I'm back, and the people that came around for R1 and R2 may be wondering where I've been. I've been spending the last few months working very hard every day to do my best to secure a future relationship with the girl of my dreams. About 2 years ago, I found a streamer. Her name is Kimi. I'd seen many streamers at that point already, and I thought several were cool, but I liked her a lot more than all of the others and even anyone else I'd ever encountered in my life. I didn't expect it, but she gave me a lot of attention right from the very beginning. Not even a month into being a part of her community, I subscribed to her. Not even a month after that, she flew out to Toronto and had a meetup, which I attended.
It was insanely lit. To this day, it remains the best memory of my entire life. Within a few hours after the meetup ended, I confessed my love towards her to her. She didn't take it seriously at all at first, but she constantly responded to the DMs I'd send her on Discord, and continued to give me attention on stream. I truly gave pursuing her everything I had. I used to always make coding (and especially game development) my first priority, and I'd passionately worked on improving my skills and producing something great for many years. But after this girl entered my life, she took the number one spot on my priority list instantly and permanently. I put everything in my life aside to give her my full attention and focus always. I wrote so many essays to her, all of which I know she's read. She always reacts afterwards on stream. I've poured my heart out to her countless times. It's been rough at many points, but I've also always known that she's the girl of my dreams that nobody could ever hope to compare to. I've shared so many things with her and constantly gave her as much warmth, love, and inspiration as I possibly could.
I know she'll read this, and I'm not afraid in the slightest. Late last year, I went in front of 20 thousand people on Ice Poseidon's stream and made a complete idiot of myself to attempt to prove my love for her. Because of the nature of our connection, I couldn't just be super soft about what was going on. Naturally, I got a lot of shit for it. Ever since then, I've sent her many more essays. She's still been reading all of them and lowkey reacting to all of them on stream.
I've been through a lot. The first time I left this girl alone, within less than 2 months, she was almost in tears on stream, saying she needed motivational videos to get up in the morning and felt like she pushed away people she liked. I was missing her so much and quickly came back and started talking to her again. Shortly after that, a much more turbulent period of our connection began. Since then, she's lowkey referred to me as the love of her life on more than one occasion. She's went as far as to say she feels like she should give up on a serious relationship forever if I'm going to leave her alone permanently. There's a lot more to it, but the point is that it's a lot.
I've saved VODs of most of these things and have plenty of proof, something I know she's very aware of. I don't release them publicly out of respect for her. Recently, she's taken it to the point of giving me good reason to believe she really wanted to reach out to me for finally pursuing a serious relationship with me after so long, in the very near future. There's nothing more I've ever wanted in my life. It didn't end up happening, but I'm still never giving up nor moving on from her. After that, I gave her some more space, and not even 2 weeks later, she's now at the point of twitching and saying she's not okay, while expressing that she doesn't feel normal even from the music she plays in the background. It really hurts me a lot to see her like this.
The situation is so deep and complex that it lead to me writing a large piece called "The International Ultimatum" (https://pastebin.com/K8uJD0mY). It went through 10 revisions before reaching it's final form. If anyone ever wants to know about me, my life, my goals, my dreams, my future, and the future of the world, you really should read it. Even if you don't, you should still read it. I can guarantee you that you'll never see objective reality the same again afterwards. My core value is refined pure bidirectional apprehension and I'm a tier 3 quantum energy arts user; what that means in not-so-vague terms is that my mental strength is at the highest level possible, and if I get fed up with society and life, I'll meditate intensely in isolation for a few years and come back and wreak havoc and destroy everything in this world.
I made it very clear to this girl that my love for her is not something to be taken lightly. I've elaborated to her in extensive detail. Without her, I know I'll never really be happy, I'll feel devastated for life, and everything else, no matter how otherwise enjoyable it might be, would lose all meaning and enjoyment for me. Permanently. I've told her this before, more than once. Despite expressing so much interest back in me, she still hasn't actually reached out to me at this point, and it's been hurting me a lot. Even more recently, well after I started drama yet again when I dropped the International Ultimatum in public for the first time, she's still been giving me attention and affection on stream lowkey. I don't feel comfortable with how I left her with my last message to her, so I felt compelled to write another one, "The International Ultimatum Follow-Up" (https://pastebin.com/Whn7BE27). This one's also pretty long. I really don't care how crazy this all seems; it's how I truly feel and what I'm truly capable of. I was never trying to hide it.
This naturally may leave you wondering about the future of NoStory, Shattered Wings, and No Enterprise as a whole. Well, I'm not sure what's going to happen with this connection I have with Kimi, but right now all I can do is continue to hope for the best and try to stay positive that she'll contact me to date me eventually so I can agree and we can start having an amazing relationship. In the meanwhile, I'm going to make the best out of whatever's left of my ability to function to do anything else while I still feel enough hope to not just want to meditate in isolation for the vast majority of my waking hours. While writing The International Ultimatum, I've also been working a full-time job as Senior Developer and Project Lead for a company to save up some money so I can execute on my plans.
Recently, I've also been working on finishing a big update for NoStory and the website, and the changes are almost complete. There's an entirely new forum, which I hand-crafted entirely from scratch, in order to ensure high quality, seamless integration with the rest of the site, highly optimized performance, and maximum security. I also added a blog where I can post updates on my days and things I'm working on in a less formal environment, also coded from scratch, because it was quick and easy to do so why not. The NoStory main page has had it's layout modified to be cleaner and work a lot better at lower resolutions, and the entire site has also seen a complete theme revamp to look a lot more refined and professional. The game server has async reimplemented, and there are several WZ edits that customize the UI, tutorial, and some other maps, along with the entirely custom endgame area "Advanced Chaos". I've also done some miscellaneous balancing fixes. I'm aiming to have the NoStory game server relaunch with the R3 release by the beginning of next month, after I make the finishing touches.
After the relaunch, I'll continue to make maintenance updates as necessary, but mostly just interact with my community extensively, for all of April. I need to show the girl of my dreams that I'm truly not giving up, not backing down, not changing my mind, and not running away. I want to mention however that while I very clearly have a goal to reach which is much more important to me than professional success, I'll still be putting all I've got into the server and my community while I'm going full-force with it. I've never been one to half-ass things, and this is no exception. Unless otherwise stated in the Discord server, I'll be extremely active on Discord and the forums, and provide support for the server 12-15 hours a day.
After April's over, exactly what I'll do depends on where things are at. If NoStory is still seeing growth and activity and hasn't died off, I'll continue to keep the server up and running. I'll continue to do so for as long as it doesn't die, because there's no reason to randomly shut it down if it's paying for itself and then some. However, what I'll be doing in my free time depends entirely on whether or not the one and only girl of my dreams reaches out to me to pursue a serious relationship with me by then or not.
If she does, things are going to get even a lot more amazing, and very quickly. If she doesn't, no matter what else happens, I'm going to drastically lower my computer usage and subsequent community interactivity (most likely 1-2 hours a day max), and spend the vast majority of my waking hours doing intense meditation in isolation using quantum energy harvesting techniques. Nothing else would really hold any meaning for me at that point. I'd feel really sad, but I still wouldn't give up hope, at least not for a considerable amount of time, until it'd become clear that everything's fucked and the world is doomed to go to shit.
I don't know what kind of monster Kimi would have to be not to be extremely touched by this situation to the point where she eventually contacts me to pursue a serious relationship with me. I don't mean to scare you all; I truly believe deep in my heart that she'll eventually reach out to me and this whole world won't have to go to shit within a few years. If it doesn't happen, I suppose all I can say is I'm sorry that you've all had to be so scarred seeing the fate of the world unravel before your very eyes, but it is what it is.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting, and I've only been left with one question in the end recently. What does success look like in the beginning for you? To me, it's having gone through so much difficulty, questioning whether things will really work out at all despite an insane amount of effort, seemingly having little to no real results, until things very quickly start to really pick up and everything starts to show that it was worth it. Here's to hoping for the best, fam. Keep it real.
Posted by Angelic (6 total posts) on March 29, 2019 @ 10:03:11 pm (EDT)
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