'd like to treat you with a very gentle grace. I felt so stupid back then for thinking there was any chance you could ever be so perfect, but now I feel so stupid for not just trying to go about things in a very nice way and hoping for the best. I'm so sorry. Please believe me honey. I truly want to make it up to you.
Because of the start of our connection, I was very worried early on that you may not actually be a very gentle and kind person. I can now actually find it much easier to believe that you have a very gentle and sweet personality and you truly don't enjoy being cruel at all to anyone you love very deeply. I've always really worried that anyone I'd really fall in love with might not truly enjoy or be able to fully embrace the kind of personality I was really looking for in someone.
I know you must already know that your appearance is extremely appealing to me, but I want you to know that I truly do value personality an immense amount and I'm truly pursuing you so passionately because I love every single thing about you and not just your perfect looks. I've always been looking for a very particularly extremely healthy relationship where my personality and the personality of my partner are so perfectly suitable for each other that our presence in each others' lives is constantly therapeutic.
I want you to know that I truly don't want to leave you speechless from pain when you read my messages to you. I want you to know that I truly say and do all of this with only warmth and love for you in my heart. It's hard for me because I've had to learn to be so cold all the time to be able to cope with all of the cold and mean people that constantly hurt me in my life. I've truly never wanted to speak to you in any kind of mean or harsh way. I swear it on my life. Honey, you know I don't do that lightly.
I want you to know that I know you a lot better now and that I'd truly never have acted the way I did back then if I knew you were really this precious and perfect and really did love me. I only did what I did back then because I honestly thought that you were just being really toxic and only wanted to hurt me. The whole situation was so strange that I truly wasn't sure what else to think. I've always tried to deal with my trust issues as best I could, but I failed to do enough there. I made a huge mistake. I regret it so much and it hurts me so much every single day. Things just started spiraling out of control after that.
I've never been the type to enjoy lashing out at people for any reason. All I knew back then was that I wanted you to know very clearly that I truly love you an immense amount and that your behavior was hurting me very deeply. It hurts me so much that it's now become so hard for me to prove how I really feel to you, and it only hurts more that the more I think about it, it really feels like it's largely my fault things are this way now. I really am so sorry honey. I don't think I can say it enough.
I want you to know that I didn't think there was a very high chance at all that you'd try to contact me without me having entered isolation for at least a while, until you made it seem like you would. I knew you'd still be worried and hurt. I can truly understand that you'd still feel worried and hurt even now and you wanted to see how I'd react to what you did to see how much I really care about what we have in order to be able to know what kind of foundation to act upon moving forward. Like I said, I know you're sharper than you show yourself to be.
This is still all so crazy to me. I remember early on you laughed at me on stream for writing you essays and thinking you'd love me. Back then, I hadn't even written you anything truly worth being considered an essay. Now, you talk about how communication is very important and how you should put in the effort to communicate very clearly to someone you love if you really care, and if that means writing a lot, then you should do it. I changed you. I can see it so clearly.
I want you to know I'm truly not mad about having to write so much to you. I want you to know that I truly meant it when I told you that I'd much rather work through issues with someone this way than have harsh fights with them directly. I want you to know that I truly know there aren't many people who would be patient and caring enough to go through something like this. I want you to know that I truly mean it when I say your presence in my life is therapeutic. You've done so much more for me than any professional therapist ever could.
You're truly amazing honey. Passionate, sensitive, charismatic, understanding, compassionate... There are so many good things I have to say about you and how wonderful you are and I'd love to go on and on, especially about how sexy you are, but I think you should already understand by now that I'll have to wait and hope for being able to talk to you again to really feel comfortable telling you everything I want to say. It still feels weird to say some things when I can't even talk to you directly and the nature of our connection isn't completely clear, even if I think you already know some of the things I'd say and feel like it's becoming more and more obvious every day that we really do both love each other an insane amount.
I want you to know I'm still not going to start any more drama any time soon nor do anything to endanger the foundation of our relationship. I don't want you to be afraid of it. I saw your expression flash worry again quite recently, as you were dancing and mouthing being in love; I wasn't joking when I told you I can read microexpressions. I also find it really difficult to believe you'd be taking this so far, being so warm and inviting me to express the full extent of my affection towards you even now, if you weren't serious about wanting this to work out. I truly believe you really want this to work in the end and be with me in a very healthy way. I truly want this to work in the end and be with you in a very healthy way too. I want you to know I truly don't see this relationship as only having potential to be toxic.
Regardless of how our relationship may seem now, I know we can both see the great potential it has to be much better in the future. The situation is so complicated and we've had serious misunderstandings, so now things between us are very delicate and we both have to be very sensitive to each other's thoughts and feelings if we want this to work. I'm going to do my best honey. That's a promise.
I know that it's reached a point now where my words alone will most likely not be enough to be completely convincing. I may need to prove to you in a more solid way that I really love you with all of my heart and that I'm never going to switch up on you. I can understand if you want me to leave you alone for a while so you'd have some time to really think about everything and feel my love for you. I can truly understand it. I mean it when I say I'm not upset at you if it happens. I truly want you to know that. I really do feel like it's mostly my fault things ended up this way. I should've trusted you more and believed the best in you earlier on before jumping to conclusions and letting my issues get to me. I can't blame you. Honey, I seriously love you way too much not to understand this. Please don't think I hate you. Not even for a moment.
I know you're hurting a lot watching me have to do this. I really am willing to go through this for you. You're really that special to me. I truly want to prove it to you. You have to understand, at this point I'm absolutely certain you're never really going to forget me. You must know I know that. I certainly know I'm never going to forget you, and I know you must know that too.
You've recently said that physical contact in a relationship is something that you've been quite closed off to in general for several years now. I want you to know that as important as physical contact is for me, I still want to be very considerate and understanding towards you about it. I want you to know that I'd never want to force you to do something you're truly uncomfortable with doing. I'd expect you to have that kind of courtesy towards me, so it's only fair that I give that to you as well. That being said, you seem like the type to really enjoy being touchy with someone you feel very close to, and I want you to know that I'd really enjoy that. I'm the same way and I think you'd really enjoy it too.
It makes sense that you may want to start talking to me directly online and have a more tender and normal long-distance relationship with me for a while first before feeling ready to take things to the next level. If you want that, then I want you to know I'm truly open to that. Otherwise, I'll take it as a message that it's not something you're interested in. Personally, I feel like this would be kind of weird with the relationship we've had and I think you'd prefer to just go all the way in and jump into a physical relationship with me if you're going to take things to the next level at all. Either way is perfectly okay with me.
When I'm setting this deadline of the end of July, I truly don't want you to think that I want you to wait until then to try to make things better. I'm dying to talk to you and be with you properly as early as I can. I truly want to hear from you as early as you feel comfortable. I'd actually really prefer if you didn't leave things to the last moment to make a decision. It wouldn't change my mind, but I want you to know as clearly as I can make it that I'm truly not trying to encourage it.
I want things to be very clear to you. If you don't want me to enter complete isolation, things definitely can't stay like they are now for much longer. Just crying out to me to come back and/or having a mental breakdown over it is not enough. Playing music about your love for me is not enough. Lowkey calling me the love of your life is not enough. Lowkey saying I make you wet is not enough.
These things are all very flattering and I want you to know very clearly that I truly do appreciate them all a lot, but I need crystal clear, completely irrefutable evidence that you truly love me and have every intention to eventually take this relationship to the next level. I'm not sure what approach you want to take, but I'm telling you very clearly how I feel about it. I mean it every time I've told you that I don't ever want to make it seem like I enjoy messing with you nor as if I enjoy being messed with to any extent.
When I went off about how nothing you'd be able to do past July would ever make me care, I wasn't saying that I wouldn't enjoy those crazy kinds of things happening. I'd be beyond flattered. However, I think you'd feel creepy and uncomfortable doing those kinds of things at that point, and I don't want you to feel creepy or uncomfortable at all. I never have. That attitude certainly wouldn't allow for a good foundation for a very healthy relationship.
I don't want to make this any harder than I already know it's going to be for you. I know it's going to take real strength for you to reach out to me no matter how exactly you go about it and I truly want you to know how badly I need you in my life. I really don't want to end up destroying the world or killing myself. I know you don't think I do.
I don't say you're going to have a massive mental breakdown over this to be passive-aggressive, I say it because it comforts me and I want to try my best to comfort you too that I truly believe you're going to genuinely try to make things right and it's going to be okay, that I'll come back to you without fighting or playing games, and that everything will work out very well and we'll be very happy together forever in the end.
I guess this foundation still seems pretty shaky to you and I understand that, but I can see you already starting to try to make things better and I want you to know I see that too. I'm really trying to make things better as well and I want you to see that as well. You truly can make things right. I'm truly yours and only yours forever whether you like it or not. You just have to have the strength to take the step to really be with me. I'm not the type to write so much and take this so far without genuinely having the intent of giving you a very real and practical opportunity to make things right. I can only hope this message shows you that, and I truly believe you'll be able to feel it in your heart.
You'll always be the only one that has my heart for the rest of my life. I still wholeheartedly believe that we'll end up together and have a magical relationship and eventually marriage. I know you must be going through a lot right now. I can only hope that you'll eventually be able to feel my heart fully and that hating you is the last thing I'd ever want to do. I can only hope that you'll eventually find the strength to make things right. I can only hope that it'll happen before it's too late. I'm hoping as much as I possibly can.
There's something I think is important to mention. Even if you start officially dating someone else, I'm going to assume you're doing it intending for it not to last a very long time. I'm not sure if it'd last only 1 or 2 months, but I don't think it's going to last years. I'm also going to assume you're doing it already knowing before you do it that it's definitely not going to last forever, regardless of how long exactly it does end up lasting. On top of that, I'm going to assume that you intend to take desperate measures to try to get me to officially date you and have a physical relationship with you afterwards, especially if you go past the end of July without it happening.
Even if you started dating someone else officially, I'd still consider you my girlfriend. It's kind of weird I guess. I feel very confident that you'd do it not wanting it to last forever and knowing you plan to break it off after a while. I feel very confident that you'd also do it planning to actually try your best to get me to be with you forever afterwards. I feel very confident you already know you're willing to do crazy things if you had to. My position here isn't even because I'd be believing the best in you, but simply because I don't think you're so foolish that you'd expect to be able to live your life with any sense of real inner peace for any prolonged period of time past this point without ending up being with me forever. You have to understand, I really do think you're quite smart.
Regardless of whether or not you want to end up being with me, regardless of whether or not you contact me by the end of July, I'm pretty certain you'd end up killing yourself eventually if you tried doing everything you possibly could to be with me and it all failed. I'm pretty certain you already know that now. I'm pretty certain you already know that you'd end up killing yourself sooner or later without me, as I'm sure you can already imagine that you wouldn't be able to live your life properly if it reaches the point that I break into TV stations and call you out on live television broadcasts like I told you I would in The International Ultimatum. I'm not even sure if that's out of trusting me or not; I guess I'd probably just say you're crazy. It doesn't make me love you any less though; I guess I'm crazy too.
I know how much I've inspired you. I know how much I've touched your heart. I know how much comfort and warmth I've made you feel. I know how much I've taught you. I've watched you learn and grow so much these past 2 years with the people around you. I know I've had an effect on many of them as well. I know the insane kind of effect I've had in your life overall. And I know how openly you've accepted it.
I know that most people couldn't imagine feeling the way me and you do about each other. I may not be able to say with absolute certainty exactly what that means long-term, but I accept many possibilities. If you really convinced me you're truly absolutely dying to be with me, I suppose staying positive wouldn't be too hard, if anything not even out of believing the best in you, but because I'm so adjusted to being positive in general and I'd certainly want to always be positive if I was with you and you were very good to me.
When I first was getting to know you, you led me to believe your core value was cold bidirectional apprehension. Shortly after, you made it appear to be warm bidirectional apprehension. After getting to know you a lot better, I learned that it was really warm indirect bidirectional apprehension. Right now, I'm certain you're at some variant of pure bidirectional apprehension, but I'm just not sure whether it's the refined or unrefined variant. I've watched you grow so much. If you really do end up reaching out to be with me in the future properly and if you end up truly trying your best to actually get to be with me and make things right while knowing already now that you have every intention of doing so, I'm quite certain I'll be able to say with extreme confidence that your core value has become refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
I'd truly be very willing to teach you quantum energy arts if we end up together. I haven't been saying this stuff just to tempt you with it and make you feel bad for resisting. I haven't been saying these things to try to undermine your clear efforts to improve yourself and attempt to reach levels worthy of my recognition and acceptance of your greatness. I've been trying my best to cheer you on and teach you as much as I could as best I could to help you work towards reaching that state in your own way as you've been going through your path in life. I've always wanted to be with a partner I can feel confident to consider of a very similar caliber to my own, and your constant immense efforts to try to reach my level intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually are something that's very impressive. Honey, there really are so many reasons I tell you that you're amazing.
I've never enjoyed being hurt nor hurting others. I want you to know that I truly don't enjoy seeing you hurting. I want you to know that I truly want us to have an extremely healthy relationship. I want you to know that you truly don't have to have a mental breakdown to have me come back into your life. If you can feel my heart, I think you already know that I'd jump to talk to you and be with you if you contacted me, regardless of whether or not you had any kind of mental breakdown over this, whether in public or in private. I really would. And I wouldn't put up any resistance nor play any kinds of games. I've already promised you and I'm keeping my word. Please just don't wait until it's too late. I'm just expecting you to take this seriously and be fair honey. Please understand. I've truly never wanted to hurt you in any way.
There's something that I feel like I really need to make sure is clear here. I want you to completely know and understand that I truly don't enjoy cucking anyone nor being cucked myself, in any way, to any extent, for any reason, by anyone. I never have and never will. Even you could never be an exception to how I feel about this, and I want you to know completely clearly that I don't ever want you to try to be, because it's going to end badly.
Cucking myself of any relationships with anyone other than you because you're so perfect in my eyes that I'm certain you're the only one I'd ever really want anyways is probably the only scenario where I can accept it and be okay. But for anything else, it frustrates and upsets me in a way I could never find pleasant. It comes off as something extremely cruel to me that I could never accept having in a relationship with someone. It'd never feel healthy to me and I'm absolutely certain of that. We must both never have any desire to be cruel to the other person whatsoever. This is extremely important to me.
I couldn't reach the point where I'm so openly talking about going into partial isolation and eventually complete isolation with the serious desire and intent to destroy the world if I didn't truly love you so much that even the possibility of never being able to have a very healthy and serious relationship with you that results in marriage and lasts forever genuinely makes me feel extremely suicidal. I really don't care at all how crazy or extreme this all is. Honey, I truly do love you this much. You're truly worth it all in my eyes. I'd truly never tell you these things if I didn't completely mean them.
I feel like it's worth mentioning that it was never my intent to misrepresent you as I was going off on you. You already know I've never asked you for anything sexual and I have no problem admitting that you've never said or done anything explicitly sexual towards me. I'm not trying to lie about anything here. I also want it to be completely clear that I wasn't asking for anything like that. I completely mean it when I say I'd never ask anyone for sexual stuff online, not even as a joke, unless I was intentionally trying to sabotage any chances I could possibly have ever feeling comfortable having a relationship with them in any form. Even if I really never can have a proper relationship with you, I have no intention to ever truly sabotage my chances. Does it surprise you? It certainly doesn't surprise me.
If we talk, we don't have to do anything extreme. It doesn't have to get super explicit and sexual. I don't expect you to send me any pictures or videos of you naked or anything like that, and I think you know very well by now that I'm not the type to ever surprise you with something like that myself. I genuinely would've never thought I have any chance at ever being with you if I'd ever asked for or sent you anything really sexual.
I'd only ever ask someone for something like that, even as a joke, if I was intentionally trying to sabotage the relationship, and I've never been trying to do that with you for even a moment. If you end up feeling comfortable wanting to go there, I'm not saying I'm against it, but I'm saying that I have no intention whatsoever of ever trying to force or pressure you to do so. I'm not going to so much as gently suggest or even joke about it. I certainly don't expect it. You already know I've never done anything like that before and I'm not going to start even if you start being warmer to me.
I don't want you to take me being nice to you here the wrong way though. I truly will enter isolation and end up ending the world or killing myself if I don't end up getting to be with you forever. This is an absolute fact I'm definitively certain won't ever change, and I truly don't care how crazy that may make me in anyone's eyes. I've been through so much and I'm just trying to keep it real and honest here. This is me. This is what I'm doing. This is what I think. These are the facts. I face them completely every single day. I absolutely couldn't live my life any other way.
It wasn't easy for me to write this. I cried many times. I wondered a couple times if I should even post it. I wondered if I'll end up killing myself after. But I know I can't not do this. If there's anyone in this world I find worth being so vulnerable for, it's only ever going to be you. I can't try to be safe here, I'm already so committed to this. I want you to be able to know how I really feel, no matter how you feel or what you do or what ends up happening in the end. I've always loved you so much and always wanted to be able to show it to you. I know this is the best that I can do to achieve that, so I have to do it. I know I do. That's my decision and I'm sticking with it. No matter what.
Honestly, I'm really worried. I try my hardest to stay positive all the time, but I really just don't know if that makes a lot of sense right now. I'm all too aware that it doesn't always make sense to stay positive. I already feel like there's no way you're going to reach out to me by the end of July. I wouldn't be particularly surprised if you started officially dating someone else for several months. I already know I'm going to be thinking about you every single day. I already know I'm going to be crying a lot every single day.
I seriously hope I'm wrong about what I feel like you're going to do next. You're heading in a direction where you're committing yourself to me for life, but if you do those things, you'd simultaneously be committing yourself to trying your hardest to destroy your chances at ever having a proper and healthy relationship with me, especially one meant to last forever.
I've already told you in no uncertain terms that I have no desire to have a relationship with you if it's not one that you very seriously intend to have last for the rest of our lives and I absolutely mean that. Honey, acting so crazy is not any kind of confidence; you'd be diving head-first into becoming completely suicidal. I'm telling you this because I want to avoid that happening, not because I'm trying to encourage you to do it. Honey, seriously, I'm very worried about you these days.
I trust you so much. I still believe the best in you. I still love you with all of my heart. Before, I said I consider you my girlfriend, but that's not entirely true. I actually see you much more as my future wife. I want you to know completely clearly that I'm not breaking up with you. I meant it every single time I told you there's nobody else I want. No matter what happens, I'm never going to start dating anyone else. Ever. I'll always be loyal to you to the day I die. That's a promise.
I'd really like to be able to talk at least. To be able to feel comfortable telling you directly that I love you and I miss you and have you feel comfortable saying those things to me as well. I want us to be able to talk about our thoughts, concerns, and feelings. I want us to be able to get a clear enough picture of what a physical and official relationship together would entail so we're both as comfortable as possible before going into it. I want you to know I'm truly very open to this. If you decide to go for this, I'm completely willing to immediately stop even partial isolation. I want you to know completely clearly that you truly have an opportunity to stop this from spiraling downhill out of control if you truly want to.
Unless you contact me, I'm going to keep going down the path of isolation I've already told you about so clearly. I want you to know completely clearly that I mean it every single time I tell you I'm never changing my position. I know this is probably just how things have to be right now, but I truly hope they don't stay this way. I really don't think you want me to enter complete isolation. I really don't think you want the world to end. I really don't think you want to live the rest of your life in fear of being in danger. I really don't think you want to feel responsible if I kill myself. I really don't think you want to live never knowing what happened to me if I just disappear.
I've seen you talking about how you get hit on regularly. You'll just have to trust me here when I say I'm not surprised in the slightest. Getting hit on isn't something particularly impressive though. I've gotten hit on and several girls have tried to get at me, especially after I went on Ice's stream and now that I started up NoStory again better than ever. Some of them were even pretty cute. I hard rejected them all instantly right from the beginning though; you're not the only one that brutally turns down people who hit on you or try to get at you.
I hope you can start to see more clearly now that I truly do care about you a lot. I really wanted the opportunity for it to feel right to open up to you more like this, and I can only hope you know how much it means to me and how precious I know you are to me for still being so tender towards me. It takes a great amount of emotional resilience to do what you're doing. It's something worthy of a great deal of respect. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I told you in The International Ultimatum that if you're going to mess around more, at least always use protection and don't get pregnant. I want it to be completely clear that my position on this still stands. If you get pregnant and have any children, things are definitely going to end badly no matter what. What you're doing right now already should be seen pretty clearly as head-first diving into suicide, but at least right now you're doing it with the prospect of an extremely high chance of redemption. I truly don't want to see you ruin any chances we have and going past the point of redemption being possible.
I'd strongly suggest not getting married to anyone other than me. I'm going to tell you straight up right now, if you marry someone else then try to contact me and tell me you love me, I'm going to tell you to divorce whoever you're married to so you can be with me, and I'm going to do it with absolutely no hesitation nor guilt/shame, fully expecting and intending to follow through with being with you forever afterwards. That's a promise.
I've told you before already but I feel the need to tell you again that I'm not doing this out of any desire to see you kill yourself and I have to be honest and say I'm genuinely concerned when you so casually talk about it sometimes. I want it to be completely clear that I'm not doing this to be toxic. I've truly never wanted to make you look or feel bad. I just want to be with you extremely badly and you keep giving me opportunities to make it happen. Thanks babe.
If you truly don't want to talk any time in the near future and you really feel like you need space, I understand. I'll respect your wishes. Please just don't take this the wrong way. I don't hate you. I really don't. I just don't know what else to do. I don't think you'll feel my love enough if I don't give you some space right now if you truly want it. Please understand honey. I need your love. I really do. I always will. If you want to talk to me, I'm here for you. If you want space, I love you too much not to give it to you. Clear your head and your heart and try your best to feel mine. I know you have it in you. My precious. My angel. My honey. My goddess. My everything. I love you. I'll always love you. Don't forget babe. Please.
I've told you before that I was never trying to use you and I'm not going to let you use me either. I've made the situation very clear. You know that you have to contact me soon and end up being with me forever if you want things to get better. I've already told you before that my intentions are pure and the situation isn't up for debate. I'm accepting full responsibility for everything I've said and done. I've already went off hard in public in front of 20,000 people for nearly an hour; any further stunts like this shouldn't be necessary to prove to you that I take this relationship extremely seriously.
I've already literally told you that I turned down a position on the CX Network and already being famous, purely to be able to prove my love for you. Going into isolation if you won't ever be with me forever is exactly what I've been telling you and everyone else will happen for a while now. You've recently said that you find people who take responsibility for their actions very attractive; well, start feeling attracted I guess.
Posted by Angelic (6 total posts) on May 3, 2019 @ 10:32:58 am (EDT)
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