It's time to show what refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value really means
I've started other posts talking about NoStory and the website and whatnot, but this time this post is completely dedicated to Kimi. I've followed through on this part of what I promised her, and now it's approaching the time to follow through on the next part.
I'm really glad to have a community that's growing every single day and finally be able to start seeing myself consistently making money off something that took many years of immense effort coding day and night in order to be capable of making. I have dreams and goals to make something much greater than NoStory really come to life, but that project will have to come second to being with the love of my life and knowing I'll be able to actually be happy achieving further success. Without her, even an insane amount of fame, fortune, girls dying to be with me, whatever you could imagine as great success, would mean absolutely nothing to me. I've already told her this in no uncertain terms, back when I wrote The International Ultimatum.
Starting at the end of this month, I'll be drastically reducing my time on the computer to about 1-2 hours a day, perhaps 3 max on some days if it feels right, and spend the rest of my waking time in intense meditation using quantum energy harvesting techniques. During the time I'll be on the computer, most of that time will be spent watching Kimi's stream if she's live or any of the latest VODs if I missed a stream. Other than that, I'll spend a little time perhaps responding to forum posts and maybe talking a little in Discord. I'll also be sure to give donor rewards to any people who donate for the first time, to ensure they get them within 24 hours.
I won't fully isolate myself from society initially, because I still choose to believe the best in Kimi and remain optimistic that she'll reach out to me to date me officially within 3 months at most. If she doesn't contact me by then, I'm going to put into place my meticulously planned out course of action to isolate myself from society and I'm just going to keep going that way meditating extensively with special techniques each day for a few years until my abilities are extremely developed and then start tearing the world apart without any mercy nor remorse.
I'd drop by some fast food joint with WiFi and electricity with my laptop I'd keep with me upon moving into isolation (because I have no reason to just throw it away, even if I won't have running electricity there) and drop a message in Kimi's Discord once a year telling her I haven't forgotten her and still love her, just like I promised her I would. But if it really gets to that, I'm not going to have any real hope we'll ever work out and I'd just be doing it out of sadness and anger and I know that. It'd just be a shit show at that point and I'd know it very clearly. I've fully accepted that I'll never be happy without Kimi, and now I absolutely need to know how she's going to react when it starts to really sink in how much she really means to me.
Several people have asked me how I'm going to afford to stay in isolation. Some have asked how I'll retain my sanity without human contact. Neither of these things is an issue for me at all, and since I have no reason to keep most of the details of my plan a secret since it's not like I'm doing anything illegal, I might as well share.
First, the easier thing to address: my sanity. Well, that's pretty simple. I don't really have any sanity left to worry about if I can't be with Kimi because at that point I'm just done with everything and it's either killing myself or isolating myself from everyone.
I already know that working a regular job, even if it's something I'm very skilled at and get paid decently well for, makes me extremely stressed out and I literally feel like killing myself every single day living a mediocre life feeling like I'm just being a sheep in the herd when I know painfully clearly that I'm not, so that's definitely not a viable option for me.
I've always tended not to trust people because of all the severely traumatic experiences I've had throughout my life with people being hateful, abusive, jealous, backstabbing me when I didn't deserve it at all, etc, and it's gotten to the point where without at least one person that actually makes me feel really warm and comfortable, the only person of which is capable of doing so being Kimi, I'd feel much less paranoid, stressed out, angry, and sad simply being alone all the time. I'd actually feel much more sane and happy in isolation than anywhere near a society that I'd feel so alienated from. I absolutely cannot handle the position of silent desperation and pretending to be okay; it also makes me feel extremely stressed out and literally makes me feel like killing myself every single day, so that's just not something I can do.
I know this so clearly because I already feel this way in my current living circumstances where I'm not completely distanced from having anyone around me. I already feel exactly how I just described. Extremely stressed out and literally suicidal every single day. Literally the only reason I'm enduring this right now and have any willpower to continue to endure it for possibly up to the next 3 months is because of how much love I have for Kimi. If it wasn't for my strong hope that Kimi will contact me soon and start officially dating me, I'd already be in isolation meditating intensely every single day, preparing to end the world within the next few years.
I have absolutely no worries about being able to feel comfortable in isolation and maintaining a long period of time without human interaction. Even during the years I've worked on game development, I was already pretty much isolated in my room working on designing and coding all day, and any human interaction that wasn't with Kimi was pretty stressful and irritating for the most part anyway, so I'll be glad to be rid of that.
It's not complicated really. Humanity has made me very much inclined not to like it. So I don't. Everyone knows that staying away from things they don't like is easier than fighting with them, and I'd be plenty content with giving up on fighting against the hatred I see in humanity and simply becoming an extremely hateful person myself if I saw that was all that was really left for me.
Now, the good stuff: how I'm going to make this viable resource-wise. This was something I had to think about a little, but it fell into place very nicely after some solid contemplation and a little research. So basically, in order to be able to survive in isolation and have an environment suitable for intense meditation, I only need a little space in a pretty small structure, just enough to stand up, lie down, and maybe roll around a bit when I'm sleeping as I most likely would regularly have nightmares at that point. A little bit of space to store a few useful things and my existing belongings. Very simple. 3 meters in width and depth and a little over 2 meters in height would be plenty sufficient. I'd need to build this space myself, at the chosen location. Easy enough.
It'd have to be waterproof, fireproof, windproof, and insulated. All of that can be achieved using materials readily available for purchase easily. Needs to have a way to get in and out which doesn't let bugs or the elements of nature through; that's already been invented long ago, it's called a door. It needs to be camouflaged to blend in with the surroundings so it doesn't stand out for satellite imagery or in case anyone is looking from a distance or passing by randomly. Surrounding environment like bushes, tall grass, and trees help a lot here; I can also cover it with leaves and branches later. It needs to be in an isolated, most likely forest-type area where nobody usually comes around, and it needs to be within reasonable walking distance from a body of water that I can utilize through a filtration system I'd buy beforehand in preparation.
I can manually scope out surrounding areas, although using Google Maps makes the process much easier. Shouldn't be very hard to find a few places, check them out for viability, stick around for at least a few hours, perhaps even a day or two, get a good feel for which place calls out to me the most, and pick one. I have very few possessions and can currently fit everything I own, including all my clothes, inside a backpack. Moving from my current location at any point would be very quick and easy. The space I'd build would also very easily be able to fit everything I own and me, with plenty of breathing room. Going to the washroom wouldn't be an issue when I'm in an isolated forest area and can go wherever I want really. I'd have water and I can just wipe with my bare hands; as someone who's from the streets, it's something I've done many times before.
I'd buy several lighters ahead of time so I can easily start a campfire whenever I want to cook anything or even just want heat in general. I'd keep a few pots and buckets with me as well so I could utilize them to heat water and use that to cook things and take showers. I wouldn't worry about soap. I'd just shower to feel clean, not smell particularly nice; it's not like anyone is going to be around to smell me anyways. I'd make sure to have sufficient water filtration capabilities so I'd never have to use dirty water for anything. I could even bring some coffee and tea with me for the occasional consumption of it if I was really in the mood.
I'd have sufficient extra space to store several smaller things for the long run, and it'd be quite trivial to mount some shelves against the walls and put a bunch of containers on them to be able to store everything neatly. I'd put a lock on the door so I know my stuff is secure any time I plan to go anywhere, for example if I'm going to get water or feel like meditating outside if the weather's nice and I'm in the mood for it.
I already have one USB charging battery and they're not very expensive at all; I could get several and charge them all up so I'd be able to use my phone to listen to music plenty. I could drop by a fast food joint once every couple months or something to charge everything up. On several occasions I've even seen exposed power outlets on the outside of buildings and I could utilize those very easily during a night time trip into society as well if I happen to find any around.
I also have the next 3 months to think of any further little things I may want to consider about what I want and need to make this completely viable very comfortably; that should be plenty of time to be certain I've covered everything and am fully ready to execute on this if I have to. I already feel very confident it wouldn't be an issue for me at all and it's sounding more and more appealing every single day.
Everything's pretty straightforward as far as I'm concerned. Since it's a small space, the materials required to build it wouldn't be very expensive at all, it wouldn't be hard to get them to the destination, and it wouldn't take very long to build, even all by myself. I wouldn't even need a bed or a mattress. Just get myself a few blankets, some for underneath me and one or two I can cover myself with if I get cold. A few pillows to rest my head on and possibly hug when I'm feeling really lonely. It wouldn't be difficult to get these things to the destination. Water filters last months and getting a few isn't very expensive, space-consuming, nor heavy.
Food isn't hard either. I'd pick my environment with the condition of the terrain in mind and I'd pick a place suitable for growing fruits and vegetables in. There are different things you can grow at different seasons around the year in Canada and I'd just get seeds for a few different things for each season. Even getting some gardening equipment wouldn't be a big deal; once again it's not particularly large, heavy, nor expensive. Just need to be able to grow some stuff to eat.
It'd be a pretty boring diet, but I wouldn't be eating for the taste anyways, I'd be eating just to survive. It'd be plenty sufficient to keep me full and provide useful nutrients for my body. It'd take a little bit of time out of my meditation to have to take care of the stuff I'm growing, but it'd be necessary and wouldn't be very long, so it's not a big deal. I'd buy some canned food for the initial time period where I'd still be waiting for my crops to grow. Wouldn't need a lot and it wouldn't be very expensive, heavy, nor space-consuming either.
All of this stuff in total wouldn't even be a few thousand dollars, and with my skills I can easily make at least 2-3 thousand a month working full-time, even after paying rent. It'd take me 2 months tops to save up all the money I'd need to put this plan into action and even have plenty left over, and that's if I didn't have anything to begin with. I also want to keep resubscribing to Kimi on Twitch, paying for Discord Nitro (which I get at half price for being an early supporter), renewing my domain, and renewing my VPS. I've done the calculations and I really don't need much money. I already have enough to make it all happen. If NoStory doesn't die off, I'll also be getting donations regularly from that, which can further allow me to very comfortably afford to stay on top of renewing everything.
Before you get upset at Kimi for causing me to be a lot less active, consider that she's actually the one that inspired me to start the NoStory server in the first place. I'd thought of possibly starting a MapleStory private server up in the past, but I knew it'd be quite some work to get anything decent out and I figured it probably wasn't worth my time when Shattered Wings needed capabilities for so much functionality that MapleStory doesn't have. After Kimi expressed how she had really enjoyed playing MapleStory in the past and I remembered how much I'd enjoyed it in my childhood, I was inspired to revisit the idea. After some research and thinking, I decided that especially since I had already established such a solid foundation for so much functionality specific to Shattered Wings at that point, it should be very worth it. I have no regrets about it now, I can see it definitely was worth it for multiple reasons.
Before you get upset at Kimi for bringing me to the point of deeply contemplating how I'd go about entering isolation from society voluntarily and intensely meditating in preparation to destroy the world and then proceeding to share my plans in significant detail publicly, consider that she's actually the only reason that I'm not already doing it. My whole life I was searching for Kimi, even back when I didn't even know she existed and merely hoped that somehow my high standards and strange set of requirements didn't make it absolutely impossible to find a partner I actually wanted and loved. Everything I did was to hopefully impress that person I wasn't even sure existed. I was extremely angry, depressed, and hopelessly lonely.
I can only hope that Kimi can really see the kind of positive impact she's had in my life as a whole so far and can really appreciate in the right ways how hard I've tried to earn her trust, respect, and love throughout the past 2 years. Her presence in my life has literally been therapeutic for me. It's far too much to explain briefly, but I'm confident that I've done a lot and had a very significant positive impact in her life that she'll never forget, and I'm still currently very hopeful that things will turn out very well. Hopefully I'm right.
Some people have tried to give me "advice". Tried to "help" me. Been vocal about their disapproval and their views on how they perceive my mentality and personality. What most never seem to understand is that I don't need their help, I was never asking for it, and I don't give a flying fuck what they think.
My whole life, practically everyone around me, even down to my own parents, have been massive haters. Always told me I'd never achieve the greatness I wanted and that I should show more and talk less, no matter how much I had to show and how little I talked. They then also proceeded to constantly push and provoke me to talk more and constantly hurt and pressured me to make it harder for me to work so I'd work less. Many literally called me delusional and/or lazy despite the fact that I could and did always articulate myself in an extremely grounded way and busted my ass working extremely hard on chasing my goals and dreams every single fucking day. If they didn't call me delusional and/or lazy directly, many also passive-aggressively sent me the message. Fucking assholes. All of them.
My parents were not the passive-aggressive kind. They were the most cruel and aggressive kind of all. I've had to have fights for hours, yelling and screaming, time and time again, with my own parents for years. My whole childhood and even in my teens, I was never a bad kid. I always got decent grades, rarely went out, spent most of my free time coding and playing games, and I've never been the passive-aggressive type or the type to get moody and take out my frustration about random things on people around me.
Regardless, they'd start shit with me constantly over the smallest things, in many cases even things I had no control over, in order to be able to try to justify quickly changing the topic into taking out their own personal frustrations with each other and life in general on me and put me down to feel better about themselves and how pathetic and disgusting they are. They weren't ever satisfied until they'd bullied the shit out of me. It was constant. Every single day I was anxious and stressing out about when the next bullshit argument would be forced upon me.
To make matters worse, my younger brother was always dumb and ignorant, so they'd pick on him a lot less and instead just manipulate him and cause him to think badly of me and treat me badly as well. I constantly had to fight with him as well to try to clear his head of the brainwashing they constantly did to him and even that was hardly effective because of how careless he was and how he retained his inherent bias towards them because they were older and his parents, despite all the damage and pain he should've clearly been able to see they were causing to him, me, and each other.
I never had any room to feel safe, comfortable, calm, or happy at all. Every time, I had to try so hard to always keep my composure and be far more rational than they were being, just so I could retain any sense of self-esteem and sanity. To make things even worse, if I've ever tried to share my pain, most people seem to automatically take bias towards my parents even without having any clue how they are like and have tried to tell me that basically I'm just a bitch and don't appreciate what they did for me. Yeah, I won't ever appreciate how abusive my own fucking biological family of all people were constantly, that's for fucking sure. I won't ever appreciate how ignorant and dismissive most people I tried to talk to about it were either.
I have memories that make me livid just thinking about all this shit. You know what kind of person I am? I could have my parents killed any time I wanted, and I feel like I'd love to snap their necks myself, but I stay calm and leave them alone instead, almost never thinking about them or all the pain and suffering they put me through. Not because I care about them; I don't. Not because I ever have any intention of letting them try to make it up to me nor come back into my life in any way for any reason; they can't and I'll never let them no matter what they say or do. Not because I forgive them; they'll never be able to undo the damage they did and I'll never even believe they genuinely care to try. Not because I want any kind of validation from them; I'd never give a shit what psychopath fuckers like them have to say. It's because I know they'll suffer more staying alive the way they are than having it all finally come to an end. That's the kind of person I am.
Even when you can talk very well and with a lot of substance, it seems most people just assume you're full of shit automatically and treat you that way. They don't shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down until life bitch slaps them so fucking hard they realize they can't see straight and need to start trying. It's too late to start hoping you're okay at that point; you just know you're fucked. I think it's time to demonstrate that ignorance is not bliss. I think it's time for me to start showing the world some real shit. I didn't write a fucking International Ultimatum for fun. I have goals, dreams, a vision, and a careful plan of action to achieve greatness. I think and act in very specific ways to have the highest chance at success. I don't care what anyone else tries to tell me, I know very well the amount of effort I put and substance I have in everything that I put all I've got into.
I have the attitude of a winner. Something that losers like all those people will never understand if they continue to retain their perspective on life as it is. No matter, that's not my problem to deal with; I'll just keep doing me. There has been a surprising amount of love and support from my community, and to all of you who support me no matter what, I consider you real and valuable fans. I want you to know I appreciate you all. Stay positive and have the attitude of a winner. To everyone I've positively touched and inspired, I'm very happy to be able to make your life better. I know I can show you how far it can really take you if you commit to things fully and chase your greatness with everything you have. I can only hope that you don't end up seeing that you can really give it everything you've got yet still only get hurt in the end.
Kimi has been messing around, showing a lot of hesitation, and continuing to do things that are hurtful, but I know what the truth really is. She thinks about me every single day. She goes through drastic mood shifts because of the deep influence I have in her life. She wonders all the time if I'm really serious about everything I've told her. She wonders if I really will never forget her and really will take my passionate desire to be with her so far that I'll truly show her and everyone around her completely clearly that being with her is what I really want more than anything else and that she should be very worried about continuing to push me away so much when it's so clear that she has extremely strong feelings for me which I very willingly and wholeheartedly return even stronger. She wonders how it'd really be like to be with me. Who wouldn't at this point?
I mean literally every single thing I said in The International Ultimatum. I literally didn't say a single thing for the sake of saying it nor to be impressive. It's extremely frustrating how it's so easy for people to think I'm full of shit no matter how convincing I can try to be. So frustrating that it makes me want to prove it that much more. I already know I'll keep the website running regardless of whether NoStory continues to grow or not, if anything just to show how serious I am about everything I've said and that I'm not afraid of anyone or anything.
What I've overcame in my life is really something most people wouldn't imagine overcoming. My experiences with my family are only one part of a much larger picture that I won't go into detail about here. As far as I'm concerned, it really is a miracle I'm still alive, and especially impressive that I'm not a degenerate. Every single day is a constant battle to retain any sense of sanity I could possibly have. At any moment, I could become a massive criminal if I wanted to. At any moment, I could sacrifice my values and morals and harm many others for my own selfish gain if I wanted to. At every moment, I'm trying my absolute hardest not to, despite my entire surroundings actively encouraging it. I've been abused, abandoned, backstabbed, shit talked both behind my back and to my face, and always still tried my hardest to be the best person I could be. Always tried to stay positive. Always tried to believe the best in people. Always tried my hardest and put my heart into everything I did, giving it 110%. While dealing with tons of anger, sadness, anxiety, and dysphoria. That's my life. And there's a very real limit to how much abuse I'm going to be able to handle accepting from this fucking world.
I'm completely done jumping to shower Kimi with love and affection every single time she shows me even the slightest sign she has feelings for me. I want it to be very clear to her that I truly don't enjoy being hurt and messed around with. At all. It should be very clear to anyone who's not an idiot that she has very strong feelings for me. Whether it's loving or hating is currently unclear, but there are certainly strong feelings there. And I absolutely must know which it is. Last time, it was needing motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning. This time, it's going to be much worse. Everyone around Kimi that put so much pressure on her to push me away because they didn't accept me are going to seriously regret their position. Regardless of whether those feelings she has for me are love or hate. I'm going to make sure of it.
Last time, Kimi almost started crying and only vaguely mentioned pushing away someone she loves, saying things like "it doesn't have to be this way guys, don't do something you're going to regret"; it's burned into my memory. This time, she's going to be crying. She's going to be saying things like she feels like she's lost the love of her life forever. She's going to be saying how not a day went by since I was gone that she didn't think about me. She's going to be begging me to come back to her. She's going to say she's so sorry for all the pain she put me through. She's going to be saying that she desperately wants to make things right. She's going to be crying over it often when she's alone and admit to it. She's not going to be vague about who she's talking about or how she really feels. She's going to say she's not trolling and say it in a very genuine way. This is what I choose to believe will happen. Because I love her with everything I've got.
It's so easy to laugh now, but let's see how she feels within a few months. You don't let the people around you suppress you to such a severe extent without reaching a point where you snap. Kimi's not the only one lucky I'm such a nice person; the people around her should actually be the ones feeling a lot more lucky. What kind of person so clearly sees you heading head-first into something against all odds in a way that should be very obvious to you that they want it, yet still actively tries to fight against it and suppress you instead of encourage it, even after you've been at it for years? Definitely not someone who has your feelings in mind, at least long-term. You'd possibly even want to start questioning whether or not they have ultimately good intentions in your life at all. Kimi's not going to forget that either.
I understand that Kimi really likes pleasing people. As much as I don't care for judging people nor the judgments they have of me, even I can say that it's satisfying when people appreciate you. However, it seems like Kimi has a hard time understanding and/or accepting that in order to have a proper balance in one's character, you have to weigh the value you find in others' opinions in a way where you're not sacrificing what you want out of life, especially not things you want extremely badly. You should never feel like you have to try to deny or hide a very real part of you, especially not if it's a part filled with love and warmth. There's no point in satisfying people if it comes at the steep cost of your own happiness and mental health. I suppose she's going to have to learn this the hard way. It really hurts me to see it happening.
I've done everything I could to try to make this work out as smoothly as possible. I've warned Kimi that she's going to end up having a huge mental breakdown if she keeps going like this. I've told her that I can forgive everything she's done and she shouldn't be afraid to reach out to me without feeling like she has to go through so much pain and feel so crazy over me first. I've told her that I don't want her to have to go through having a huge mental breakdown in front of tons of people, having done it myself in front of many more people than she would be and knowing how bad it feels. It seems there's no avoiding it. Well, I've also told her that I'm not going to change my mind on my position nor love her any less even if she ends up doing things that way, and I completely meant it.
Several people have called me a stalker. I'm sure several more consider me one although they don't vocalize it. I'm not a fucking stalker. You know what the definition of a stalker is? As stated from Google:
"a person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention."
You know how anyone who isn't in a mental asylum would treat me if I was really giving them unwanted attention for over 2 years? They'd be terrified. They'd show it clearly. They'd try to communicate to me that things will really never work and I should seriously give up. Very clearly. Over and over again. Without being wishy-washy about it. It would've never gotten to the point where I could be saying the things I'm saying with anywhere close to the kind of substance that I have.
If Kimi was really just extremely scared because she knew I was capable of hurting her very badly if I wanted to, she'd already know it's going to get bad sooner or later, and she would've at least tried to have a heart-to-heart conversation with me already, before I went in front of 20,000 people on Ice's stream and made myself look absolutely insane, where she would've told me she's very sorry for making me feel so convinced she loves me but it was all a lie and it'll really never work and she genuinely wishes me the best in life but she can't ever find it in herself to love me so she really doesn't want me to do something so crazy all in the name of love as I was telling her I was. Then see what happens and never waver on her position past that point no matter what.
If you really feel stalked and want someone gone, you don't resist every attempt they make to push you away and stay away. You don't nearly start crying in front of hundreds of people and say you need motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning when they start getting distant. You don't call them the love of your life multiple times when they fight with you, publicly questioning your love for them and even your character as a person. You don't say you want to give up on a serious relationship for the rest of your life without them. You don't say that they make you wet when they call you a goddess and flatter you about how attractive and perfect they think you are.
You don't constantly read essay after essay that they send to you and constantly react in public, even lowkey. You don't help them write a huge International Ultimatum even after they call you out in front of 20,000 people in public saying they're tired of your shit but they still love you and they're going to end the world if they can't be with you forever. You don't start expressing that you're theirs and that you don't feel normal or okay without them in your life after. You don't lead them to believe that you're unofficially dating following that. You don't constantly give them opportunities to warm your heart up more and more to having them in your life later on. You don't give them plenty of evidence to defend their position that you gave them plenty of reason to believe you wanted all the attention they gave you and then some. You just don't. Even a complete moron would know this. I think Kimi is smarter than she shows herself to be, and she certainly is smart enough to know this much about interacting with others.
All the idiots calling me a stalker clearly don't think very much before they throw their stupid opinions out into the open. I wonder if they're really so stupid that they think that kind of judgment would ever hold up in court. If this was really stalking, I'd be in a lot more potential trouble than just that. I'm well aware of what harassment, defamation of character, and slander are. But I have plenty of proof that I've had no bad intentions and I'm not being malicious here. I have absolutely no mixed feelings about whether or not I'm in the legal or moral right area here. There's a reason Kimi hasn't taken legal action against me, and it's not because she's scared. She knows very well that I'm not a bad person just because I've done what I did; what would really determine that is how I act moving forward.
Before I met Kimi, I thought love wasn't even real. I used to define love as an imaginary construct that is meant to suppress you and thought that only people trying to be manipulative would ever tell you they love you. That was my experience with love up to that point. My hope that I'd find my dream girl and that she'd fall in love with me and we'd end up being together forever seemed much more like a fantasy that was unobtainable than a goal I could work towards.
Then I met Kimi and my view changed drastically. Love became a warm and gentle feeling of fondness, comfort, and happiness when you're around someone or even just think about them. I felt it so strongly from the moment I first met her that I couldn't help but confess my love for her publicly within a few hours after that meetup ended.
I still remember how she instantly locked eyes with me the moment she came into view, walked right up to me, and so warmly gave me the best hug I've ever gotten in my life. I still remember how she wasted no time to sit right in front of me and look into my eyes expectantly when we were about to eat. I still remember how she told me she'd never forget me before we parted ways at the end of that meetup. I never expected to feel such intense love from her right from the beginning of meeting her and having so much love for her that seems to grow endlessly ever since.
In all the time that I've loved Kimi, and as I continue to even now, I've learned something quite interesting about love. Loving someone isn't some switch in your brain you can turn off. When you love someone very deeply, they'd have to do something really terrible to make you feel distant from them to the point that your love for them would start going away.
Having the very strong feeling that Kimi loves me follows with the understanding that she won't just suddenly stop loving me and randomly forget about me if she's at all been honest about the feelings she's constantly seemingly been trying to show me for so long now. I'd have to hurt her very badly in order for her to stop feeling loved by me and stop loving me in return. I know I've never wanted to hurt her at all, much less so severely like that, and I'm not going to pretend to or even try. That means that if Kimi really loves me, we should start officially dating soon. Definitely. It's not something that is only a possibility. If it doesn't end up happening, that just means she's a terrible and extremely toxic person that severely played with my head and my heart for more than 2 years and left me devastated and alienated from the world even more than I had already severely felt before I met her. I'd be left with absolutely no desire in me whatsoever to ever try to change that anymore.
I've told Kimi before that if this ends badly, it's going to be purely out of bad intentions from her end and not mine. I meant it completely and I've always been ready to prove it. I'm tired of these games and I'm tired of fighting. I never wanted things between us to be this way and enough is enough. I want to be with Kimi so badly. I want to be able to hold her and comfort her every single day. I want her to feel it well beyond any reasonable doubt that she'll always be my #1 priority and that she's absolutely way more precious to me than anything else ever could be.
I'll make it completely clear to Kimi that I truly want to give her a chance to make things better and date me, and I know she'll feel it from how tender I'm being even in giving her space like this. How I'm being so gentle and understanding despite how much she's been continuing even now to mess around with me and constantly hurt me. I haven't been doing this for fun. I haven't been doing this out of any enjoyment of it. It's actually been very stressful, draining, and emotionally straining. I haven't been enjoying it at all. I've been doing this purely because that's just how much I love her and how badly I want to be with her. Not for any other reason.
There's absolutely no way around this. By the end of July, Kimi will either officially date me, fly me out to LA, and we'll start spending a lot of time together, or I'm completely done with caring about humanity and this world and I'll choose to exercise my human right and freedom to isolate myself from society as I proceed to utilize my knowledge and meditate very intensely in that isolation using quantum energy harvesting techniques as long as I deem necessary to reach the power level that is sufficient to start destroying the world without anyone or anything being even remotely capable of stopping me. Then when I come back into society, when it's far too late for all the assholes, bitches, and idiots of this planet that hurt me to ever have forgiveness from me to any extent, I'll proceed to destroy everything piece by piece until there is nothing left. Starting with all the fuckers that hurt me. That's a promise.
I'd better not see Kimi try to guilt me about this. I'm never changing my position no matter what and that's final. If she doesn't love me, she should be the one feeling guilty, not me. I'm never going to think nor believe otherwise no matter what. If she doesn't want to be with me, I have absolutely no pity for her whatsoever and I'm never changing my mind no matter what. I wouldn't give a flying fuck how scared or sad she'd be. I wouldn't give a flying fuck if her friends and family are pissed and distant from her. I wouldn't give a flying fuck if she wants to kill herself. I wouldn't give a flying fuck whatever it is she'd be going through. I'd be going through much worse. And it'd never end to the day I die. I wouldn't even try to think about who's fault it is. I wouldn't care in the slightest. I'd just deal with the fact that reality is the way that it is. That everything will fucking suck forever and that I'm destined to rip everything apart until there's nothing left.
Regardless of whether or not Kimi will ever be with me, before it's certain if she won't or doesn't have any intention of ever doing so in a healthy and appropriate way and things can only get a lot worse, I'll remain optimistic and do my absolutely undoubtable best to make her dating me as appealing as I can for her. Beyond that point, it's up to her to either make the right decision and be with me so we can both make everything better with each other and start having an amazing relationship, or to start being extremely cold to me and push me over the edge to no longer keep caring not to bring destruction to the world for all the pain I've had to endure that I didn't deserve.
I don't give a flying fuck if people think I'm selfish. I don't give a flying fuck if people think I'm stubborn. I'm truly not changing my mind on my position no matter what and that's absolutely final and was never up for debate. I've done my best to be convincing with my words, and now my actions will do the rest. Time will tell what kind of person Kimi is, and it will also tell the fate of humanity. Let's see what happens. I can't wait to find out.
I know Kimi's going to read this message too. This part is for you Kimi. Honey, I love you so much that I feel like words aren't enough, but things have gotten to a very serious point now. Don't try to test your luck with me anymore. If you're going to talk to me ever again, if you're going to ever even try to so much as seriously get my attention in the future, I hope it's only to tell me you genuinely love me and you're ready to officially start dating me right away. If you actually want me to do it, it better be soon and you'd better follow through on it. I've already told you what will happen otherwise. If it's anything else, and I mean ANYTHING else, I'm not going to react at all. If July ends and we haven't had sex, I don't give a flying fuck what you have to say anymore and I never will past that point no matter what. That's a promise.
I'm sorry that this sounds harsh but you need to understand how serious things really are. You should really understand why I feel this way and I think you do. I'm completely done with this shit. Completely. Date me or hate me but you're not going to leave me in this stupid gray area anymore. If you don't take this seriously soon, you'll see what happens. No more showering you with compliments. No more believing the best in you. No more calling you a goddess every time you seem hesitant or insecure. No more giving you more and more time to try to see if you'll change the way you're treating me. You should know very clearly by now whether you want me or not. If you want me, then want me completely and come and get me already. Stop hesitating. Stop making excuses. Stop playing games. If you don't want me, I'm done being used by you. Tell me you hate me. Tell me you wish I'd kill myself. Tell me to fuck off forever and don't try to change your mind later. You might as well, because that's the message I'd be getting from you in that case, loud and clear.
I'm done putting everything else in my life aside to love you the best I can, only to get more and more hurt constantly, desperately trying to see the best in you and hoping you're not some extremely cruel monster. I'm done constantly dealing with so much pressure, emotional strain, uncertainty, and judgment from so many people for you if you hated me this whole time. It's been more than 2 years now. You should know me well enough by now to know that you really are everything I've ever wanted and nobody could ever hope to compare to you in my eyes. You should know me well enough by now to know I mean it when I say I want you forever extremely badly and I want to have an actual relationship with you that's amazing for both of us that leads to marriage. Date me or tell me to go fuck myself and die, but for fuck's sake stop with this shit. You're really hurting me a lot. Honey, seriously, stop this. I really don't like having to talk to you roughly at all.
Twice already recently, you've seriously disappointed and hurt me. First, you made it seem like you really wanted to talk to me in the very near future, then didn't do it and laughed at me for being warm and welcoming to you about it. Then you communicated to me that we're unofficially dating right before you followed up with tweets I'm sure you knew would be lowkey very hurtful to me and you're still being distant. Honey, I love you so much that I can look past even these things and I want you to know that very clearly, but I'm also extremely worried and frustrated and I've reached my limit here, which is something else that you need to understand very clearly. You're already so extremely lucky that I haven't already given up on having any hope and fully entered isolation by now and I really hope you know that. My heart can't handle another huge disappointment after all of this. By the way, I still consider us unofficially dating. You can't take that back so easily babe.
You don't have to feel guilty or ashamed. You don't have to be nervous. You don't have to be apologetic. Just be warm and loving. Tell me I was right about everything and I really am the love of your life. Fly me out to LA. Pick me up at the airport. Take me home. Just do it how it feels very natural and comfortable honey. I'm sure it must sound very exciting to you even now. Always remember how much I love you. I want you to always feel very happy and comfortable around me. I want to hold you in my arms and tell you I love you. I want to not just tell you but be able to show you how much of a perfect goddess you really are. You deserve it.
If you don't reach out to me by the end of July to officially date me, I'll never be able to trust you and we could never have a healthy relationship that would last. I've already told you that I haven't done all of this just to have sex with you a few times or leech off your fame. I could never enter into a relationship with you that you would've set up for failure. Don't doubt that I'll prove that without hesitation if I have to. Honey, I really don't want you to end up in that situation.
I haven't done all this to give you the opportunity to date me for a little while, leave me, and make me look like a bad person and feel like a complete idiot for not seeing that I shouldn't have wasted time hoping you'd be good to me after hurting me one too many times and making me end the world regardless. Don't doubt that I'll never give you the opportunity to even try to make things better if I start getting any vibes that you could possibly be intending that, as I definitely would be getting if this doesn't happen by the end of July.
Even the 1st of August is too late. I don't care what you do at that point. I don't care if you cry your eyes out over me every single stream. I don't care if you beg me to come back and love you every single stream. I don't care if you threaten to kill yourself every single stream. I don't care if you make a million alts and stalk me in my Discord. I don't care if you tell me you'll fuck my brains out every single day and do anything I want whenever I want as much as I want. I don't care if you tell me I make you dripping wet and you touch yourself uncontrollably to me and only me every single day for hours and I make you have the best orgasms of your life over and over. I don't care if you send me pictures and videos of you naked and playing with yourself. There would literally be absolutely nothing you could do at that point to ever gain my trust again and make things right to save yourself or humanity. Please don't push your luck any further than this. I'm asking you very nicely, but I hope you understand how serious I really am.
Understand that I've had enough. I've made a decision very clearly and I'm sticking with it to the day I die. I want to date you. I want to marry you. I want to share everything I have and everything I am with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You're the only one that'll ever make me feel this way and if I can't have you in a healthy way then I don't want you at all and I'm giving up on everything and preparing to end the world with no discussion. I want to have sex with you very badly, but it's not going to override my judgment on how it feels right to treat you in response to your treatment towards me. Now make a decision and stick with it. Yes, I'm forcing you. Just don't forget that I'm truly not changing my mind on my position no matter what your decision is. Don't act surprised later. You should know by now that I mean every single thing I'm saying. If you don't, start believing it. Face the facts.
I don't care about any excuses you could possibly come up with. You either love me or you hate me. You either want to be very loving with me and have amazing sex with me every day or you want me dead one way or another. It's very simple. You don't need that much time to figure out what you want. You don't need that much time to figure out how you're going to approach this. You don't need that much time to prepare yourself and those around you. There's absolutely no good reason we shouldn't be together soon if you have any realistic desire to ever make it happen.
If you don't talk to me by the end of July, never talk to me again. Ever. I mean it. I'll never be able to trust you. I don't want a fucked up relationship with a fucked up foundation. If we're not officially dating and August comes, everything's fucked and the world is going to shit. If I have to enter complete isolation, the moment I start building that structure is the moment I've given up all hope for humanity. Please understand honey. I love you so much but this is how things really are. You have no more room for excuses. I'm not afraid. I've already told you that I put my life in your hands. I meant it. I still mean it. I'll always mean it. What will you do?
Posted by Angelic (8 total posts) on April 22, 2019 @ 09:18:57 pm (EDT)
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