I don't need advice
I've been seeing Kimi make several motivational/self-help type tweets recently and it really just started feeling like gaslighting at this point so I wanted to feel absolutely certain I've made myself crystal clear. I'm not sure if she's been saying these things just to comfort herself, because she thinks she's helping me, or if it's just to piss me off, but I'll share my perspective on it.
She hasn't said anything I didn't learn and start applying in my life long ago. It's quite unlikely she could.
I guess it's pretty difficult for people to understand how in tune with reality I really am and that I truly didn't act the way I have this whole time because I was being pathetic and blindly emotionally reactive. I said and did it all with calculated purpose. I don't just say that because it sounds nice.
The things Kimi's been saying don't serve to help or comfort me at all. If she's saying them just to comfort herself then that's fine, more power to her. But if she thinks she's helping me, she couldn't be more wrong and she should stop wasting her efforts already. She's not being helpful, she's coming off extremely pretentious and patronizing to me and only further fueling my anger, frustration, and sadness.
I don't want nor need her or anyone else's help or advice and it's for the very simple reason that there's nothing anyone can say or do to help me, her, or the rest of the world if we'll never be together. Additionally, I'm not changing my position no matter how frustrated she makes me, only more carefully considering if I should ever give her a chance later, no matter how badly she may end up begging me. It's not going to do anyone any good for her to keep going like this, and it's going to cause her so much fear of what I may do to her that I doubt it could ever be emotionally satisfying for her either.
I don't care what Kimi or anyone else thinks or says about me, all I care about is the fact of the reality that results from that and what I'm going to do as a result of how it makes me feel. I'm well aware that just because someone thinks something about you that doesn't make it true. Kimi doesn't have to care if I think she's insane if she doesn't want to be with me, but she does have to care if I'm going to rip her life apart and start destroying the world around her in a couple years. I don't think she would, but I don't care even if Kimi thinks I'm super messed up for wanting to be with her. I'm not changing my mind. I'm sure it'll show eventually, even if it's too late for her to do anything about it when she starts to see it clearly.
I'm not upset because I'm under some kind of impression that Kimi's trying to manipulate my view of reality and bring down my self-esteem or inhibit my potential somehow, and certainly not because I'm immature and not even aware of reality to the extent to recognize such things in general. I'm not upset because I'm trying to impress her and it doesn't seem to be working. I'm not upset simply because I'm under the impression she wants me to be. I'm not upset for any other stupid reasons. I'm upset because I know that no matter what anyone thinks, says, or does, the reality that I'll never be anything close to happy without being with Kimi forever will always remain. I'm upset because I should be. Because the love of my life that holds the fate of the world in her hands may not even really give a shit about me and I need to show her the reality of the path she's heading towards. It's a pretty good reason to be upset as far as reasons go.
I don't say I don't care what anyone thinks or says out of some immature and petty emotional reactivity, but because I'm fully aware and accepting of the fact that the only thing that really matters is not only how it makes me feel, but most importantly, what I'm going to do about it. In this case, upset can't even begin to truly describe how never getting to be with Kimi would make me feel, and there is a hell of a lot I can and will do about it.
The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter whether Kimi or anyone else thinks well or poorly of me, nor whether they talk well or poorly of me, whether it's behind my back or even to my face. There are undoubtedly people all across the board in all those areas and on its own it doesn't mean much of anything either way to me. I've already achieved so much greatness with only more on the way regardless of what Kimi chooses to do, and as I've said before, greatness is polarizing. That's life.
What matters is what people do, and if there are people getting in the way between me and Kimi, even if it's Kimi herself, then that is the real problem I have here.
Regardless of what anyone thinks, says, or does, the fact that I've had feelings for Kimi from the beginning which have only become much stronger since then and that I know will never even remotely fade, as a result of all her actions, remains.
The fact that she must face the consequences of her actions and that the consequences are that she has to end up being with me in a way that is clearly intended to be sustainable forever, before the end of this year, or the world will end by the time she reaches 30 at the latest remains.
The fact that I only have desire to inflict maximum pain and destruction upon the entire world if I never get to be with her remains.
Whatever she or anyone else wants to think or say about me now is irrelevant. All that remains is that me, her, and everyone else have to deal with the reality that the world is ending in about 2-3 years from now if we don't end up together long before then. I don't care if she had good or bad intentions in her behavior. I don't care whether she wants me to be happy without her or not. I don't care how many people are for or against us being together. Nothing is ever going to change my mind about what I want and what I can and will do about it if I don't get what I want. Period.
My connection with Kimi sets a precedent in my life. She's already shown so much interest in me and taken things so far. I'm not going to let it slide that the woman I find by far the most attractive in the world, both physically and mentally, shows so much interest in me and builds such a history with me, and then tries to tell me I should just forget about it. No. I won't. Ever.
If the most attractive woman in the world by far in my eyes can mess with me so much so easily and I let it slide, then what? Put a bunch of effort to be with someone I find far less attractive, only to be willing to accept being used and abandoned by her too? Might as well give up on ever having a meaningful relationship in my life!
Since that's the most important thing in the world to me, if I'm going to give up on it, why care about life at all? Telling me to give up on Kimi very quickly becomes telling me to just kill myself. If I'm going to kill myself for that reason after everything I've had to go through and constantly working against all my life circumstances not to end up in that situation, I'm not doing it without taking the whole fucking world down with me. I can and I'd want to, what more reason do I need? I didn't get so far in life only for it to be inconsequential in the end. If the world won't respect me properly before I turn into a global terrorist, maybe I'll at least nosedive into suicide seeing a little respect when I see the fear in people's eyes as I mercilessly slaughter everyone. If I'll never really be happy, I have nothing else to live for anyways at that point.
If this is Kimi's idea of kindness and forgiveness, I don't want it. This isn't kindness and forgiveness to me, this is being pretentious and patronizing, trying to cover it up with nice sounding words, and selling it in one steaming pile of shit package, and I'm not buying it. If Kimi wants to be nice and forgiving to me, she can date me. Then she can be kind and forgiving to me while we're dating. That's how she can actually be kind and show me forgiveness, not by trying to tell me to fuck off and forget about her. She's long past the point of ever being able to make me feel anything resembling kindness from her if she won't date me.
If she really wants to be kind to me, she can take responsibility for making me fall so deeply in love with her that I ended up publicly committing to end the world if I can't have her forever, and date me. She can let me take responsibility for making her wet with the things I write to her, as she's said I have in the past. She can let me in bed with her so I can show her how thoroughly I'm into women, so I can prove to her that I'm not interested in men like she seems to be so worried (or convinced?) that I am. She can take responsibility for how she's managed to consistently turn me on far more than anyone else ever could, instead of playing games and acting like she's not even very attractive. She can cuddle with me and comfort me and spend time with me where we can enjoy each other's company, even in silence.
These are the kinds of things that actually show kindness and forgiveness. Not fucking calling me gay when I've expressed so much attraction to her both physically and mentally, followed by basically telling me to fuck off and forget about her when it should be very clear that I don't want to do that. What she's doing now is absolutely cruel, not nice in any interpretation by any stretch of the imagination as far as I'm concerned.
I'll use a metaphor directly parallel to this situation that should be very easy for anyone to understand. If you shoot someone and they die, it doesn't matter whether you wanted to kill them or just send them to the hospital, and it doesn't matter what you think or say about them before or after shooting them. The fact of the matter remains that you killed them. No matter what you think or say, they aren't coming back and everyone who cared about them has to deal with the fact that they're gone.
I'm not acting the way I am out of any kind of immaturity or confusion, I'm doing so because I understand completely clearly that I know my own reality best and I know completely clearly how I feel, what I want, and what I can and will do about it if life is going to kick me so hard yet again when I'm already down.
I either stay on the ground and let myself die a slow, agonising, and pathetic death, or I stand the fuck back up and hit back with everything I've got left in me. If I get hit even harder later and can't recover, so be it, I'll die. But I'm not going to go down slow and pathetic. At this point, it's all over either way if life is going to just take out a gun and shoot me in the head, so I might as well try and see if even the slightest chance I can make things work out well in the end could pay off.
I've reached the position I'm in fully embracing only surrounding myself with people who can see and appreciate that I know my reality best. The fact of the matter is simply that I've had the misfortune of a combination of both mostly really shitty people around me, combined with a very complicated reality that very few if any can truly understand and accept. If I wasn't already living my life with this thought process in practice, I wouldn't have already long cut off all those people that have been a toxic influence in my life.
In fact, it's because I follow this principle so firmly that I'm left alone now. I don't ever compromise my inner values and principles, even if it means I'll end up alone and beyond upset. I'll wholeheartedly accept being alone and feeling fucked up and torn apart emotionally but grounded and confident in myself and my life choices rather than surround myself with toxic or mediocre people I hate or feel indifferent towards and feel confused, lost, and fake while feeling like my attitudes are up in the air.
My personality and wisdom come from years of relentlessly questioning my emotions, attitudes, behavior, and thought processes on a daily basis from a very young age. Having to deal with constant abuse at home and then constant toxic and questionable behavior outside tends to do that to you.
I've lived my life very far from sheltered. I've adapted to my environments and the world as a whole so deeply and thoroughly that there's very little anyone can tell me that can considerably shift my views on any matter, and absolutely nothing anyone can think, say, or do to ever shift a view I hold as strongly as my desire to be with Kimi and what I'll do if I never get it.
People trivially dismiss my core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, but rarely if ever stop to really think about the fact that they don't even know what it is that they're trivially dismissing. They don't realize that they're trivially dismissing something that took a lifetime of intense struggle with constant conflict, immense patience and dedication despite massive pressure and suffering, many painful sacrifices, and surviving several near-death experiences in the pursuit of obtaining and maintaining. Something I'm willing to kill for and die for. An immense achievement that makes me the world's leading expert in philopsychology. The study of the nature of reality as it pertains to it's implications in human nature and behavior. That's insignificant?
I don't need help. It's everyone else that needs help. And I'm going to fucking prove it.
Posted by Angelic (8 total posts) on July 9, 2019 @ 05:42:50 pm (EDT)
Kimi's trying to make me look bad and validate her behavior now
I saw Kimi's latest stream and I saw that stunt she pulled at the beginning of having someone spam in her chat that she's a lonely, depressed loser and that she should go fuck herself. I'm writing this as a public statement that it wasn't me and that I don't approve of this kind of retardation at all. I can't imagine some random person doing something like that unprompted, and since I know it wasn't me, that only leaves it being something Kimi herself coordinated.
I can understand that she's still confused about my feelings and she might think I want her to do these kinds of things, but I really don't. I'm not going to change my position no matter how bad she makes me out to be, so I'd strongly suggest she stops this. I love her and I want to spend my life with her and that's not going to change no matter what, only potentially become not viable if she pushes me away too much, and if that happens then I've already told her what's going to happen. This kind of behavior only hurts me and will ultimately only hurt her as well if she continues.
I'd never do something like that to anyone. Not even out of any particularly warm feelings stopping me, but simply because it's extremely petty and that's not the kind of character a person in my position could ever survive in this world with if they possessed it. I'd be wasting my own time and energy to end up looking and feeling bad, while giving her an opportunity to make herself look better and feel validated in treating me poorly; a complete loss for me. When it comes to the kind of life or death situations I've had to deal with many times in the past, if I had ever employed that mentality, I'd already be dead. I understand Kimi's been sheltered a lot so she has the luxury to think and act this way, but that is one thing that's very different between us.
Every single time I've started drama, it always had length and depth and was always meant to be thought-provoking and show that I care, even if it means I have to be cold. I did it because I saw positive value in it. Exclusively mean and cruel displays of hatred, particularly petty ones, have absolutely no positive value in them, at least to me. I've never just blurted out some mean shit in some petty short-sighted rage of a moment and it's for very good reason.
Whether Kimi will talk to me ever again or not, I haven't tried this hard to be petty in the end and throw it all away, especially not in such an unsatisfying way, and especially not while making her feel so validated in treating me so poorly. I could've been much more successful right now, through multiple avenues, before Kimi entered my life as well as without leaving any room for her in it later, but I didn't choose to take those opportunities and for very good reason that I'll never regret. I chose to invest everything in Kimi and I'm sticking with my decision all the way through no matter what.
I absolutely hate being hurt, but if I'm going to be hurt, I'm going to be hurt and right from the beginning fully embrace all my feelings that result from all the pain while being completely honest to myself that it's never going to change and I'll never be happy or even really satisfied with life at all. I've already long accepted the very real possibility that I'll actually have to enter complete isolation to meditate and end up actually ending the world.
I'd never want to do anything to make Kimi feel even slightly validated in the way she treated me and left me if that's the kind of outcome that's going to result from this whole thing. I don't even really care what the general public thinks is happening, I just care that the right people know the truth and understand what they're really doing. This post will achieve that. This kind of behavior isn't ever going to solve anything and I want that to be completely clear.
This approach would be extremely retarded for me to take for several reasons. Mainly because it should be no surprise that the kind of reaction Kimi had is exactly what I'd expect. If she's already going down the path of saying I broke her heart (which is definitely what she's doing from what she said in one of her past plobcasts), then obviously she's just going to say I'm only hurting her more if I say mean things to her now. It makes me look bad and her look good. It also validates a false view that I'm a bad person.
I've never been the type to find giving or receiving pain enjoyable to any extent, and by extension I've never found doing petty things like that to be emotionally satisfying at all either. As such, it would be extremely functionally inefficient with my time and energy, which I'd never be able to logically consolidate internally, as well as something completely out of the realm of my personality. This would be the absolute worst way to go if I'm trying to make Kimi truly look and feel bad.
The approach that would actually be the most effective to achieve that happens to also be the one that has the highest chance of her much more carefully considering her position towards me and seriously contemplating on entering into a relationship with me, even if it takes some time; the approach of just giving her space and meditating a lot while I wait to see how the situation further unfolds. Which is exactly what I'm doing.
Also, part of having no active ego is that I have acute projection awareness. Even if I were to have the thought that Kimi is depressed and lonely, I'd look at myself and very quickly realize that the first thought someone else would have to me saying that to her is that it's a reflection of my own inner state that I'm projecting onto her, and as a result come to the conclusion that I'm pathetic, stupid, and probably autistic. Anyone reasonably intelligent and at all aware of who I am wouldn't have much trouble at all understanding that someone like me who thinks on the 5th dimension would never do something like this to anyone for any reason.
I'm not refraining from petty, stupid, cruel actions out of fear nor out of desire to see others inflict them on Kimi/Kimi inflicting them upon herself, and I want that to be completely clear. Maybe Kimi still thinks I'm just waiting to snap and this will push me to do it. Nah. If Kimi doesn't care about the fate of humanity as a whole and would rather see the world end than try to make things work between us, then I don't care about humanity either. I'm not going to lash out in petty and stupid ways, I'm just going to execute on what I've said.
I'm not a pussy and I don't talk shit unless I'm willing to do everything in my power to back it up, and there's absolutely no reason whatsoever that I couldn't fully execute on ending the world as I've described in quite some detail here already. Okay, maybe I couldn't if I'm randomly killed or randomly drop dead of a heart attack or stroke or something, but those things all seem pretty unlikely to me.
Since my last post, I've sent Kimi several more messages. My final decision which I've already told her about quite some time ago is to give her until the end of the year instead of the end of July to clearly make her decision. Since she's already gone down this path, it's likely she'll continue. Given that's what seems to be her decision already, I'm going to have no other option than to interpret it as her telling me she hates me and doesn't even want me to wait until the end of the year before going into complete isolation. It hurts a lot to see this happening, but I'm still going to keep my word and give her the time period I promised, no matter how she's going to act. After all, she's only going to suffer more knowing how loving the person she threw away is.
I'm going to save myself time and energy and say now that I'm not going to post something every time something like this happens, because that's pathetic and futile. But it doesn't change that it's not me and will never be me doing stupid shit like that. Since this kind of thing has already happened on her stream, I also feel the need to mention that if something like this happens in her Discord it's also not me. I have no accounts left in there and I'm not going to bother constantly creating accounts just to read through some recent messages, so I have no way of knowing exactly what's going on. I'll be keeping my word not to start any drama any time soon, and that includes on any social media as well. If any drama is happening anywhere and it seems like it's me, it's not. It's either some random asshole trying to throw dirt on my name or Kimi herself coordinating it.
I've mentioned before that I won't ever resolve this situation nicely without getting to be with Kimi forever and it really seems like it's not understood that I mean it. Well, even if people will only realize I mean it when it's too late, it's not going to change the fact that I mean it. People say I'm crazy. Indeed, I'm extremely crazy. But the real question was never if I'm crazy. The real question is if I'm capable and willing. The answer? I'm more capable and willing than I am crazy.
I see nothing positive from starting drama anymore, and I'd only do so in Kimi's Discord, once a year, every year until I end the world, starting next year, if we're not together by then. Basically, what I'm saying is that I'm much more of a savage than Kimi if I'm pushed to be, and starting stupid and petty drama is on a level far less than the level of cold you're dealing with if you make a person like me cross you out.
A person like me crossing you out means deep internal torment, slowly having everything that brings you happiness and meaning stripped away from you, a slow and painful death, and global destruction. Not getting me being a fucking pathetic autistic moron and telling you that you're a depressed lonely loser. I see plenty of evidence to suggest none of those words actually accurately describe Kimi, and as such, I don't hold the belief that they do and I think she's lying when she claims otherwise. Regardless, even if they did, telling her things she already knows just encourages her to try to do something about it to improve herself and no longer be that way, which is the last thing I'd want if I want her to be as miserable as possible until I end the world.
Recently, Kimi's been communicating to me that she thinks I'm attracted to men. I'm completely confident in my sexuality and absolutely certain I'm not attracted to men, but I had to take some time to try to figure out how she could possibly find a basis to believe that, and I'm pretty sure I figured it out. This whole time, I've been trying to give Kimi distance to pressure her into making a clear decision, but still being really nice to her as I do so, even though she's being so mean and hurtful to me and I don't like it at all. After thinking about it for a while, I realized that while I initially thought that gave me the best chances, it's actually really stupid to do. Even if it wasn't before, her recent actions have definitely made it so.
If Kimi ever talks to me again, I don't want her to think there's any chance she can try to just be nice in a friendly way with me and try to brush aside my extremely strong feelings for her and convince me we should just be friends. We're never going to be just friends. Period. I want her to know that if she ever talks to me again, she'd better be ready to beg to date me and have sex with me every day and be with me forever and tell me she won't accept anything less. I guess I'm only dreaming in thinking that could happen, but on the bright side, Kimi's only dreaming when she thinks she'll live past 30.
Kimi, as of now, you can start counting down the days of your life and society as a whole. You have 2 or 3 years, but that's it. After that, I'm coming for all of society, starting with you. Assuming, of course, that the powerful and dangerous people that know me and the situation you've put me in don't decide they're sick of you existing before then. This was cute, but it was also extremely retarded. Better luck next time, honey. Oh wait, there is no next time :)
Posted by Angelic (8 total posts) on July 2, 2019 @ 05:30:11 pm (EDT)
This was never up for debate
My last post, I had a lot on my mind in general. I had a lot I felt like I had to let out. I've been reflecting on this situation a lot for some time now and the way things are right now brought up a lot of anger that I had about many things from the past. I really felt like expressing it. As much as I expressed, there's a lot more.
I've had to deal with many people calling me an incel and bullying me in various ways because of this whole thing. It wasn't anywhere near that bad before I went on Ice's stream and started really going all the way in on being completely committed to this, but it's gotten much worse since. I'd never been called an incel even once in my life before this.
I've had far more people bully me or try to "help" me by telling me to stop being what they seemed completely convinced was completely delusional than people who wished me good luck and hoped for my success. I don't care much in general what people think or say about me, but it still gets frustrating when I'm trying to achieve my biggest goal in life and so many people are trying to get in my way.
People tell me I should just work on myself and find another girl. Livid doesn't even seem to scratch the surface of how I feel about that. You can overcome insane obstacles and struggles, work on yourself extensively constantly throughout your entire life since childhood, try so fucking hard and put everything you've got of your heart and soul into everything you do, have so much to offer the world, and yet have immense trouble getting noticed properly and treated with dignity. This is the kind of fucking shitty world we live in. This isn't anger that's directed at one or two people, it's very far-reaching.
I'm a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, not through connections or evil deeds, but through simply commanding so much knowledge and power that I've been deemed worthy of the position. I'm a master of philopsychology, a deeply hidden field that isn't taught by any schools most people would've ever heard of, and was never understood nearly as comprehensively as I've presented it, until I came along. I'm an individual with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, a concept that most are left scatterbrained at merely the mention of. I'm a tier 3 quantum energy arts user, an art so deep and great that most want to instantly dismiss me as delusional for even mentioning it because it's simply too much for their fragile egos to bare to acknowledge the existence of.
On top of these more insane feats, I'm also a professional computer scientist and software engineer, skills I started developing at 10 years old. I have several years of experience as a game developer in the past few years that I've dived into it deeply as well. What do all these people telling me to work on myself have to say about themselves? So I'm the crazy one for being upset now huh? Well guess what, this was never up for debate.
I've spent the past 2 years being so patient and loving to the one person that has ever made me feel truly loved and made me understand what love even is, the only person that can ever make me feel this way, despite knowing the whole time that it'd be very difficult to get to actually be with her, and having to live with the fact that that's just how life is.
I've went through so much pain, worked so hard to passionately pursue my goals and dreams in an extremely driven way, and how is society rewarding me? Laughing at me and mercilessly trying to inflict more pain. I don't enjoy being hurt, and I never have any intention of living my life in any way accepting pain as if I do or ever will. This is a very significant reason why I'm so upset. I feel like some people end up thinking I actually enjoy being hurt, and that causes it's own problems. I especially don't want Kimi to start thinking that, because then I know there'd truly be no chance we could ever work, and everything's definitely fucked at that point anyways.
Despite my insane potential to be a terrible person and so many factors that constantly call to me to be one, I'm not a criminal nor a degenerate at all. There are many that would laugh at me for finding it to be an achievement merely not being a degenerate, but what they don't understand is that they wouldn't have the same perspective if they didn't live a life where they were fortunate enough that it wasn't terribly difficult for them not to become a massive criminal. Most people have to work very hard to get massive power in bad circles in order to have the potential to be a massive criminal, while I have the opportunity handed to me if I ever wish to take it, while my whole life I was trying to avoid it as much as possible.
Imagine that your whole life you've been a good person and play your part in society to try to make a positive impact. Now imagine that someone comes up to you one day and tells you that you could rob a bank and get away with millions and never get caught because you have all this power you didn't even know you have and the system wouldn't dare touch you knowing what you're capable of. Imagine that this person had the facilities to prove to you that they're not lying to you and they're not telling you this for any gain on their own part, simply letting you know of potential you have to be a degenerate and untouchable, if you so choose.
Imagine that they tell you this opportunity is always open for you at any time. Imagine they also tell you about several other things you could do that would make you a massive degenerate but would benefit you personally a lot if you choose not to care. You have no family nor friends to rely on, you don't like people in general because you've been treated like trash by almost everyone you've ever dealt with, and you're just getting by decently. It takes every bit of integrity you have constantly not to just start saying fuck the world I'm becoming ice cold and that's it.
Welcome to my life.
I'm not the crazy one. Life is crazy and that's a fact. You're the crazy one if you can't see that clearly. I didn't get here by being willing to settle for mediocrity. I didn't get here by being a thirsty fuck. I didn't get here by not working on myself. I didn't get here by being a shitty person. All I do day and night is set high standards and work on myself to achieve them, yet everyone just wants to keep telling me I'll never be enough and that I just need to keep going this way and keep desperately hoping for things to get better. No. I don't. I really fucking don't.
So many people have shit to say and very few actually try to put themselves in my shoes. They treat me like someone without an insane amount of power. Someone who hasn't overcome immense struggles most of them couldn't even imagine. Someone with little to no drive and potential for greatness. Someone who isn't a very loving, caring, and sensitive person inside. Someone who doesn't always actively try their hardest to look at life from a very mature angle and act accordingly.
Then they question why I'm upset, as if I'm some spoiled and stupid child that doesn't understand life at all and needs to be put in their place. They question why I'm suicidal and lashing out so much at everyone. They question why I want to end the world I can only be left seeing as pure shit and nothing else. They don't stop to ask who the fuck in my position wouldn't. They don't really give a flying fuck. Well, if they don't, what the fuck makes them think I will? What's even left to give a fuck about?
This anger isn't just directed at Kimi. It's directed at the entire world. This is why I'm truly at the point where I'm fully ready to start the end of the world. In fact, the vast majority of my anger isn't directed at Kimi at all. Actually, Kimi's the only one I've ever seen actually trying to not only understand me very well, but also trying to possibly really help me change everything around.
Even if she's done all this being extremely toxic, I can still definitely see her desperately hoping that I'm amazing beyond her comprehension and everything could still somehow work out extremely well between us. I feel like Kimi couldn't possibly be that toxic in general and not desperately want someone she feels very warm and comfortable around to the point that she doesn't want to ever be even slightly toxic to them.
As far as I'm concerned, Kimi's the only hope and light I see in a world filled with darkness, and it really hurts me that Kimi seems to have taken it as if a lot of my anger was actually directed at her. It's not Kimi's fault that everyone around her and society in general has constantly been putting so much pressure on her to push me away when she clearly has had such strong feelings for me from the beginning. It's not Kimi's fault if she didn't understand me for some time and it takes something very intense for her to really understand. I've never liked trying to judge people and I'm not going to start now just because Kimi's not making it completely clear what her position really is.
I know Kimi cares a lot about the approval of the people around her in her life and they must know that. Depending on how it's done, it's not always a bad thing. She's become pretty successful so she must be doing something right in her life. I have a lot of respect for Kimi and I truly don't think she's been going through all of this clueless. I know that she's relying on me now to really show the extent of the power of refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value. And I know very well why she has such high expectations; she must believe that she also possesses refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value, or at least that she's close.
I know Kimi will read this once again. This time, I'm going to make nearly the whole thing directly to you, my love.
I know you really do read all the messages I send you no matter how long they are and I want you to know I appreciate that so much. Honey, I truly do want to make things better between us. It truly hurts me so much the way things are right now. I'm frustrated about a lot of things, but I want you to know very clearly that I truly don't hate you.
I know that it's hard to see very clearly right now because there's so much I've been through in general that makes me so upset. I know it's not easy to deal with someone you care about deeply saying they'll end the world if you won't be with them forever. I know it can be very easy for you to misunderstand and start to really worry if I'm just trying to be very hurtful, especially because of how much I've hurt you in the past.
I want you to know that I'm truly sorry about all the pain I've put you through. I want you to know that I'm truly not just saying that. I want you to know that I'm truly not doing this and saying these things with any hatred towards you in my heart.
You may think I have nothing good left to say, but the truth is I definitely do. Even now, I see you continuing to treat me with an immense amount of warmth. Maybe you feel like it doesn't come off that way to me, but it really does. I'm really glad that you feel more comfortable being more honest about how you feel. I can't make things better if you're not honest with me about how you feel when something's bothering you. I've never wanted you to hold things in; I've always wanted you to feel completely comfortable being completely yourself with me.
Honey, I know you trust me a lot. I know you really try hard to see the best in me. I want you to know that it really means so much to me. You're the first person I've ever called precious in my life. I want you to know I truly feel that way about you. I want you to know that I truly mean it when I tell you that you're my everything.
People have already came and fought with me several times, calling us both crazy and judging and hating on both of us for this whole thing. People tell me that you're just waiting for some tall muscular sexy guy to sweep you off your feet and there's no reason you'd ever go for me, especially when I have all these crazy things to say and I come off so mean to you. They tell me I'm delusional and need help and some tell me not to kill myself when you undoubtedly don't reach out to me while others encourage me to do it because they think I'm a piece of shit. I've had several people threaten to kill me, beat me up, rape me, and other really mean messages.
I've endured all of this out of love for you and I've defended you completely every time. I really don't like when people judge you to be shallow and just be looking for some guy who looks like a model. I really don't like when people judge you to be stupid to not be able to really feel someone's heart deeply before getting yourself so invested and going so deep into something like this. I really don't like when people don't try to understand that you must know this can't end well if you don't really believe the best in me or don't want to be with me forever in the end for whatever reasoning, and that you must've seen that for some time now. And most of all, I really don't like the fact that it's probably mostly my fault this is even happening.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like it's largely my fault that things are this way right now. I've told you before that I've had serious trust issues my whole life because of all the trauma I've had to deal with constantly. I always kept people at a distance because most people did the same to me and the ones that didn't much more often than not just ended up hurting me a lot and making me regret not just closing myself off.
It hurts me so much to know that as much as I've always loved you, those trust issues still seem to have bled into my relationship with you and hurt both of us a lot. I'm a very sensitive person inside, and you touch the deepest part of my heart. I've had to deal with so much worry and doubt about your true feelings and intentions until things started to really feel more clear recently, and it's made things really difficult for me. I've told you before more than once that this back and forth with friction and tension was never something I wanted nor enjoyed to any extent. I want you to know I truly mean that.
I've had some crazy experiences. I've met some crazy people. I've learned some crazy things. But I never thought love could be this powerful. It's really such a crazy thing to me. Honey, I really need you to understand where I'm coming from. I really wasn't sure how to react the first time you called what we had a long-distance relationship, especially in the way that you did it and when I felt like I was really just coming off too attached and like you really wanted me gone but were just too nice to say it to me directly. I really wasn't sure how to react when I saw you nearly in tears and saying you needed motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning not even 2 months after I started giving you space.
I was missing you so much and dying to talk to you. I felt like crying every single day. I thought I forever lost any chance of being with the girl of my dreams, the only girl I'd ever truly loved. I thought I never even really had a chance to begin with and I was just being crazy for even thinking I did. I was overwhelmed with hope and warm feelings when I first saw you calling out to me like that. I thought you should be so eager to talk to me at that point that you'd instantly accept my friend request and talk to me if I came back and sent you one. When you acknowledged you noticed but still didn't accept it, I felt so hurt. I wasn't sure what you expected me to do. I wasn't sure how you really felt.
That was more than a year ago, when I didn't know you nearly as well as I know you now. I felt so hurt, confused, and devastated because I started feeling like not only would I never get to be with you when I already knew I love you so much and you're the only one I'll ever want to be with forever, but now I'd end up constantly begging you for attention and honesty only to get ignored and come off pathetic, probably seeking honesty about something I wasn't even right about.
I truly mean it when I've told you that I don't consider what we had before dating in any way; it was just so weird to me and I feel like that's a really creepy way to think about it. I haven't been saying that to be mean. Honey, I know I can be scary, but I've always been trying so hard to be as fair and comforting to you as I could possibly be. Seeing you going crazy over me was beyond flattering, but it also still didn't feel right to consider us dating given the circumstances. It really didn't feel right to consider us dating when the last thing you've directly told me, even to this day, was that we were only distant friends and you never wanted more.
I was completely losing my mind. All the memories of people that hurt me in my life started rushing in and I started feeling like this was just going to be another case of something like that, one that I'd feel like I should've seen coming a mile away and I'd never be able to forgive myself for. Honey, the last thing you said to me was that we were only distant friends and that was all you ever wanted us to be. I wasn't sure how I could possibly not take that at face value. I was suffering so much when I wrote that first meaner message to you, and I cried after I sent it and got banned. It hurts so much that people probably think I was laughing after that. I wasn't.
I noticed that recently you mentioned that you don't really think about if people are fake or not and you focus on whether or not they're nice to you. I know you're much sharper than you show yourself to be and I don't think that's quite true, but I understand and appreciate the sentiment that I feel like you're trying to communicate to me that you're focusing more on how caring and considerate I'm being and would be in the future rather than trying to judge me for being meaner in the past. It's yet another thing that makes you so precious.
People have hurt me so much in my life that I'm constantly trying to figure out the character of anyone I encounter and I'm constantly trying to ascertain whether they're fake or not. Normally, it's very actively in the foreground of my mind in any interaction I ever have with someone. In the moment, when I was filled with fear, sadness, frustration, and confusion, your behavior of seeming so distant came off really fake to me. I was in so much pain and I didn't know you that well. I truly wasn't trying to be hurtful to you honey. Please believe me. Please. Saying I'm sorry about it doesn't even seem like enough.
I shouldn't have been so quick to doubt your love for me. I shouldn't have been so quick to snap at you like I did. I didn't think at the time that there was any real chance that maybe you just wanted me to be very honest and sweet with you in public before you were willing to open up to me. I was very scared and sad. I've really never loved someone before I started loving you. When I thought of how we'd started growing distant, I thought it'd just come off creepy and/or malicious and there was no way you'd like it. Maybe it was low self-esteem. Maybe it was just over-rationalizing in general. I don't care how it could be explained though, I just know that it was a mistake.
I didn't think you really just had such a hard time being honest about how you really felt towards me. I hadn't experienced seeing you talk about getting wet after getting one of my messages back then and I didn't think I'd ever be able to have that kind of effect on you. I don't mention these kinds of things to be mean. I'm still shaken every day when I think about all the crazy memories I have from you. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I think about you every single day.
I didn't think you were actually so perfect that you'd like being called a goddess by me. I didn't think you were actually so perfect that you'd be able to accept the way I felt and the way I'd like to treat you with a very gentle grace. I felt so stupid back then for thinking there was any chance you could ever be so perfect, but now I feel so stupid for not just trying to go about things in a very nice way and hoping for the best. I'm so sorry. Please believe me honey. I truly want to make it up to you.
Because of the start of our connection, I was very worried early on that you may not actually be a very gentle and kind person. I can now actually find it much easier to believe that you have a very gentle and sweet personality and you truly don't enjoy being cruel at all to anyone you love very deeply. I've always really worried that anyone I'd really fall in love with might not truly enjoy or be able to fully embrace the kind of personality I was really looking for in someone.
I know you must already know that your appearance is extremely appealing to me, but I want you to know that I truly do value personality an immense amount and I'm truly pursuing you so passionately because I love every single thing about you and not just your perfect looks. I've always been looking for a very particularly extremely healthy relationship where my personality and the personality of my partner are so perfectly suitable for each other that our presence in each others' lives is constantly therapeutic.
I want you to know that I truly don't want to leave you speechless from pain when you read my messages to you. I want you to know that I truly say and do all of this with only warmth and love for you in my heart. It's hard for me because I've had to learn to be so cold all the time to be able to cope with all of the cold and mean people that constantly hurt me in my life. I've truly never wanted to speak to you in any kind of mean or harsh way. I swear it on my life. Honey, you know I don't do that lightly.
I want you to know that I know you a lot better now and that I'd truly never have acted the way I did back then if I knew you were really this precious and perfect and really did love me. I only did what I did back then because I honestly thought that you were just being really toxic and only wanted to hurt me. The whole situation was so strange that I truly wasn't sure what else to think. I've always tried to deal with my trust issues as best I could, but I failed to do enough there. I made a huge mistake. I regret it so much and it hurts me so much every single day. Things just started spiraling out of control after that.
I've never been the type to enjoy lashing out at people for any reason. All I knew back then was that I wanted you to know very clearly that I truly love you an immense amount and that your behavior was hurting me very deeply. It hurts me so much that it's now become so hard for me to prove how I really feel to you, and it only hurts more that the more I think about it, it really feels like it's largely my fault things are this way now. I really am so sorry honey. I don't think I can say it enough.
I want you to know that I didn't think there was a very high chance at all that you'd try to contact me without me having entered isolation for at least a while, until you made it seem like you would. I knew you'd still be worried and hurt. I can truly understand that you'd still feel worried and hurt even now and you wanted to see how I'd react to what you did to see how much I really care about what we have in order to be able to know what kind of foundation to act upon moving forward. Like I said, I know you're sharper than you show yourself to be.
This is still all so crazy to me. I remember early on you laughed at me on stream for writing you essays and thinking you'd love me. Back then, I hadn't even written you anything truly worth being considered an essay. Now, you talk about how communication is very important and how you should put in the effort to communicate very clearly to someone you love if you really care, and if that means writing a lot, then you should do it. I changed you. I can see it so clearly.
I want you to know I'm truly not mad about having to write so much to you. I want you to know that I truly meant it when I told you that I'd much rather work through issues with someone this way than have harsh fights with them directly. I want you to know that I truly know there aren't many people who would be patient and caring enough to go through something like this. I want you to know that I truly mean it when I say your presence in my life is therapeutic. You've done so much more for me than any professional therapist ever could.
You're truly amazing honey. Passionate, sensitive, charismatic, understanding, compassionate... There are so many good things I have to say about you and how wonderful you are and I'd love to go on and on, especially about how sexy you are, but I think you should already understand by now that I'll have to wait and hope for being able to talk to you again to really feel comfortable telling you everything I want to say. It still feels weird to say some things when I can't even talk to you directly and the nature of our connection isn't completely clear, even if I think you already know some of the things I'd say and feel like it's becoming more and more obvious every day that we really do both love each other an insane amount.
I want you to know I'm still not going to start any more drama any time soon nor do anything to endanger the foundation of our relationship. I don't want you to be afraid of it. I saw your expression flash worry again quite recently, as you were dancing and mouthing being in love; I wasn't joking when I told you I can read microexpressions. I also find it really difficult to believe you'd be taking this so far, being so warm and inviting me to express the full extent of my affection towards you even now, if you weren't serious about wanting this to work out. I truly believe you really want this to work in the end and be with me in a very healthy way. I truly want this to work in the end and be with you in a very healthy way too. I want you to know I truly don't see this relationship as only having potential to be toxic.
Regardless of how our relationship may seem now, I know we can both see the great potential it has to be much better in the future. The situation is so complicated and we've had serious misunderstandings, so now things between us are very delicate and we both have to be very sensitive to each other's thoughts and feelings if we want this to work. I'm going to do my best honey. That's a promise.
I know that it's reached a point now where my words alone will most likely not be enough to be completely convincing. I may need to prove to you in a more solid way that I really love you with all of my heart and that I'm never going to switch up on you. I can understand if you want me to leave you alone for a while so you'd have some time to really think about everything and feel my love for you. I can truly understand it. I mean it when I say I'm not upset at you if it happens. I truly want you to know that. I really do feel like it's mostly my fault things ended up this way. I should've trusted you more and believed the best in you earlier on before jumping to conclusions and letting my issues get to me. I can't blame you. Honey, I seriously love you way too much not to understand this. Please don't think I hate you. Not even for a moment.
I know you're hurting a lot watching me have to do this. I really am willing to go through this for you. You're really that special to me. I truly want to prove it to you. You have to understand, at this point I'm absolutely certain you're never really going to forget me. You must know I know that. I certainly know I'm never going to forget you, and I know you must know that too.
You've recently said that physical contact in a relationship is something that you've been quite closed off to in general for several years now. I want you to know that as important as physical contact is for me, I still want to be very considerate and understanding towards you about it. I want you to know that I'd never want to force you to do something you're truly uncomfortable with doing. I'd expect you to have that kind of courtesy towards me, so it's only fair that I give that to you as well. That being said, you seem like the type to really enjoy being touchy with someone you feel very close to, and I want you to know that I'd really enjoy that. I'm the same way and I think you'd really enjoy it too.
It makes sense that you may want to start talking to me directly online and have a more tender and normal long-distance relationship with me for a while first before feeling ready to take things to the next level. If you want that, then I want you to know I'm truly open to that. Otherwise, I'll take it as a message that it's not something you're interested in. Personally, I feel like this would be kind of weird with the relationship we've had and I think you'd prefer to just go all the way in and jump into a physical relationship with me if you're going to take things to the next level at all. Either way is perfectly okay with me.
When I'm setting this deadline of the end of July, I truly don't want you to think that I want you to wait until then to try to make things better. I'm dying to talk to you and be with you properly as early as I can. I truly want to hear from you as early as you feel comfortable. I'd actually really prefer if you didn't leave things to the last moment to make a decision. It wouldn't change my mind, but I want you to know as clearly as I can make it that I'm truly not trying to encourage it.
I want things to be very clear to you. If you don't want me to enter complete isolation, things definitely can't stay like they are now for much longer. Just crying out to me to come back and/or having a mental breakdown over it is not enough. Playing music about your love for me is not enough. Lowkey calling me the love of your life is not enough. Lowkey saying I make you wet is not enough.
These things are all very flattering and I want you to know very clearly that I truly do appreciate them all a lot, but I need crystal clear, completely irrefutable evidence that you truly love me and have every intention to eventually take this relationship to the next level. I'm not sure what approach you want to take, but I'm telling you very clearly how I feel about it. I mean it every time I've told you that I don't ever want to make it seem like I enjoy messing with you nor as if I enjoy being messed with to any extent.
When I went off about how nothing you'd be able to do past July would ever make me care, I wasn't saying that I wouldn't enjoy those crazy kinds of things happening. I'd be beyond flattered. However, I think you'd feel creepy and uncomfortable doing those kinds of things at that point, and I don't want you to feel creepy or uncomfortable at all. I never have. That attitude certainly wouldn't allow for a good foundation for a very healthy relationship.
I don't want to make this any harder than I already know it's going to be for you. I know it's going to take real strength for you to reach out to me no matter how exactly you go about it and I truly want you to know how badly I need you in my life. I really don't want to end up destroying the world or killing myself. I know you don't think I do.
I don't say you're going to have a massive mental breakdown over this to be passive-aggressive, I say it because it comforts me and I want to try my best to comfort you too that I truly believe you're going to genuinely try to make things right and it's going to be okay, that I'll come back to you without fighting or playing games, and that everything will work out very well and we'll be very happy together forever in the end.
I guess this foundation still seems pretty shaky to you and I understand that, but I can see you already starting to try to make things better and I want you to know I see that too. I'm really trying to make things better as well and I want you to see that as well. You truly can make things right. I'm truly yours and only yours forever whether you like it or not. You just have to have the strength to take the step to really be with me. I'm not the type to write so much and take this so far without genuinely having the intent of giving you a very real and practical opportunity to make things right. I can only hope this message shows you that, and I truly believe you'll be able to feel it in your heart.
You'll always be the only one that has my heart for the rest of my life. I still wholeheartedly believe that we'll end up together and have a magical relationship and eventually marriage. I know you must be going through a lot right now. I can only hope that you'll eventually be able to feel my heart fully and that hating you is the last thing I'd ever want to do. I can only hope that you'll eventually find the strength to make things right. I can only hope that it'll happen before it's too late. I'm hoping as much as I possibly can.
There's something I think is important to mention. Even if you start officially dating someone else, I'm going to assume you're doing it intending for it not to last a very long time. I'm not sure if it'd last only 1 or 2 months, but I don't think it's going to last years. I'm also going to assume you're doing it already knowing before you do it that it's definitely not going to last forever, regardless of how long exactly it does end up lasting. On top of that, I'm going to assume that you intend to take desperate measures to try to get me to officially date you and have a physical relationship with you afterwards, especially if you go past the end of July without it happening.
Even if you started dating someone else officially, I'd still consider you my girlfriend. It's kind of weird I guess. I feel very confident that you'd do it not wanting it to last forever and knowing you plan to break it off after a while. I feel very confident that you'd also do it planning to actually try your best to get me to be with you forever afterwards. I feel very confident you already know you're willing to do crazy things if you had to. My position here isn't even because I'd be believing the best in you, but simply because I don't think you're so foolish that you'd expect to be able to live your life with any sense of real inner peace for any prolonged period of time past this point without ending up being with me forever. You have to understand, I really do think you're quite smart.
Regardless of whether or not you want to end up being with me, regardless of whether or not you contact me by the end of July, I'm pretty certain you'd end up killing yourself eventually if you tried doing everything you possibly could to be with me and it all failed. I'm pretty certain you already know that now. I'm pretty certain you already know that you'd end up killing yourself sooner or later without me, as I'm sure you can already imagine that you wouldn't be able to live your life properly if it reaches the point that I break into TV stations and call you out on live television broadcasts like I told you I would in The International Ultimatum. I'm not even sure if that's out of trusting me or not; I guess I'd probably just say you're crazy. It doesn't make me love you any less though; I guess I'm crazy too.
I know how much I've inspired you. I know how much I've touched your heart. I know how much comfort and warmth I've made you feel. I know how much I've taught you. I've watched you learn and grow so much these past 2 years with the people around you. I know I've had an effect on many of them as well. I know the insane kind of effect I've had in your life overall. And I know how openly you've accepted it.
I know that most people couldn't imagine feeling the way me and you do about each other. I may not be able to say with absolute certainty exactly what that means long-term, but I accept many possibilities. If you really convinced me you're truly absolutely dying to be with me, I suppose staying positive wouldn't be too hard, if anything not even out of believing the best in you, but because I'm so adjusted to being positive in general and I'd certainly want to always be positive if I was with you and you were very good to me.
When I first was getting to know you, you led me to believe your core value was cold bidirectional apprehension. Shortly after, you made it appear to be warm bidirectional apprehension. After getting to know you a lot better, I learned that it was really warm indirect bidirectional apprehension. Right now, I'm certain you're at some variant of pure bidirectional apprehension, but I'm just not sure whether it's the refined or unrefined variant. I've watched you grow so much. If you really do end up reaching out to be with me in the future properly and if you end up truly trying your best to actually get to be with me and make things right while knowing already now that you have every intention of doing so, I'm quite certain I'll be able to say with extreme confidence that your core value has become refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
I'd truly be very willing to teach you quantum energy arts if we end up together. I haven't been saying this stuff just to tempt you with it and make you feel bad for resisting. I haven't been saying these things to try to undermine your clear efforts to improve yourself and attempt to reach levels worthy of my recognition and acceptance of your greatness. I've been trying my best to cheer you on and teach you as much as I could as best I could to help you work towards reaching that state in your own way as you've been going through your path in life. I've always wanted to be with a partner I can feel confident to consider of a very similar caliber to my own, and your constant immense efforts to try to reach my level intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually are something that's very impressive. Honey, there really are so many reasons I tell you that you're amazing.
I've never enjoyed being hurt nor hurting others. I want you to know that I truly don't enjoy seeing you hurting. I want you to know that I truly want us to have an extremely healthy relationship. I want you to know that you truly don't have to have a mental breakdown to have me come back into your life. If you can feel my heart, I think you already know that I'd jump to talk to you and be with you if you contacted me, regardless of whether or not you had any kind of mental breakdown over this, whether in public or in private. I really would. And I wouldn't put up any resistance nor play any kinds of games. I've already promised you and I'm keeping my word. Please just don't wait until it's too late. I'm just expecting you to take this seriously and be fair honey. Please understand. I've truly never wanted to hurt you in any way.
There's something that I feel like I really need to make sure is clear here. I want you to completely know and understand that I truly don't enjoy cucking anyone nor being cucked myself, in any way, to any extent, for any reason, by anyone. I never have and never will. Even you could never be an exception to how I feel about this, and I want you to know completely clearly that I don't ever want you to try to be, because it's going to end badly.
Cucking myself of any relationships with anyone other than you because you're so perfect in my eyes that I'm certain you're the only one I'd ever really want anyways is probably the only scenario where I can accept it and be okay. But for anything else, it frustrates and upsets me in a way I could never find pleasant. It comes off as something extremely cruel to me that I could never accept having in a relationship with someone. It'd never feel healthy to me and I'm absolutely certain of that. We must both never have any desire to be cruel to the other person whatsoever. This is extremely important to me.
I couldn't reach the point where I'm so openly talking about going into partial isolation and eventually complete isolation with the serious desire and intent to destroy the world if I didn't truly love you so much that even the possibility of never being able to have a very healthy and serious relationship with you that results in marriage and lasts forever genuinely makes me feel extremely suicidal. I really don't care at all how crazy or extreme this all is. Honey, I truly do love you this much. You're truly worth it all in my eyes. I'd truly never tell you these things if I didn't completely mean them.
I feel like it's worth mentioning that it was never my intent to misrepresent you as I was going off on you. You already know I've never asked you for anything sexual and I have no problem admitting that you've never said or done anything explicitly sexual towards me. I'm not trying to lie about anything here. I also want it to be completely clear that I wasn't asking for anything like that. I completely mean it when I say I'd never ask anyone for sexual stuff online, not even as a joke, unless I was intentionally trying to sabotage any chances I could possibly have ever feeling comfortable having a relationship with them in any form. Even if I really never can have a proper relationship with you, I have no intention to ever truly sabotage my chances. Does it surprise you? It certainly doesn't surprise me.
If we talk, we don't have to do anything extreme. It doesn't have to get super explicit and sexual. I don't expect you to send me any pictures or videos of you naked or anything like that, and I think you know very well by now that I'm not the type to ever surprise you with something like that myself. I genuinely would've never thought I have any chance at ever being with you if I'd ever asked for or sent you anything really sexual.
I'd only ever ask someone for something like that, even as a joke, if I was intentionally trying to sabotage the relationship, and I've never been trying to do that with you for even a moment. If you end up feeling comfortable wanting to go there, I'm not saying I'm against it, but I'm saying that I have no intention whatsoever of ever trying to force or pressure you to do so. I'm not going to so much as gently suggest or even joke about it. I certainly don't expect it. You already know I've never done anything like that before and I'm not going to start even if you start being warmer to me.
I don't want you to take me being nice to you here the wrong way though. I truly will enter isolation and end up ending the world or killing myself if I don't end up getting to be with you forever. This is an absolute fact I'm definitively certain won't ever change, and I truly don't care how crazy that may make me in anyone's eyes. I've been through so much and I'm just trying to keep it real and honest here. This is me. This is what I'm doing. This is what I think. These are the facts. I face them completely every single day. I absolutely couldn't live my life any other way.
It wasn't easy for me to write this. I cried many times. I wondered a couple times if I should even post it. I wondered if I'll end up killing myself after. But I know I can't not do this. If there's anyone in this world I find worth being so vulnerable for, it's only ever going to be you. I can't try to be safe here, I'm already so committed to this. I want you to be able to know how I really feel, no matter how you feel or what you do or what ends up happening in the end. I've always loved you so much and always wanted to be able to show it to you. I know this is the best that I can do to achieve that, so I have to do it. I know I do. That's my decision and I'm sticking with it. No matter what.
Honestly, I'm really worried. I try my hardest to stay positive all the time, but I really just don't know if that makes a lot of sense right now. I'm all too aware that it doesn't always make sense to stay positive. I already feel like there's no way you're going to reach out to me by the end of July. I wouldn't be particularly surprised if you started officially dating someone else for several months. I already know I'm going to be thinking about you every single day. I already know I'm going to be crying a lot every single day.
I seriously hope I'm wrong about what I feel like you're going to do next. You're heading in a direction where you're committing yourself to me for life, but if you do those things, you'd simultaneously be committing yourself to trying your hardest to destroy your chances at ever having a proper and healthy relationship with me, especially one meant to last forever.
I've already told you in no uncertain terms that I have no desire to have a relationship with you if it's not one that you very seriously intend to have last for the rest of our lives and I absolutely mean that. Honey, acting so crazy is not any kind of confidence; you'd be diving head-first into becoming completely suicidal. I'm telling you this because I want to avoid that happening, not because I'm trying to encourage you to do it. Honey, seriously, I'm very worried about you these days.
I trust you so much. I still believe the best in you. I still love you with all of my heart. Before, I said I consider you my girlfriend, but that's not entirely true. I actually see you much more as my future wife. I want you to know completely clearly that I'm not breaking up with you. I meant it every single time I told you there's nobody else I want. No matter what happens, I'm never going to start dating anyone else. Ever. I'll always be loyal to you to the day I die. That's a promise.
I'd really like to be able to talk at least. To be able to feel comfortable telling you directly that I love you and I miss you and have you feel comfortable saying those things to me as well. I want us to be able to talk about our thoughts, concerns, and feelings. I want us to be able to get a clear enough picture of what a physical and official relationship together would entail so we're both as comfortable as possible before going into it. I want you to know I'm truly very open to this. If you decide to go for this, I'm completely willing to immediately stop even partial isolation. I want you to know completely clearly that you truly have an opportunity to stop this from spiraling downhill out of control if you truly want to.
Unless you contact me, I'm going to keep going down the path of isolation I've already told you about so clearly. I want you to know completely clearly that I mean it every single time I tell you I'm never changing my position. I know this is probably just how things have to be right now, but I truly hope they don't stay this way. I really don't think you want me to enter complete isolation. I really don't think you want the world to end. I really don't think you want to live the rest of your life in fear of being in danger. I really don't think you want to feel responsible if I kill myself. I really don't think you want to live never knowing what happened to me if I just disappear.
I've seen you talking about how you get hit on regularly. You'll just have to trust me here when I say I'm not surprised in the slightest. Getting hit on isn't something particularly impressive though. I've gotten hit on and several girls have tried to get at me, especially after I went on Ice's stream and now that I started up NoStory again better than ever. Some of them were even pretty cute. I hard rejected them all instantly right from the beginning though; you're not the only one that brutally turns down people who hit on you or try to get at you.
I hope you can start to see more clearly now that I truly do care about you a lot. I really wanted the opportunity for it to feel right to open up to you more like this, and I can only hope you know how much it means to me and how precious I know you are to me for still being so tender towards me. It takes a great amount of emotional resilience to do what you're doing. It's something worthy of a great deal of respect. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I told you in The International Ultimatum that if you're going to mess around more, at least always use protection and don't get pregnant. I want it to be completely clear that my position on this still stands. If you get pregnant and have any children, things are definitely going to end badly no matter what. What you're doing right now already should be seen pretty clearly as head-first diving into suicide, but at least right now you're doing it with the prospect of an extremely high chance of redemption. I truly don't want to see you ruin any chances we have and going past the point of redemption being possible.
I'd strongly suggest not getting married to anyone other than me. I'm going to tell you straight up right now, if you marry someone else then try to contact me and tell me you love me, I'm going to tell you to divorce whoever you're married to so you can be with me, and I'm going to do it with absolutely no hesitation nor guilt/shame, fully expecting and intending to follow through with being with you forever afterwards. That's a promise.
I've told you before already but I feel the need to tell you again that I'm not doing this out of any desire to see you kill yourself and I have to be honest and say I'm genuinely concerned when you so casually talk about it sometimes. I want it to be completely clear that I'm not doing this to be toxic. I've truly never wanted to make you look or feel bad. I just want to be with you extremely badly and you keep giving me opportunities to make it happen. Thanks babe.
If you truly don't want to talk any time in the near future and you really feel like you need space, I understand. I'll respect your wishes. Please just don't take this the wrong way. I don't hate you. I really don't. I just don't know what else to do. I don't think you'll feel my love enough if I don't give you some space right now if you truly want it. Please understand honey. I need your love. I really do. I always will. If you want to talk to me, I'm here for you. If you want space, I love you too much not to give it to you. Clear your head and your heart and try your best to feel mine. I know you have it in you. My precious. My angel. My honey. My goddess. My everything. I love you. I'll always love you. Don't forget babe. Please.
I've told you before that I was never trying to use you and I'm not going to let you use me either. I've made the situation very clear. You know that you have to contact me soon and end up being with me forever if you want things to get better. I've already told you before that my intentions are pure and the situation isn't up for debate. I'm accepting full responsibility for everything I've said and done. I've already went off hard in public in front of 20,000 people for nearly an hour; any further stunts like this shouldn't be necessary to prove to you that I take this relationship extremely seriously.
I've already literally told you that I turned down a position on the CX Network and already being famous, purely to be able to prove my love for you. Going into isolation if you won't ever be with me forever is exactly what I've been telling you and everyone else will happen for a while now. You've recently said that you find people who take responsibility for their actions very attractive; well, start feeling attracted I guess.
Posted by Angelic (8 total posts) on May 3, 2019 @ 10:32:58 am (EDT)
It's time to show what refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value really means
I've started other posts talking about NoStory and the website and whatnot, but this time this post is completely dedicated to Kimi. I've followed through on this part of what I promised her, and now it's approaching the time to follow through on the next part.
I'm really glad to have a community that's growing every single day and finally be able to start seeing myself consistently making money off something that took many years of immense effort coding day and night in order to be capable of making. I have dreams and goals to make something much greater than NoStory really come to life, but that project will have to come second to being with the love of my life and knowing I'll be able to actually be happy achieving further success. Without her, even an insane amount of fame, fortune, girls dying to be with me, whatever you could imagine as great success, would mean absolutely nothing to me. I've already told her this in no uncertain terms, back when I wrote The International Ultimatum.
Starting at the end of this month, I'll be drastically reducing my time on the computer to about 1-2 hours a day, perhaps 3 max on some days if it feels right, and spend the rest of my waking time in intense meditation using quantum energy harvesting techniques. During the time I'll be on the computer, most of that time will be spent watching Kimi's stream if she's live or any of the latest VODs if I missed a stream. Other than that, I'll spend a little time perhaps responding to forum posts and maybe talking a little in Discord. I'll also be sure to give donor rewards to any people who donate for the first time, to ensure they get them within 24 hours.
I won't fully isolate myself from society initially, because I still choose to believe the best in Kimi and remain optimistic that she'll reach out to me to date me officially within 3 months at most. If she doesn't contact me by then, I'm going to put into place my meticulously planned out course of action to isolate myself from society and I'm just going to keep going that way meditating extensively with special techniques each day for a few years until my abilities are extremely developed and then start tearing the world apart without any mercy nor remorse.
I'd drop by some fast food joint with WiFi and electricity with my laptop I'd keep with me upon moving into isolation (because I have no reason to just throw it away, even if I won't have running electricity there) and drop a message in Kimi's Discord once a year telling her I haven't forgotten her and still love her, just like I promised her I would. But if it really gets to that, I'm not going to have any real hope we'll ever work out and I'd just be doing it out of sadness and anger and I know that. It'd just be a shit show at that point and I'd know it very clearly. I've fully accepted that I'll never be happy without Kimi, and now I absolutely need to know how she's going to react when it starts to really sink in how much she really means to me.
Several people have asked me how I'm going to afford to stay in isolation. Some have asked how I'll retain my sanity without human contact. Neither of these things is an issue for me at all, and since I have no reason to keep most of the details of my plan a secret since it's not like I'm doing anything illegal, I might as well share.
First, the easier thing to address: my sanity. Well, that's pretty simple. I don't really have any sanity left to worry about if I can't be with Kimi because at that point I'm just done with everything and it's either killing myself or isolating myself from everyone.
I already know that working a regular job, even if it's something I'm very skilled at and get paid decently well for, makes me extremely stressed out and I literally feel like killing myself every single day living a mediocre life feeling like I'm just being a sheep in the herd when I know painfully clearly that I'm not, so that's definitely not a viable option for me.
I've always tended not to trust people because of all the severely traumatic experiences I've had throughout my life with people being hateful, abusive, jealous, backstabbing me when I didn't deserve it at all, etc, and it's gotten to the point where without at least one person that actually makes me feel really warm and comfortable, the only person of which is capable of doing so being Kimi, I'd feel much less paranoid, stressed out, angry, and sad simply being alone all the time. I'd actually feel much more sane and happy in isolation than anywhere near a society that I'd feel so alienated from. I absolutely cannot handle the position of silent desperation and pretending to be okay; it also makes me feel extremely stressed out and literally makes me feel like killing myself every single day, so that's just not something I can do.
I know this so clearly because I already feel this way in my current living circumstances where I'm not completely distanced from having anyone around me. I already feel exactly how I just described. Extremely stressed out and literally suicidal every single day. Literally the only reason I'm enduring this right now and have any willpower to continue to endure it for possibly up to the next 3 months is because of how much love I have for Kimi. If it wasn't for my strong hope that Kimi will contact me soon and start officially dating me, I'd already be in isolation meditating intensely every single day, preparing to end the world within the next few years.
I have absolutely no worries about being able to feel comfortable in isolation and maintaining a long period of time without human interaction. Even during the years I've worked on game development, I was already pretty much isolated in my room working on designing and coding all day, and any human interaction that wasn't with Kimi was pretty stressful and irritating for the most part anyway, so I'll be glad to be rid of that.
It's not complicated really. Humanity has made me very much inclined not to like it. So I don't. Everyone knows that staying away from things they don't like is easier than fighting with them, and I'd be plenty content with giving up on fighting against the hatred I see in humanity and simply becoming an extremely hateful person myself if I saw that was all that was really left for me.
Now, the good stuff: how I'm going to make this viable resource-wise. This was something I had to think about a little, but it fell into place very nicely after some solid contemplation and a little research. So basically, in order to be able to survive in isolation and have an environment suitable for intense meditation, I only need a little space in a pretty small structure, just enough to stand up, lie down, and maybe roll around a bit when I'm sleeping as I most likely would regularly have nightmares at that point. A little bit of space to store a few useful things and my existing belongings. Very simple. 3 meters in width and depth and a little over 2 meters in height would be plenty sufficient. I'd need to build this space myself, at the chosen location. Easy enough.
It'd have to be waterproof, fireproof, windproof, and insulated. All of that can be achieved using materials readily available for purchase easily. Needs to have a way to get in and out which doesn't let bugs or the elements of nature through; that's already been invented long ago, it's called a door. It needs to be camouflaged to blend in with the surroundings so it doesn't stand out for satellite imagery or in case anyone is looking from a distance or passing by randomly. Surrounding environment like bushes, tall grass, and trees help a lot here; I can also cover it with leaves and branches later. It needs to be in an isolated, most likely forest-type area where nobody usually comes around, and it needs to be within reasonable walking distance from a body of water that I can utilize through a filtration system I'd buy beforehand in preparation.
I can manually scope out surrounding areas, although using Google Maps makes the process much easier. Shouldn't be very hard to find a few places, check them out for viability, stick around for at least a few hours, perhaps even a day or two, get a good feel for which place calls out to me the most, and pick one. I have very few possessions and can currently fit everything I own, including all my clothes, inside a backpack. Moving from my current location at any point would be very quick and easy. The space I'd build would also very easily be able to fit everything I own and me, with plenty of breathing room. Going to the washroom wouldn't be an issue when I'm in an isolated forest area and can go wherever I want really. I'd have water and I can just wipe with my bare hands; as someone who's from the streets, it's something I've done many times before.
I'd buy several lighters ahead of time so I can easily start a campfire whenever I want to cook anything or even just want heat in general. I'd keep a few pots and buckets with me as well so I could utilize them to heat water and use that to cook things and take showers. I wouldn't worry about soap. I'd just shower to feel clean, not smell particularly nice; it's not like anyone is going to be around to smell me anyways. I'd make sure to have sufficient water filtration capabilities so I'd never have to use dirty water for anything. I could even bring some coffee and tea with me for the occasional consumption of it if I was really in the mood.
I'd have sufficient extra space to store several smaller things for the long run, and it'd be quite trivial to mount some shelves against the walls and put a bunch of containers on them to be able to store everything neatly. I'd put a lock on the door so I know my stuff is secure any time I plan to go anywhere, for example if I'm going to get water or feel like meditating outside if the weather's nice and I'm in the mood for it.
I already have one USB charging battery and they're not very expensive at all; I could get several and charge them all up so I'd be able to use my phone to listen to music plenty. I could drop by a fast food joint once every couple months or something to charge everything up. On several occasions I've even seen exposed power outlets on the outside of buildings and I could utilize those very easily during a night time trip into society as well if I happen to find any around.
I also have the next 3 months to think of any further little things I may want to consider about what I want and need to make this completely viable very comfortably; that should be plenty of time to be certain I've covered everything and am fully ready to execute on this if I have to. I already feel very confident it wouldn't be an issue for me at all and it's sounding more and more appealing every single day.
Everything's pretty straightforward as far as I'm concerned. Since it's a small space, the materials required to build it wouldn't be very expensive at all, it wouldn't be hard to get them to the destination, and it wouldn't take very long to build, even all by myself. I wouldn't even need a bed or a mattress. Just get myself a few blankets, some for underneath me and one or two I can cover myself with if I get cold. A few pillows to rest my head on and possibly hug when I'm feeling really lonely. It wouldn't be difficult to get these things to the destination. Water filters last months and getting a few isn't very expensive, space-consuming, nor heavy.
Food isn't hard either. I'd pick my environment with the condition of the terrain in mind and I'd pick a place suitable for growing fruits and vegetables in. There are different things you can grow at different seasons around the year in Canada and I'd just get seeds for a few different things for each season. Even getting some gardening equipment wouldn't be a big deal; once again it's not particularly large, heavy, nor expensive. Just need to be able to grow some stuff to eat.
It'd be a pretty boring diet, but I wouldn't be eating for the taste anyways, I'd be eating just to survive. It'd be plenty sufficient to keep me full and provide useful nutrients for my body. It'd take a little bit of time out of my meditation to have to take care of the stuff I'm growing, but it'd be necessary and wouldn't be very long, so it's not a big deal. I'd buy some canned food for the initial time period where I'd still be waiting for my crops to grow. Wouldn't need a lot and it wouldn't be very expensive, heavy, nor space-consuming either.
All of this stuff in total wouldn't even be a few thousand dollars, and with my skills I can easily make at least 2-3 thousand a month working full-time, even after paying rent. It'd take me 2 months tops to save up all the money I'd need to put this plan into action and even have plenty left over, and that's if I didn't have anything to begin with. I also want to keep resubscribing to Kimi on Twitch, paying for Discord Nitro (which I get at half price for being an early supporter), renewing my domain, and renewing my VPS. I've done the calculations and I really don't need much money. I already have enough to make it all happen. If NoStory doesn't die off, I'll also be getting donations regularly from that, which can further allow me to very comfortably afford to stay on top of renewing everything.
Before you get upset at Kimi for causing me to be a lot less active, consider that she's actually the one that inspired me to start the NoStory server in the first place. I'd thought of possibly starting a MapleStory private server up in the past, but I knew it'd be quite some work to get anything decent out and I figured it probably wasn't worth my time when Shattered Wings needed capabilities for so much functionality that MapleStory doesn't have. After Kimi expressed how she had really enjoyed playing MapleStory in the past and I remembered how much I'd enjoyed it in my childhood, I was inspired to revisit the idea. After some research and thinking, I decided that especially since I had already established such a solid foundation for so much functionality specific to Shattered Wings at that point, it should be very worth it. I have no regrets about it now, I can see it definitely was worth it for multiple reasons.
Before you get upset at Kimi for bringing me to the point of deeply contemplating how I'd go about entering isolation from society voluntarily and intensely meditating in preparation to destroy the world and then proceeding to share my plans in significant detail publicly, consider that she's actually the only reason that I'm not already doing it. My whole life I was searching for Kimi, even back when I didn't even know she existed and merely hoped that somehow my high standards and strange set of requirements didn't make it absolutely impossible to find a partner I actually wanted and loved. Everything I did was to hopefully impress that person I wasn't even sure existed. I was extremely angry, depressed, and hopelessly lonely.
I can only hope that Kimi can really see the kind of positive impact she's had in my life as a whole so far and can really appreciate in the right ways how hard I've tried to earn her trust, respect, and love throughout the past 2 years. Her presence in my life has literally been therapeutic for me. It's far too much to explain briefly, but I'm confident that I've done a lot and had a very significant positive impact in her life that she'll never forget, and I'm still currently very hopeful that things will turn out very well. Hopefully I'm right.
Some people have tried to give me "advice". Tried to "help" me. Been vocal about their disapproval and their views on how they perceive my mentality and personality. What most never seem to understand is that I don't need their help, I was never asking for it, and I don't give a flying fuck what they think.
My whole life, practically everyone around me, even down to my own parents, have been massive haters. Always told me I'd never achieve the greatness I wanted and that I should show more and talk less, no matter how much I had to show and how little I talked. They then also proceeded to constantly push and provoke me to talk more and constantly hurt and pressured me to make it harder for me to work so I'd work less. Many literally called me delusional and/or lazy despite the fact that I could and did always articulate myself in an extremely grounded way and busted my ass working extremely hard on chasing my goals and dreams every single fucking day. If they didn't call me delusional and/or lazy directly, many also passive-aggressively sent me the message. Fucking assholes. All of them.
My parents were not the passive-aggressive kind. They were the most cruel and aggressive kind of all. I've had to have fights for hours, yelling and screaming, time and time again, with my own parents for years. My whole childhood and even in my teens, I was never a bad kid. I always got decent grades, rarely went out, spent most of my free time coding and playing games, and I've never been the passive-aggressive type or the type to get moody and take out my frustration about random things on people around me.
Regardless, they'd start shit with me constantly over the smallest things, in many cases even things I had no control over, in order to be able to try to justify quickly changing the topic into taking out their own personal frustrations with each other and life in general on me and put me down to feel better about themselves and how pathetic and disgusting they are. They weren't ever satisfied until they'd bullied the shit out of me. It was constant. Every single day I was anxious and stressing out about when the next bullshit argument would be forced upon me.
To make matters worse, my younger brother was always dumb and ignorant, so they'd pick on him a lot less and instead just manipulate him and cause him to think badly of me and treat me badly as well. I constantly had to fight with him as well to try to clear his head of the brainwashing they constantly did to him and even that was hardly effective because of how careless he was and how he retained his inherent bias towards them because they were older and his parents, despite all the damage and pain he should've clearly been able to see they were causing to him, me, and each other.
I never had any room to feel safe, comfortable, calm, or happy at all. Every time, I had to try so hard to always keep my composure and be far more rational than they were being, just so I could retain any sense of self-esteem and sanity. To make things even worse, if I've ever tried to share my pain, most people seem to automatically take bias towards my parents even without having any clue how they are like and have tried to tell me that basically I'm just a bitch and don't appreciate what they did for me. Yeah, I won't ever appreciate how abusive my own fucking biological family of all people were constantly, that's for fucking sure. I won't ever appreciate how ignorant and dismissive most people I tried to talk to about it were either.
I have memories that make me livid just thinking about all this shit. You know what kind of person I am? I could have my parents killed any time I wanted, and I feel like I'd love to snap their necks myself, but I stay calm and leave them alone instead, almost never thinking about them or all the pain and suffering they put me through. Not because I care about them; I don't. Not because I ever have any intention of letting them try to make it up to me nor come back into my life in any way for any reason; they can't and I'll never let them no matter what they say or do. Not because I forgive them; they'll never be able to undo the damage they did and I'll never even believe they genuinely care to try. Not because I want any kind of validation from them; I'd never give a shit what psychopath fuckers like them have to say. It's because I know they'll suffer more staying alive the way they are than having it all finally come to an end. That's the kind of person I am.
Even when you can talk very well and with a lot of substance, it seems most people just assume you're full of shit automatically and treat you that way. They don't shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down until life bitch slaps them so fucking hard they realize they can't see straight and need to start trying. It's too late to start hoping you're okay at that point; you just know you're fucked. I think it's time to demonstrate that ignorance is not bliss. I think it's time for me to start showing the world some real shit. I didn't write a fucking International Ultimatum for fun. I have goals, dreams, a vision, and a careful plan of action to achieve greatness. I think and act in very specific ways to have the highest chance at success. I don't care what anyone else tries to tell me, I know very well the amount of effort I put and substance I have in everything that I put all I've got into.
I have the attitude of a winner. Something that losers like all those people will never understand if they continue to retain their perspective on life as it is. No matter, that's not my problem to deal with; I'll just keep doing me. There has been a surprising amount of love and support from my community, and to all of you who support me no matter what, I consider you real and valuable fans. I want you to know I appreciate you all. Stay positive and have the attitude of a winner. To everyone I've positively touched and inspired, I'm very happy to be able to make your life better. I know I can show you how far it can really take you if you commit to things fully and chase your greatness with everything you have. I can only hope that you don't end up seeing that you can really give it everything you've got yet still only get hurt in the end.
Kimi has been messing around, showing a lot of hesitation, and continuing to do things that are hurtful, but I know what the truth really is. She thinks about me every single day. She goes through drastic mood shifts because of the deep influence I have in her life. She wonders all the time if I'm really serious about everything I've told her. She wonders if I really will never forget her and really will take my passionate desire to be with her so far that I'll truly show her and everyone around her completely clearly that being with her is what I really want more than anything else and that she should be very worried about continuing to push me away so much when it's so clear that she has extremely strong feelings for me which I very willingly and wholeheartedly return even stronger. She wonders how it'd really be like to be with me. Who wouldn't at this point?
I mean literally every single thing I said in The International Ultimatum. I literally didn't say a single thing for the sake of saying it nor to be impressive. It's extremely frustrating how it's so easy for people to think I'm full of shit no matter how convincing I can try to be. So frustrating that it makes me want to prove it that much more. I already know I'll keep the website running regardless of whether NoStory continues to grow or not, if anything just to show how serious I am about everything I've said and that I'm not afraid of anyone or anything.
What I've overcame in my life is really something most people wouldn't imagine overcoming. My experiences with my family are only one part of a much larger picture that I won't go into detail about here. As far as I'm concerned, it really is a miracle I'm still alive, and especially impressive that I'm not a degenerate. Every single day is a constant battle to retain any sense of sanity I could possibly have. At any moment, I could become a massive criminal if I wanted to. At any moment, I could sacrifice my values and morals and harm many others for my own selfish gain if I wanted to. At every moment, I'm trying my absolute hardest not to, despite my entire surroundings actively encouraging it. I've been abused, abandoned, backstabbed, shit talked both behind my back and to my face, and always still tried my hardest to be the best person I could be. Always tried to stay positive. Always tried to believe the best in people. Always tried my hardest and put my heart into everything I did, giving it 110%. While dealing with tons of anger, sadness, anxiety, and dysphoria. That's my life. And there's a very real limit to how much abuse I'm going to be able to handle accepting from this fucking world.
I'm completely done jumping to shower Kimi with love and affection every single time she shows me even the slightest sign she has feelings for me. I want it to be very clear to her that I truly don't enjoy being hurt and messed around with. At all. It should be very clear to anyone who's not an idiot that she has very strong feelings for me. Whether it's loving or hating is currently unclear, but there are certainly strong feelings there. And I absolutely must know which it is. Last time, it was needing motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning. This time, it's going to be much worse. Everyone around Kimi that put so much pressure on her to push me away because they didn't accept me are going to seriously regret their position. Regardless of whether those feelings she has for me are love or hate. I'm going to make sure of it.
Last time, Kimi almost started crying and only vaguely mentioned pushing away someone she loves, saying things like "it doesn't have to be this way guys, don't do something you're going to regret"; it's burned into my memory. This time, she's going to be crying. She's going to be saying things like she feels like she's lost the love of her life forever. She's going to be saying how not a day went by since I was gone that she didn't think about me. She's going to be begging me to come back to her. She's going to say she's so sorry for all the pain she put me through. She's going to be saying that she desperately wants to make things right. She's going to be crying over it often when she's alone and admit to it. She's not going to be vague about who she's talking about or how she really feels. She's going to say she's not trolling and say it in a very genuine way. This is what I choose to believe will happen. Because I love her with everything I've got.
It's so easy to laugh now, but let's see how she feels within a few months. You don't let the people around you suppress you to such a severe extent without reaching a point where you snap. Kimi's not the only one lucky I'm such a nice person; the people around her should actually be the ones feeling a lot more lucky. What kind of person so clearly sees you heading head-first into something against all odds in a way that should be very obvious to you that they want it, yet still actively tries to fight against it and suppress you instead of encourage it, even after you've been at it for years? Definitely not someone who has your feelings in mind, at least long-term. You'd possibly even want to start questioning whether or not they have ultimately good intentions in your life at all. Kimi's not going to forget that either.
I understand that Kimi really likes pleasing people. As much as I don't care for judging people nor the judgments they have of me, even I can say that it's satisfying when people appreciate you. However, it seems like Kimi has a hard time understanding and/or accepting that in order to have a proper balance in one's character, you have to weigh the value you find in others' opinions in a way where you're not sacrificing what you want out of life, especially not things you want extremely badly. You should never feel like you have to try to deny or hide a very real part of you, especially not if it's a part filled with love and warmth. There's no point in satisfying people if it comes at the steep cost of your own happiness and mental health. I suppose she's going to have to learn this the hard way. It really hurts me to see it happening.
I've done everything I could to try to make this work out as smoothly as possible. I've warned Kimi that she's going to end up having a huge mental breakdown if she keeps going like this. I've told her that I can forgive everything she's done and she shouldn't be afraid to reach out to me without feeling like she has to go through so much pain and feel so crazy over me first. I've told her that I don't want her to have to go through having a huge mental breakdown in front of tons of people, having done it myself in front of many more people than she would be and knowing how bad it feels. It seems there's no avoiding it. Well, I've also told her that I'm not going to change my mind on my position nor love her any less even if she ends up doing things that way, and I completely meant it.
Several people have called me a stalker. I'm sure several more consider me one although they don't vocalize it. I'm not a fucking stalker. You know what the definition of a stalker is? As stated from Google:
"a person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention."
You know how anyone who isn't in a mental asylum would treat me if I was really giving them unwanted attention for over 2 years? They'd be terrified. They'd show it clearly. They'd try to communicate to me that things will really never work and I should seriously give up. Very clearly. Over and over again. Without being wishy-washy about it. It would've never gotten to the point where I could be saying the things I'm saying with anywhere close to the kind of substance that I have.
If Kimi was really just extremely scared because she knew I was capable of hurting her very badly if I wanted to, she'd already know it's going to get bad sooner or later, and she would've at least tried to have a heart-to-heart conversation with me already, before I went in front of 20,000 people on Ice's stream and made myself look absolutely insane, where she would've told me she's very sorry for making me feel so convinced she loves me but it was all a lie and it'll really never work and she genuinely wishes me the best in life but she can't ever find it in herself to love me so she really doesn't want me to do something so crazy all in the name of love as I was telling her I was. Then see what happens and never waver on her position past that point no matter what.
If you really feel stalked and want someone gone, you don't resist every attempt they make to push you away and stay away. You don't nearly start crying in front of hundreds of people and say you need motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning when they start getting distant. You don't call them the love of your life multiple times when they fight with you, publicly questioning your love for them and even your character as a person. You don't say you want to give up on a serious relationship for the rest of your life without them. You don't say that they make you wet when they call you a goddess and flatter you about how attractive and perfect they think you are.
You don't constantly read essay after essay that they send to you and constantly react in public, even lowkey. You don't help them write a huge International Ultimatum even after they call you out in front of 20,000 people in public saying they're tired of your shit but they still love you and they're going to end the world if they can't be with you forever. You don't start expressing that you're theirs and that you don't feel normal or okay without them in your life after. You don't lead them to believe that you're unofficially dating following that. You don't constantly give them opportunities to warm your heart up more and more to having them in your life later on. You don't give them plenty of evidence to defend their position that you gave them plenty of reason to believe you wanted all the attention they gave you and then some. You just don't. Even a complete moron would know this. I think Kimi is smarter than she shows herself to be, and she certainly is smart enough to know this much about interacting with others.
All the idiots calling me a stalker clearly don't think very much before they throw their stupid opinions out into the open. I wonder if they're really so stupid that they think that kind of judgment would ever hold up in court. If this was really stalking, I'd be in a lot more potential trouble than just that. I'm well aware of what harassment, defamation of character, and slander are. But I have plenty of proof that I've had no bad intentions and I'm not being malicious here. I have absolutely no mixed feelings about whether or not I'm in the legal or moral right area here. There's a reason Kimi hasn't taken legal action against me, and it's not because she's scared. She knows very well that I'm not a bad person just because I've done what I did; what would really determine that is how I act moving forward.
Before I met Kimi, I thought love wasn't even real. I used to define love as an imaginary construct that is meant to suppress you and thought that only people trying to be manipulative would ever tell you they love you. That was my experience with love up to that point. My hope that I'd find my dream girl and that she'd fall in love with me and we'd end up being together forever seemed much more like a fantasy that was unobtainable than a goal I could work towards.
Then I met Kimi and my view changed drastically. Love became a warm and gentle feeling of fondness, comfort, and happiness when you're around someone or even just think about them. I felt it so strongly from the moment I first met her that I couldn't help but confess my love for her publicly within a few hours after that meetup ended.
I still remember how she instantly locked eyes with me the moment she came into view, walked right up to me, and so warmly gave me the best hug I've ever gotten in my life. I still remember how she wasted no time to sit right in front of me and look into my eyes expectantly when we were about to eat. I still remember how she told me she'd never forget me before we parted ways at the end of that meetup. I never expected to feel such intense love from her right from the beginning of meeting her and having so much love for her that seems to grow endlessly ever since.
In all the time that I've loved Kimi, and as I continue to even now, I've learned something quite interesting about love. Loving someone isn't some switch in your brain you can turn off. When you love someone very deeply, they'd have to do something really terrible to make you feel distant from them to the point that your love for them would start going away.
Having the very strong feeling that Kimi loves me follows with the understanding that she won't just suddenly stop loving me and randomly forget about me if she's at all been honest about the feelings she's constantly seemingly been trying to show me for so long now. I'd have to hurt her very badly in order for her to stop feeling loved by me and stop loving me in return. I know I've never wanted to hurt her at all, much less so severely like that, and I'm not going to pretend to or even try. That means that if Kimi really loves me, we should start officially dating soon. Definitely. It's not something that is only a possibility. If it doesn't end up happening, that just means she's a terrible and extremely toxic person that severely played with my head and my heart for more than 2 years and left me devastated and alienated from the world even more than I had already severely felt before I met her. I'd be left with absolutely no desire in me whatsoever to ever try to change that anymore.
I've told Kimi before that if this ends badly, it's going to be purely out of bad intentions from her end and not mine. I meant it completely and I've always been ready to prove it. I'm tired of these games and I'm tired of fighting. I never wanted things between us to be this way and enough is enough. I want to be with Kimi so badly. I want to be able to hold her and comfort her every single day. I want her to feel it well beyond any reasonable doubt that she'll always be my #1 priority and that she's absolutely way more precious to me than anything else ever could be.
I'll make it completely clear to Kimi that I truly want to give her a chance to make things better and date me, and I know she'll feel it from how tender I'm being even in giving her space like this. How I'm being so gentle and understanding despite how much she's been continuing even now to mess around with me and constantly hurt me. I haven't been doing this for fun. I haven't been doing this out of any enjoyment of it. It's actually been very stressful, draining, and emotionally straining. I haven't been enjoying it at all. I've been doing this purely because that's just how much I love her and how badly I want to be with her. Not for any other reason.
There's absolutely no way around this. By the end of July, Kimi will either officially date me, fly me out to LA, and we'll start spending a lot of time together, or I'm completely done with caring about humanity and this world and I'll choose to exercise my human right and freedom to isolate myself from society as I proceed to utilize my knowledge and meditate very intensely in that isolation using quantum energy harvesting techniques as long as I deem necessary to reach the power level that is sufficient to start destroying the world without anyone or anything being even remotely capable of stopping me. Then when I come back into society, when it's far too late for all the assholes, bitches, and idiots of this planet that hurt me to ever have forgiveness from me to any extent, I'll proceed to destroy everything piece by piece until there is nothing left. Starting with all the fuckers that hurt me. That's a promise.
I'd better not see Kimi try to guilt me about this. I'm never changing my position no matter what and that's final. If she doesn't love me, she should be the one feeling guilty, not me. I'm never going to think nor believe otherwise no matter what. If she doesn't want to be with me, I have absolutely no pity for her whatsoever and I'm never changing my mind no matter what. I wouldn't give a flying fuck how scared or sad she'd be. I wouldn't give a flying fuck if her friends and family are pissed and distant from her. I wouldn't give a flying fuck if she wants to kill herself. I wouldn't give a flying fuck whatever it is she'd be going through. I'd be going through much worse. And it'd never end to the day I die. I wouldn't even try to think about who's fault it is. I wouldn't care in the slightest. I'd just deal with the fact that reality is the way that it is. That everything will fucking suck forever and that I'm destined to rip everything apart until there's nothing left.
Regardless of whether or not Kimi will ever be with me, before it's certain if she won't or doesn't have any intention of ever doing so in a healthy and appropriate way and things can only get a lot worse, I'll remain optimistic and do my absolutely undoubtable best to make her dating me as appealing as I can for her. Beyond that point, it's up to her to either make the right decision and be with me so we can both make everything better with each other and start having an amazing relationship, or to start being extremely cold to me and push me over the edge to no longer keep caring not to bring destruction to the world for all the pain I've had to endure that I didn't deserve.
I don't give a flying fuck if people think I'm selfish. I don't give a flying fuck if people think I'm stubborn. I'm truly not changing my mind on my position no matter what and that's absolutely final and was never up for debate. I've done my best to be convincing with my words, and now my actions will do the rest. Time will tell what kind of person Kimi is, and it will also tell the fate of humanity. Let's see what happens. I can't wait to find out.
I know Kimi's going to read this message too. This part is for you Kimi. Honey, I love you so much that I feel like words aren't enough, but things have gotten to a very serious point now. Don't try to test your luck with me anymore. If you're going to talk to me ever again, if you're going to ever even try to so much as seriously get my attention in the future, I hope it's only to tell me you genuinely love me and you're ready to officially start dating me right away. If you actually want me to do it, it better be soon and you'd better follow through on it. I've already told you what will happen otherwise. If it's anything else, and I mean ANYTHING else, I'm not going to react at all. If July ends and we haven't had sex, I don't give a flying fuck what you have to say anymore and I never will past that point no matter what. That's a promise.
I'm sorry that this sounds harsh but you need to understand how serious things really are. You should really understand why I feel this way and I think you do. I'm completely done with this shit. Completely. Date me or hate me but you're not going to leave me in this stupid gray area anymore. If you don't take this seriously soon, you'll see what happens. No more showering you with compliments. No more believing the best in you. No more calling you a goddess every time you seem hesitant or insecure. No more giving you more and more time to try to see if you'll change the way you're treating me. You should know very clearly by now whether you want me or not. If you want me, then want me completely and come and get me already. Stop hesitating. Stop making excuses. Stop playing games. If you don't want me, I'm done being used by you. Tell me you hate me. Tell me you wish I'd kill myself. Tell me to fuck off forever and don't try to change your mind later. You might as well, because that's the message I'd be getting from you in that case, loud and clear.
I'm done putting everything else in my life aside to love you the best I can, only to get more and more hurt constantly, desperately trying to see the best in you and hoping you're not some extremely cruel monster. I'm done constantly dealing with so much pressure, emotional strain, uncertainty, and judgment from so many people for you if you hated me this whole time. It's been more than 2 years now. You should know me well enough by now to know that you really are everything I've ever wanted and nobody could ever hope to compare to you in my eyes. You should know me well enough by now to know I mean it when I say I want you forever extremely badly and I want to have an actual relationship with you that's amazing for both of us that leads to marriage. Date me or tell me to go fuck myself and die, but for fuck's sake stop with this shit. You're really hurting me a lot. Honey, seriously, stop this. I really don't like having to talk to you roughly at all.
Twice already recently, you've seriously disappointed and hurt me. First, you made it seem like you really wanted to talk to me in the very near future, then didn't do it and laughed at me for being warm and welcoming to you about it. Then you communicated to me that we're unofficially dating right before you followed up with tweets I'm sure you knew would be lowkey very hurtful to me and you're still being distant. Honey, I love you so much that I can look past even these things and I want you to know that very clearly, but I'm also extremely worried and frustrated and I've reached my limit here, which is something else that you need to understand very clearly. You're already so extremely lucky that I haven't already given up on having any hope and fully entered isolation by now and I really hope you know that. My heart can't handle another huge disappointment after all of this. By the way, I still consider us unofficially dating. You can't take that back so easily babe.
You don't have to feel guilty or ashamed. You don't have to be nervous. You don't have to be apologetic. Just be warm and loving. Tell me I was right about everything and I really am the love of your life. Fly me out to LA. Pick me up at the airport. Take me home. Just do it how it feels very natural and comfortable honey. I'm sure it must sound very exciting to you even now. Always remember how much I love you. I want you to always feel very happy and comfortable around me. I want to hold you in my arms and tell you I love you. I want to not just tell you but be able to show you how much of a perfect goddess you really are. You deserve it.
If you don't reach out to me by the end of July to officially date me, I'll never be able to trust you and we could never have a healthy relationship that would last. I've already told you that I haven't done all of this just to have sex with you a few times or leech off your fame. I could never enter into a relationship with you that you would've set up for failure. Don't doubt that I'll prove that without hesitation if I have to. Honey, I really don't want you to end up in that situation.
I haven't done all this to give you the opportunity to date me for a little while, leave me, and make me look like a bad person and feel like a complete idiot for not seeing that I shouldn't have wasted time hoping you'd be good to me after hurting me one too many times and making me end the world regardless. Don't doubt that I'll never give you the opportunity to even try to make things better if I start getting any vibes that you could possibly be intending that, as I definitely would be getting if this doesn't happen by the end of July.
Even the 1st of August is too late. I don't care what you do at that point. I don't care if you cry your eyes out over me every single stream. I don't care if you beg me to come back and love you every single stream. I don't care if you threaten to kill yourself every single stream. I don't care if you make a million alts and stalk me in my Discord. I don't care if you tell me you'll fuck my brains out every single day and do anything I want whenever I want as much as I want. I don't care if you tell me I make you dripping wet and you touch yourself uncontrollably to me and only me every single day for hours and I make you have the best orgasms of your life over and over. I don't care if you send me pictures and videos of you naked and playing with yourself. There would literally be absolutely nothing you could do at that point to ever gain my trust again and make things right to save yourself or humanity. Please don't push your luck any further than this. I'm asking you very nicely, but I hope you understand how serious I really am.
Understand that I've had enough. I've made a decision very clearly and I'm sticking with it to the day I die. I want to date you. I want to marry you. I want to share everything I have and everything I am with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You're the only one that'll ever make me feel this way and if I can't have you in a healthy way then I don't want you at all and I'm giving up on everything and preparing to end the world with no discussion. I want to have sex with you very badly, but it's not going to override my judgment on how it feels right to treat you in response to your treatment towards me. Now make a decision and stick with it. Yes, I'm forcing you. Just don't forget that I'm truly not changing my mind on my position no matter what your decision is. Don't act surprised later. You should know by now that I mean every single thing I'm saying. If you don't, start believing it. Face the facts.
I don't care about any excuses you could possibly come up with. You either love me or you hate me. You either want to be very loving with me and have amazing sex with me every day or you want me dead one way or another. It's very simple. You don't need that much time to figure out what you want. You don't need that much time to figure out how you're going to approach this. You don't need that much time to prepare yourself and those around you. There's absolutely no good reason we shouldn't be together soon if you have any realistic desire to ever make it happen.
If you don't talk to me by the end of July, never talk to me again. Ever. I mean it. I'll never be able to trust you. I don't want a fucked up relationship with a fucked up foundation. If we're not officially dating and August comes, everything's fucked and the world is going to shit. If I have to enter complete isolation, the moment I start building that structure is the moment I've given up all hope for humanity. Please understand honey. I love you so much but this is how things really are. You have no more room for excuses. I'm not afraid. I've already told you that I put my life in your hands. I meant it. I still mean it. I'll always mean it. What will you do?
Posted by Angelic (8 total posts) on April 22, 2019 @ 09:18:57 pm (EDT)
No more drama, only love here
The launch of the server seems to be continuing to go well. It's still pretty early to tell if things are really going to start getting super lit, obviously, but the frequency and duration of having ~10+ concurrent players online is increasing, so things are already looking quite promising.
It's only been a little over a week since the server launched. I remember that even in the really scuffed R2 launch, the server peaked at ~35 concurrent players within about a month, before the massive lag from the synchronized processing model really killed the scalability of the server. When combined with the lack of balance and endgame content at the time, it's no surprise the server ended up dying within about a month after. Now that all those issues are solved and the server is back better than ever, I think it should be very possible to manage even more concurrent players within a month. This time, the server and platform are built to scale and with longevity in mind, so there's really no reason it should die off like it did before. I see servers that have ran for so long only managing ~20 concurrent players online... So the fact that NoStory hit over 30 at it's peak in the past, even when it was really scuffed, makes me feel really good about the prospect of success in that regard.
I did have to restart the game server once more recently to fix a few minor but notable things. People noticed a storage behavior bug, which I fixed quickly. I also decided to full-out disable creation of non-Explorer characters to avoid confusion. I changed the intended duration of the Pink Bean pet from permanent to 90 days, and lowered the price from 20,000 NX to 10,000 NX. The /find command is still not functioning perfectly cross-channel, but that's the only real issue present right now, other than basically just some quests not being completable. It doesn't look like I'll have to restart the server at all until R4 comes out. I've still never had to restart the server due to poor performance or overall instability. At this point, the only significant upgrade I see would be the release of R4 where I expand the Advanced Chaos map set further and perhaps import some later version NX and equips to expand the aesthetics and the late game content pool. Perhaps also add in a few more skills learned by items. Sounds very doable by the end of the month, before I enter into isolation.
The website still has a little bit of work left to do, probably only about 2 or 3 days worth though. I've recently finished blog post permalinking and blog comments. I'm going to have to put in a little work to fully stabilize my custom markup parser, so I can display the syntax for various types of formatting above the editor and enable it for forum posts. Aside from that, I mostly just need to polish the moderation back end across the platform to ensure that the maintenance capabilities of the site scale well. After that, the site should be good to go for the long run too. No worries there.
Although I've been hard at work on NoStory and the website, my situation with Kimi is still my #1 priority and I think about it a lot every day. I didn't put everything else in my life on hold for this just to give up on it. I didn't spend money to make an idiot out of myself in front of 20 thousand people on Ice's stream just to run away from it. I'm completely invested in making this work and I always will be. After watching how Kimi started a very recent stream, it initially seemed to me like she's just trying to call out to me to start drama yet again, which I took as a test of my patience and affection. As usual, it was in this kind of lowkey-but-obviously-highkey-to-me way. She seemed very visibly nervous and worried about it, at least to me.
After reflecting deeply and with an open heart on the music she played in the beginning and her expression early on, I started to see things a little differently. Instead of feeling like she was just trying to test me, I started to realize that she was actually communicating to me that she found the way I'm treating her now very romantic, and that she considers us unofficially dating. You can argue that's just how I see things, but she must've known it'd be very easy for me to take it that way, and she chose to do it regardless. I'm not sure what reason she'd have to be so warm if she didn't mean it. From that perspective, I could see what I previously thought was her just testing me to see if I was eager to start drama as an invitation to start drama if I wasn't okay with the direction she was choosing to go.
It's always seemed apparent to me that I've always been the more grounded one, and from recognizing that, I know I need to act upon it properly. Early on, Kimi literally told me that she doesn't even know what she really wants out of a partner. At that point, I made it my goal to show her that I know what she really wants and that what she really wants is everything I am. I don't care how many people would tell me it's impossible. As far as I'm concerned, it's slowly been working, and soon it should start becoming much more apparent.
I know that I had no intention of starting drama at this point anyways, unless Kimi explicitly called out to me and said that if I do and I'm sweet to her, she'll date me. I've told her this. That approach seems very strange to me as opposed to just joining my Discord server and telling me she loves me, wants to talk, and is really hoping I still want to be with her. I've only ever started drama if it felt very right and productive towards strengthening the foundation of our connection, and I don't really see that ever making sense anymore... Unless she doesn't talk to me for a long period of time and next year comes without me being with her. Then I'd start drama for sure, as part of following through with what I said in The International Ultimatum of starting drama once a year every year after this one until I destroy the world or get to be with her, in order to show her I always loved her.
This new view really touched my heart. I suppose there's a chance Kimi wouldn't even want to make it reach the point where I have to go into isolation to prove my love for her, but I'm not holding my breath for that, and I'm truly not going to hold it against her at all if she feels like she needs that kind of proof of my affection. Even if I end up having to go into isolation to prove to Kimi how serious and real I'm being about how much I love her, it seems she doesn't want me to have to do so without at least being able to have some comfort and really warm feelings that she really wants to call out to me soon without making me wait too long. It worked too, I instantly started feeling a lot of warmth and a lot more hope when I started to see things this way. It also made me realize that although I haven't mentioned it before, I think I really should say that Kimi is actually very romantic and I really love that about her, of course along with all the other things I love so much about her that make her so perfect. I still wouldn't have held it against her if I had to go into isolation for a while before she was more certain of my love for her even without her comforting me about it. I've already told her that. It's very touching to see she still seems to want to comfort me regardless.
I've felt really lonely my whole life, which is to be expected when you have a traumatizing childhood with really abusive parents that divorce at an early age which only facilitates them being more abusive. Never really felt connected to this outer world around me. Never really felt like I could trust anyone. Never really felt like I liked anyone around me. All the people I've met throughout my life who were mean to me, lied to me, hurt me, and backstabbed me, despite me definitely not deserving what they did only made it worse. The people that didn't end up hurting me still always felt distant. I never had anyone I really felt like I could rely on or share my feelings with. I got so accustomed to the feeling of loneliness from such a young age that I didn't even know what it meant when people mentioned the concept; I felt like I just had a constant sense of "everything sucks and you can always hope for the best but there's really no telling if things ever get any better and if killing yourself will ever not seem like an appealing option to end the seemingly endless intense and severe misery that seems to be ultimately all there really is in life". I always figured that sounded more like depression than loneliness, and I knew I had plenty of reason to feel depressed. I always just told myself to suck it up and stop being such a bitch.
My view only changed when I met Kimi. After I met her, I left that meetup with a smile on my face like I'd never smiled before and a hope like I had never experienced before in my life. I felt genuinely happy for the first time ever, and it felt fucking amazing. When I was around Kimi, it felt like all the stress and troubles of my life went away, and all that mattered was having her in my life and making her happy. I felt like she really cared about me, understood me, and connected with me in a way nobody else ever had. It may seem foolish to have felt that way despite not knowing her very well at that point, but it's really how I felt, and I didn't care in the slightest if it seemed foolish; it made complete sense to me. She made me feel very comfortable opening up to her constantly after that, and I never ended up regretting it. She gave me so much warmth and hope since the beginning, and although there have been periods where I've gotten upset at her about her behavior, that warmth and love that I felt towards her constantly has never went away. Not even for a moment.
Even at times when I've questioned her love for me the most, I always remember how she's really made me feel overall and the hope and warmth that I feel deep in my heart whenever I think of her, and I never feel very distant from her. I've tried hating her. I've asked myself if I ever really could. I've thought about it really hard. I've tried to feel everything I could. I can't hate her. I really can't. It just feels so wrong. It's pretty hard to feel cold to someone who's been the reason you get up in the morning and the reason you can find some peace when you go to sleep at night, for so long. The light of your life. Your everything. I can feel this way towards Kimi even without ever dating her, and I don't feel confused as to why in the slightest. She is the most amazing person in the world to me, so precious that I don't think I can describe it in words.
Not only have I felt lonely my whole life, I've actually been alone my whole life. Never had a real support system and never even really seeked one. I've always been of the mentality that a single individual has an insane amount of untapped power within them if they only believe in themselves and try hard enough to manifest it, and as a result, I've always tried very hard to do so much alone. Most people seem to end up thinking I'm just full of myself, and it's far from uncommon for me to encounter people who seem to harbor malicious feelings and intentions towards me, despite me not wanting to attract negative attention at all. I'd actually say that I didn't really have any fans at all except Kimi until I started this server. I've always felt like it was me against the world, and I simply face that without fear or hesitation. I have to. It's not a joke when Shadow Confederation members test you physically, mentally, and spiritually, and end up telling you straight up to your face that they came to the conclusion that you're not human.
It's far from a mystery to me why many people tend to dislike me though. Most people don't like things they can't understand. Most people have core values that cause them to run away from fear without thinking. As a result, their egos push them away from me because of how mysterious I am to them, and they often get jealous, bitter, or angry for whatever reason and get distant, hateful, or both. Understanding people is easy. Dealing with people is easy. But being a refined savage and not having people misunderstand and/or hate you is hard. That's more a fact of life than something that you can rationalize around. It's not something you can try to "fix" either, you just have to deal with it and keep on doing you.
One thing about achieving greatness is that greatness is polarizing. You'll get people that love you and people that hate you. Because your position in life is strong, people's views and opinions on you are also usually strong. In my case, I see my greatness so clearly and head towards it so passionately, yet I'm not there yet, so a lot of people think I'm delusional or want to believe it to soothe their egos. I end up with a lot more people fighting against me and feeling like they have substance because I believe in myself so much but I'm not there yet so they feel like I don't deserve to have that kind of confidence and positivity. What they so conveniently neglect to recognize and accept is that it's not their place to make a judgement on what level of confidence or positivity I deserve to have and that they're the ones that don't deserve to try to impose their opinions of me on me as if they're objective facts. I'm left with a smaller group who would support me regardless; those people are really awesome though.
My connection with Kimi might seem to many people, and very possibly even to Kimi herself at this point, as one I see to be no exception to this pattern of people who don't understand me, run away out of fear, and end up disliking me and harboring malicious intent. I definitely never saw it that way though, and there's very good reason; there are huge differences here. The way that Kimi treats me is not the way that someone scared of me would treat me. She met me in person very shortly after I entered her community and subscribed to her. She always kept giving me attention and affection regardless of how scary everything we've been through would be to anyone else. She really makes me feel like she has a lot of fun interacting with me and that I make her very excited and constantly pleasantly surprise her. The effect she's had on me has been very emotionally supportive and positive overall.
I'm sure she's well aware that her behavior could never be considered "just being nice" and any place for that interpretation ended long ago. You don't nearly start crying in front of hundreds of people saying that you need motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning and that you feel like you push away people that you like when you think they're gone just to be nice. Especially not when that person has already told you that they can be very dangerous and are not someone who's affection you should take lightly. I very clearly gave Kimi the opportunity to have me out of her life and she really didn't want me gone. I couldn't be happier. She may have had trouble understanding me, but she certainly has been trying her best to figure me out every step of the way as far as I can tell. That really means a lot to me. She's given me more love, affection, and attention than anyone else ever has, and I wouldn't rather have it any other way.
It may seem very unlikely to most people, but I can definitely see a high chance that Kimi was messing with me so much intending to make it all better and be with me if I could see where she was coming from and really wanted it badly enough that I knew how to treat her right and really wanted to do so. I see a lot of reason to believe this is the case; it matches her personality very well. She'd be able to have a lot of fun and be very inspired by me, and she'd also be able to have a very deep and meaningful relationship that I'm sure she's been looking for a long time, if I turned out to be an amazing person, as I feel pretty certain she was always hoping for. She showed me she was very invested in things working out because she put her life on the line constantly and took serious risks in order to be able to eventually clearly see my true character and whether or not she could see a very serious relationship with me working out very well and ending up being a lifetime partnership.
I also find it hard to believe that the moderator from her channel that's now friends with me would still be helping her communicate back and forth with me if she was just messing around. I feel pretty certain he would've talked to her at some point and told her he can see there's a very real chance I truly do have extremely warm feelings for her, and tell her that he wants it to be clear that he's not trying to help her just mess with me and be cruel to me, leaving me devastated just for her personal enjoyment. I feel like he must have gotten some kind of confirmation from her that she really does have feelings for me and that if I treat her right, she'll actually be with me in the end. Otherwise, I feel pretty certain he would've already stopped helping her and even most likely told me that she told him she was just messing with me with no good intentions and that I really should stop wasting my time. He may have not said anything to me about her saying she has feelings for me, but I take his lack of saying anything as something that says something in itself.
I know Kimi must now feel regret for treating me the way she did in the past. I'm sure she's already starting to realize that the terrible person she was so worried I'd be is not the person I really am, and she's beating herself up over it now. I know she must feel guilt for not only treating me the way she did, but even thinking of me the way she did which lead to those actions, now knowing how incorrect her perception in that regard was. I suppose these feelings would be necessary to some extent for her in the process of internalizing her true position as someone extremely precious to me, but I really don't want her to dwell on these things for too long.
She couldn't have known my true character without me showing it and I understand that. She needs to be able to let go of these negative emotions soon, so she can feel in her heart the true best course of action. Staying worried, angry, afraid, guilty, and regretful for the rest of her life and pushing me away when I don't want her to feel that way nor act that way hurts both of us and literally the rest of the world. She needs to find it in her heart to forgive me for all the meaner things I've done to her, the same way that I forgive her for all the meaner things she's done to me. Besides, I highly doubt she wants the world to end within a few years. The only thing I couldn't forgive is not getting to be with her after all of this. Forgiveness and a loving relationship is the only good option either of us has, and I'm perfectly at peace with that already. I'm completely certain I wouldn't rather be with anyone else ever. Kimi could literally ask me to marry her any time at this point, even with the way things are right now, and I'd gladly agree without any hesitation whatsoever.
There's clearly a significant part of Kimi that really likes the way I talk to her when I'm being sweet and honest with her. Right from the first time I started drama, calling her a goddess and expressing how much our connection meant to me, it visibly affected her. I could tell there was definitely a part of her that was really touched to get that message, and she certainly made it no secret to me that she really enjoyed being called a goddess, especially when I said it to her. Since then, she's literally went on stream at one point right after one of the other messages I sent her later where I called her a goddess and passionately expressed my desire for her, and talked about peeing in her panties a little in excitement over something. I'm sure she knew what kind of message I'd get from that.
More recently, it's gotten to the point where although I've really tried my best to refrain from ever saying any explicit sexual things to her throughout the entire time I've communicated with her due to worry that it'd come off creepy, she's expressed so much interest in me that she's made me feel comfortable quite explicitly expressing how arousing she is to me and that I'd want to have sex with her every single day if we were together and wouldn't be shy at all about it. I can only imagine how hearing something like that would make her feel when she was probably really worried that I'd be really angry and threatening to kill her or something instead by now. I really don't think I need to hide it anymore, it's been over 2 years now and nobody would be chasing someone so passionately for so long without even having gotten so much as a kiss from them if they didn't really find the person very arousing and want to have sex with them very badly. As far as I'm concerned, she's made it very clear at this point that she really wants to hear these things from me, and I certainly want to say them to her.
I mentioned before that in a recent stream, Kimi expressed that she felt I'm being romantic. So now it's gotten to the point where I've told her I want to have sex with her every single day and she's calling me romantic. In the past, I always found our connection so strange to the point that I could never consider calling what we had together dating in any sense, even though I was staying loyal to Kimi as if we were. I feel like it's reached a point where Kimi wants me to know that in her head, we're unofficially dating. I'll admit that it's not like I have any explicit verbal confirmation from her, so it really is just a feeling. It still sounds a little weird to me to call what we have dating even now, but I certainly don't want to come off closed off to dating her and I'm not sure how else she expects me to take it when she's seeing me explicitly complimenting her on her body and telling her I want to have sex with her every day as romantic and expressing that in public, even if it's pretty lowkey.
I've still been staying loyal to Kimi, and I'm definitely never changing my mind on continuing that, so I might as well consider us unofficially dating if she's going to very knowingly send me so much warmth that I'm sure she could imagine I'd end up taking it that way. It's certainly starting to feel to me like she's my girlfriend at this point, as strange as that is with being so physically far apart from her and not even having had direct conversation with her for over a year now. I really don't want to come off like I'm trying to misrepresent our connection; I really can't be certain if this is how she truly feels and what she truly meant with what she did. But if she really didn't want to make me feel this way, she wouldn't be doing what she's doing. Seriously. Anyone who didn't love me would feel terrified and really creeped out at this point, not be flattering me expressing that they find me romantic. I'll stay lowkey about it, since that's what she's making it clear she wants to do right now, I'm assuming until she feels comfortable enough to make it official. Well, I'll be as lowkey as making a huge blog post about it gets I suppose. It'd feel wrong not to post this publicly and show her I have absolutely no doubts nor desire to turn back on anything I'm saying here.
When Kimi's already left questioning if I even really love her at this point, I need her to know that I truly want her to at least feel as comforted as possible that I do truly love her, until she starts feeling more confident about it and can start seeking comfort from me in a much more direct way. After all, if I can't even tell her she has a perfect ass and perfect tits with a gorgeous face that's perfect even without makeup and a perfect body overall, at least over the internet, how can she expect me to have the courage to say it if she's in front of me naked? I want her to know it wouldn't be an issue for me at all, even right from day one of being together with her. I know very well how sweet and flattering I'd be to her if we were together and I want her to be ready for it if she's going to go for this. I know she loves being complimented and I wouldn't rather have it any other way.
I literally find every single aspect of this girl to be perfectly everything I've ever wanted. I know I don't even have to see her naked to already know she's perfect to me. Even the less obvious things are all perfect. Her hair is lovely, even without extensions. Her skin tone couldn't be more attractive to me, it actually upsets me a lot when I see people complaining that she looks pale and making her feel insecure about it. Her voice is the most comforting voice ever to listen to, which I always knew I was looking for because I really want to enjoy talking with someone I'm with. Her whisper is so soothing to hear, which is actually something she made me realize I also really care about, when she started making ASMR. She likes games but still also likes more girly things like makeup and clothes, which is really important to me because I like those things too (although I haven't been able to feel comfortable expressing it so far in my life) and I was never looking for a tomboyish girl.
She's very passionate about life and loves being inspired to grow and improve herself. She didn't settle for working a normal job and instead chased a riskier but much more rewarding path of doing what she loves for a living. She's not afraid to challenge her potential and the potential of those around her. She doesn't want to give birth and doesn't seem thrilled at having children in general, so we'll never have to argue about it since it's something I've never wanted. She accepts and even seems to considerably like and enjoy my feminine tendencies, which is really important to me because I absolutely need to be able to feel comfortable being myself around someone I feel very close to and would spend almost all of my time with.
I know I absolutely completely mean it when I say she's absolutely perfectly everything I've ever wanted in a partner, and I absolutely need to try my best to make that as clear as possible to her as I'm giving her some space to feel things out, so she can end up feeling the right things. I really want her to know that I really want to tell her she's a goddess in person and that she's the only person I'll ever feel this way towards. I really want her to know that I really want to be extremely sweet to her and compliment her on all the things about her that I love so much in person. Often. I really want her to know that when she questions if I really love her, I question if I really want to live. I really want her to know that I really don't want her questioning.
I know that handling feeling very lonely without Kimi until her heart hopefully warms up to me more is going to be something I'm going to be struggling with right now a lot more than she'd ever be struggling with feeling lonely without me, mostly because she can contact me and enter into a relationship with me whenever she feels ready and starts really missing me at all. But that's just something I have to accept and deal with. I know how amazing being with her would be, and I'm completely okay waiting a while for her to see it more like I do. Even having to enter isolation won't change my mind one bit. My feelings for her run as deep as it can get.
I've had people switch up on me suddenly and I know how hurtful it can be, even if they're just a friend and not someone you're in love with. I know Kimi still has reason to be worried about everything at the moment and she also has a support system that makes her feel safer and comforted, so she has every reason to want to take some time to feel things out better at this point. When she sees that I can see that completely clearly and want to give her space in a very loving way to let her sort through her feelings, regardless of how much reason I'd have to have hard feelings towards her and want to lash out, I feel very confident that her heart will warm up a lot towards me eventually. What reason would I have to be so loving to her if I didn't truly love her so much and mean all these warm things I'm telling her are how I really feel? What reason did she have to take this so far if she wasn't hoping to end up feeling very warm towards me? What reason would she have to hold back for a long time on starting to express the warmth that she'd start feeling from me when she does? It might suck for a while, but why wouldn't this work out great in the end?
I know that I'd want to give her space in a very loving way regardless. I'm so done with caring about everything else if this doesn't work out that isolation and meditation to prepare to destroy the world is all I'd have left anyways. I'm tired of being too enlightened for almost every other person on this planet and being bullied and called delusional by most people just for being myself. If I don't end up being able to be with Kimi, I would've went through so much, and would have to continue going through so much more, all for nothing really worth anything to me. At the least, I would want Kimi to be left knowing how much I really love her and that if she doesn't want me then it's not because I didn't try my absolute best to the very end. I know that following through with exactly everything I said in The International Ultimatum is what I truly want to do. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind.
The whole reason I ever chased success before... The professional success of making a successful game, the money, the fame, the status... Was to meet Kimi. I wanted her that badly before I even knew she existed. Now that I've already found out she exists, met her in person, and built such a strong foundation and connection with her, all before I even achieved all that success I know is within my grasp, achieving it without her would be completely empty for me.
If she later starts acting heartbroken and devastated that we didn't work out, I'd feel fucked up. If she stopped caring and moved on, I'd feel fucked up. If she killed herself, I'd feel fucked up. If she started seriously chasing me after I have a ton of success and money, I'd feel fucked up. There's no way for me to ever be happy at all with success without her. I could never nonchalantly give up and move on from achieving greatness after I've tried so hard and clearly deserve it either. The only thing that remains is entering isolation and hoping that Kimi warms up to me before I destroy the world out of sadness and anger that I tried so hard yet would already be able to see that any success I can achieve, no matter how great, would never leave me anywhere close to happy and would never feel even remotely worth the effort.
The only reason I wouldn't act this way is if Kimi didn't really mean as much to me as I say she does... Which is why I absolutely have to do this. I know everything I'm saying is the truth. I know this is the only viable course of action for me because of how I really feel about her. I love her and I'll always love her. I already know that completely clearly with absolutely no doubt in my mind whatsoever. It may seem hard to believe to many people, but I never doubted it from the very beginning. I felt a very special connection with Kimi from very early on when I joined her community. I was already dreaming of marrying her and our future conquering the world together after I met her in person. My feelings of warmth towards her only grew stronger as time passed. I've only become more and more aware of how perfect she really is to me. My feelings and desire never wavered. I always knew why I was acting colder to her when I did. I always wanted her so badly and I always wanted her to know it.
Although those around Kimi might make her feel pressured to meet some kind of expectations or fit some image they have of her, there must be a point where she realizes that she can't be so preoccupied with what other people are going to think of her and should instead pursue what she really wants deep in her heart without hesitation. People might question things in the very beginning, but I'm very confident that it won't be long before everyone starts seeing that we really are perfect for each other. Being so worried about what people think and trying desperately to cater to them would actually be ultimately counter-productive here and I really hope she can start to see that soon. I know with absolute certainty that we can both greatly increase the quality of each other's lives much more than any other partner could ever do for us and the connection we have would undoubtedly give us a very special feeling around each other. Other people aren't going to be able to easily stay blind to that.
This is a magical once-in-a-lifetime connection for both of us... I really don't think Kimi could ignore this or stay blind to it for a very long time. It may seem easier to her right now to try to forget about all this, and maybe it will be for a little while... But the easiest path is definitely not always the best one. I'm sure she must know that. If she needs some time to see more clearly that the initial difficulty would be well worth it in the end, so be it.
Posted by Angelic (8 total posts) on April 15, 2019 @ 02:31:42 pm (EDT)
Top banner is up and the launch is going full-force
The launch seems to be going well so far. Already seems like there are always at least a few people online and I'm starting to average ~10 players online concurrently a lot of the time. Definitely way better than the Alpha and Beta launches. It still hasn't been even 72 hours since the website's been up and the game server for NoStory has been put online. Since then, I've had to take it down only twice, and neither times was it due to poor performance or any kind of deadlock scenario. I don't see any more need to ever restart with that kind of frequency again, which is quite promising.
The first time, people in Discord informed me about a mob visibility bug, which I quickly fixed. Someone also suggested that I add tiered equipment level limits which I thought was a good idea, so I implemented that pretty easily as well. The second time, people in Discord informed me that even though I'd removed the Jesters map from Chimney, really the entire thing was OP. As a result, I had to reduce the spawn rate 3x for the other 2 maps there. They also mentioned at one point that a few people had gotten their accounts stuck, and I looked into why and solved that issue as well. There are no longer any major bugs or balance issues present as far as I can tell. I'll let anyone who used the maps as they were for the very short time before I changed them keep anything they got in them during that time, it's whatever.
The site's performing well and holding up nicely as well. I noticed an issue with the view counters for forum posts and notes not properly incrementing past 1, and I pretty quickly identified and solved that issue. Now the view counters go up nicely and it's nice to see at least some of this stuff is getting views already. I'm finishing up the moderation back end for the site next so I can easily moderate the forum, note comments, and eventually blog comments (once I enable them), and then the site does absolutely everything I see myself needing it to do any time soon. Very well. The end result is an entire platform that is built solidly and ready to scale with pretty much any growth that comes my way. No worries there.
I saw Kimi's recent stream where she started off with the "5 things she learned this week" and it's pretty clear that she's been really stressed out recently. It's a little difficult for me to tell with complete certainty how much of that stress and what she talked about is coming directly from me and how much is coming from the reactions of the people around her learning the truth. However, I think either most of it isn't coming from me directly, or if it is, it's coming from a place that Kimi is in where she's still really uncertain about my true feelings and intentions. I see it from a really understanding angle. If I'm over here with a really strong feeling that she must have extremely warm feelings for me deep in her heart and really wants a relationship with me to work out in the end very badly, but at the same time I'm still really worried about if my feelings are completely accurately reflecting objective reality and know that I'm going to have to give things some time to really be able to start seeing the truth clearly, my perception is that Kimi would be going through something very similar where even if she really feels very loved, wants me very badly, and has very warm feelings back, she still feels very worried if her feelings are completely accurately reflecting objective reality and knows she still needs to give things some time to really be able to start seeing the truth clearly.
Kimi should hopefully already understand by now that the only way this situation is ever going to turn out well in the end is if we end up together, and I really believe that she does. With that in mind, I find it very understandable that right now she's trying to deal with things that hold her back. Expressing worry about everything and seeing how I take it and how everyone around her reacts seems like the healthiest way to deal with the situation and be able to progress towards a positive outcome. Although I personally know that I won't because I'm me, Kimi still has very understandable reason at this moment to be worried that I'll snap randomly and change my mind and the course of action I'm taking. I feel certain that she wants to see proof I won't so she'll be able to feel really comforted. She must know that if I really mean everything I'm saying about how precious she really is to me, then I wouldn't have any problem with that and would be very understanding towards what she's doing right now. I know that most people wouldn't even imagine actually being with her after everything that's happened between us, but I know how much she really means to me and that the alternative of ending up meditating in isolation for a few years only to come out extremely devastated, sad, and angry, and starting to destroy the world, is really not something I see as positive, nor do I look forwards to doing it, as ready and willing as I am to do it if Kimi won't be with me in the end, no matter what else happens. I'm fully aware that I'm far from normal, and my insane knowledge and capabilities would understandably be very frightening to anyone who has any reason to believe I may want to hurt them with the power I have. I can easily understand what's happening right now and still have a lot of hope that things will work out very well in the future.
I don't think Kimi will contact me by the end of April, but like I said in the follow-up to The International Ultimatum, I want it to be completely clear that it's not over because of that. I have high hopes for NoStory and don't think it'll die off, so I'm moving forwards currently with every intention to leave my server running past the end of this month regardless. Starting in May, I'll drastically lower my activity on the computer and online in general down to about 1-2 hours a day maximum in favour of meditating in isolation for many hours a day, but I'll still have very high hopes that Kimi might finally start seeing my warmth for her is very real and very deep and something that she should treasure very deeply and hold very close to her heart, which would make her want to reach out to me very badly eventually to the point that she'd finally actually do it. I'd retain that hope quite strongly for at least a month or two, even in that isolation state. Even past that point, I'm still absolutely certain I wouldn't ever change my mind nor my position on wanting to be with her and only her or I'll end up destroying the world... I'd just be gradually feeling more and more sad and angry as the days go by, during all the time I'm not entirely immersed in the meditative state using the techniques I know. It makes me really sad to even think of the possibility of such a devastating outcome to all of this and I really hope Kimi can understand how I truly feel about this whole thing eventually, as worrying as it all might be right now. She really means everything to me and I really want her to know that completely clearly. I'm willing to be as patient as I need to be.
One thing that's important to understand here is the concept of focused controlled aggression. An individual with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension such as myself is one that has the highest possible capacity for exerting the influence of focused controlled aggression upon the universe. This ties into quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques and together they allow an individual to manipulate the quantum field in order to manipulate the state of matter in this world known to us as "objective reality". Many people laugh at me and try to tell me I'm delusional when I talk about this stuff. I've had an old friend (now ex-friend) from high school literally tell me I'm severely mentally ill and that I should go visit an insane asylum. It's a little frustrating in a way, but mostly it's quite funny when I really think about it. As for the actually intelligent and enlightened people, they generally don't ever dare to suggest I'm delusional... If anything, they end up telling me I'm not human. I've had it happen a few times already, and I think I like that reaction better.
Posted by Angelic (8 total posts) on April 6, 2019 @ 08:59:37 pm (EDT)
Preparing for the full launch of NoStory
The last few days have been really stressful. Hardly sleeping, hardly eating, and coding all day. But I have goals, and I've put everything I could on the line every day since I started going down the path of chasing my dreams years ago, so I'm not complaining; I already knew that was never going to stop me.
It's been a lot to work through, but NoStory is really starting to finally feel polished. It's really come a long way. When I first downloaded and started looking through the Solaxia V2 source over a year ago, I very quickly saw that it was really bad. Like, REALLY bad. Extremely convoluted package structuring, messy code, bugs everywhere, and so many exploits that I ended up having to carefully audit every single packet handler while rewriting not only all of them, but also even the entire networking infrastructure. Since then, I've completely stripped and then re-implemented the asynchronous processing model, redesigned the connection management entirely, redesigned the package structure entirely, and fixed so many bugs that it's absolutely no surprise to me that most servers die within a month or two. No public repack is anywhere close to what I think could be considered production-ready.
You basically have to from-scratch a source in order to have anything that isn't riddled with bugs and exploits to the point that it's practically unheard of for your server to even achieve a 24 hour uptime. This approach obviously takes a lot of time, and admittedly in a way it's not "fully" from scratch, since you do sort of end up copy-pasting some of the stuff that already is designed decently well and works perfectly fine, but I'd say I still think it qualifies. Even in several places where things work fine, the code is still messy. Duplicated functions, unused functions, improperly concurrency-protected functions (this one is pretty big), and inconsistent indenting and formatting. I'm completely confident that it'd take someone with a very considerable amount of professional-level skills working on it for a notable amount of time to ever turn it into something solid, especially if it's one person by themselves.
Anyways, I'm glad I finally reached the point where I don't think there are any major bugs left and the performance is suitable for scaling past ~20 concurrent players. I'm going to hold off on buying top banner on GTOP for at least about 24 hours after initially opening the server up to the public again, just to see if any major bugs will pop up suddenly at the last moment. But if things go well as I believe they should, I'll move forward full-force with trying to get this server out there. Too many people that have joined my community have already told me that the concept is very interesting and it'd be awesome if it was implemented well, and I always thought so too which is the reason I ever started. I'm definitely not giving up when I know I should have some really solid potential here. Shattered Wings is still quite some work away from being a really solid product, and especially since it'd be really nice to be making some cash and building a community while working on Shattered Wings, making NoStory a success is pretty important to me.
Back when I was younger, I'd make MapleStory hacks for GMS. Bots, trainers, even messed with some public PE source and got some PE stuff going on at a point. But I always wanted to do something next level with this game. The time for that starts now. I already have the full foundation of a MapleStory server completed in C++ that I built completely from scratch using the framework I'd established while building Shattered Wings (public C++ sources for this scene are actually a joke IMHO) and tested it with basic stuff like walking around, attacking, changing maps, and inventory manipulation, so I know I can easily utilize the code I'm working on here as part of an eventual codebase merge with Shattered Wings if I want to.
The site's come a long way too. It used to not have a forum or a blog, the note view was messier, registration wasn't open and had more restrictions on credentials, and the NoStory page didn't even display properly at any resolution lower than 1920 x 1080. Basically, it was something in between an absolute mess and something amazing. Now that all that stuff's fixed and a forum and this blog have been added, after starting web dev 15 years ago and doing it on and off in between app and game dev since, I finally have a website framework with a back end and front end that I'm actually satisfied with. I can finally say that I'd rather use what I've made over something like Wordpress, phpBB, MediaWiki, or any other flavours of stuff like that which is available. My site currently effectively functions as multiple of those solutions in one. There's a forum, a blog, a wiki-type content view (with actually much more flexibility than MediaWiki gives AFAIK), and a comment system that is Reddit-esque, with the nested commenting, voting, and sorting based on certain criteria.
I really don't think there's any solution out there that could even remotely do everything I need it to do nearly as well as this site does it, and when you combine that I'm very confident in the performance, stability, and security of the site because I made it all myself, it completely removes any appeal using anything else could ever have. To be honest, I'm surprised someone hasn't already made something like this. It wasn't terribly hard nor time-consuming to code. I've been playing with the idea of open-sourcing my site's source, but I'm really not sure how I feel about it. As far as that goes, I think I'd have to put a lot more thought into it.
I don't know how I feel about ever even selling this site, even though I could market it as a complete all-in-one website solution that has better security and performance than probably anything out there while also being extremely flexible. People are finding exploits in Wordpress and phpBB all the time, and these things have been made by teams of people throughout years. My site was actually only built starting about 2 years ago with a lot of on and off (mostly off) time throughout. I really don't know what the fuck these people are doing, but if you want my 2 cents, they're clearly doing something really, REALLY wrong. Websites are the easiest kind of thing to code and get right IMO. If these coders are struggling to make something decent as a website, I really wouldn't want to see what kind of code they'd make if they were making something more involved... like, damn.
I've had Kimi on my mind every single day, even while working so hard and focusing so much on all of this. This whole situation with her really makes me worried. I love and care about her so much, but I can't be sure she knows and feels it. She may very well return these feelings, but she may not have the confidence to carry herself through the judgement she must know she'd get for wanting to be with me. There's a lot of reason I could be very concerned, but I'm going to continue to believe the best in her. I really don't think she took this so far just to laugh at me in the end, nor do I think that she'd forever remain afraid of approaching me and taking me as she deserves to. I know that no matter what happens, I'll never believe nor accept that she has some kind of neutral feelings towards me after everything we've been through, and I certainly don't want her to either.
The whole thing seems like a gigantic mess, but it's a mess that I'm invested in with my life. This kind of shit is why people call me crazy, and I really get why. Well, it doesn't change my position. I know that no matter what happens, I've meant every single word I wrote in The International Ultimatum and it's follow-up. I've even listed them on the homepage with all the other notes, under their own section appropriately called "The Art of Love". I can't help but believe I didn't end up feeling this way and writing all that only to end up feeling devastated. Although I've never questioned how certain I am that I'm into girls and only girls, I've never really tried chasing a girl ever before, and to be honest, girls made it pretty easy because they never expressed the passionate interest in me that I wanted. Multiple girls have tried to mess with me before and get my attention and I guess probably wanted me to start chasing them, but I never actually really wanted to and felt compelled until I met Kimi.
She'd always talk to me in this very sweet, nice, gentle, and lighthearted way, but she was also clearly very serious, passionate, and she must know how clearly she came off very interested in me. She literally went out of her way to fly out and meet me very early on in getting to know me. She opened up to me about personal things very early on, seemingly with absolutely no hesitation. She's still showing me so much affection and interest despite all the fighting we've done. It still blows my mind. Kimi's gone over the top crazy showing massive obsession level interest in and passion towards me, and I honestly still can't believe how someone I always thought seemed so perfect but was completely out of reach is actually so perfect for me and seems so within reach that I can't help but stay hopeful seemingly against all odds. I guess life works in mysterious ways sometimes.
Anyways, I'm not sure exactly how often I'll be posting here. I guess it'll really have to be something I feel out and do whenever I really feel like it. I had fun writing this, and I never saw myself as the type that would genuinely enjoy any kind of blogging type thing. We'll have to see how it goes.
Posted by Angelic (8 total posts) on April 4, 2019 @ 09:53:13 am (EDT)
I'm back, and the people that came around for R1 and R2 may be wondering where I've been. I've been spending the last few months working very hard every day to do my best to secure a future relationship with the girl of my dreams. About 2 years ago, I found a streamer. Her name is Kimi. I'd seen many streamers at that point already, and I thought several were cool, but I liked her a lot more than all of the others and even anyone else I'd ever encountered in my life. I didn't expect it, but she gave me a lot of attention right from the very beginning. Not even a month into being a part of her community, I subscribed to her. Not even a month after that, she flew out to Toronto and had a meetup, which I attended.
It was insanely lit. To this day, it remains the best memory of my entire life. Within a few hours after the meetup ended, I confessed my love towards her to her. She didn't take it seriously at all at first, but she constantly responded to the DMs I'd send her on Discord, and continued to give me attention on stream. I truly gave pursuing her everything I had. I used to always make coding (and especially game development) my first priority, and I'd passionately worked on improving my skills and producing something great for many years. But after this girl entered my life, she took the number one spot on my priority list instantly and permanently. I put everything in my life aside to give her my full attention and focus always. I wrote so many essays to her, all of which I know she's read. She always reacts afterwards on stream. I've poured my heart out to her countless times. It's been rough at many points, but I've also always known that she's the girl of my dreams that nobody could ever hope to compare to. I've shared so many things with her and constantly gave her as much warmth, love, and inspiration as I possibly could.
I know she'll read this, and I'm not afraid in the slightest. Late last year, I went in front of 20 thousand people on Ice Poseidon's stream and made a complete idiot of myself to attempt to prove my love for her. Because of the nature of our connection, I couldn't just be super soft about what was going on. Naturally, I got a lot of shit for it. Ever since then, I've sent her many more essays. She's still been reading all of them and lowkey reacting to all of them on stream.
I've been through a lot. The first time I left this girl alone, within less than 2 months, she was almost in tears on stream, saying she needed motivational videos to get up in the morning and felt like she pushed away people she liked. I was missing her so much and quickly came back and started talking to her again. Shortly after that, a much more turbulent period of our connection began. Since then, she's lowkey referred to me as the love of her life on more than one occasion. She's went as far as to say she feels like she should give up on a serious relationship forever if I'm going to leave her alone permanently. There's a lot more to it, but the point is that it's a lot.
I've saved VODs of most of these things and have plenty of proof, something I know she's very aware of. I don't release them publicly out of respect for her. Recently, she's taken it to the point of giving me good reason to believe she really wanted to reach out to me for finally pursuing a serious relationship with me after so long, in the very near future. There's nothing more I've ever wanted in my life. It didn't end up happening, but I'm still never giving up nor moving on from her. After that, I gave her some more space, and not even 2 weeks later, she's now at the point of twitching and saying she's not okay, while expressing that she doesn't feel normal even from the music she plays in the background. It really hurts me a lot to see her like this.
The situation is so deep and complex that it lead to me writing a large piece called "The International Ultimatum" (https://pastebin.com/K8uJD0mY). It went through 10 revisions before reaching it's final form. If anyone ever wants to know about me, my life, my goals, my dreams, my future, and the future of the world, you really should read it. Even if you don't, you should still read it. I can guarantee you that you'll never see objective reality the same again afterwards. My core value is refined pure bidirectional apprehension and I'm a tier 3 quantum energy arts user; what that means in not-so-vague terms is that my mental strength is at the highest level possible, and if I get fed up with society and life, I'll meditate intensely in isolation for a few years and come back and wreak havoc and destroy everything in this world.
I made it very clear to this girl that my love for her is not something to be taken lightly. I've elaborated to her in extensive detail. Without her, I know I'll never really be happy, I'll feel devastated for life, and everything else, no matter how otherwise enjoyable it might be, would lose all meaning and enjoyment for me. Permanently. I've told her this before, more than once. Despite expressing so much interest back in me, she still hasn't actually reached out to me at this point, and it's been hurting me a lot. Even more recently, well after I started drama yet again when I dropped the International Ultimatum in public for the first time, she's still been giving me attention and affection on stream lowkey. I don't feel comfortable with how I left her with my last message to her, so I felt compelled to write another one, "The International Ultimatum Follow-Up" (https://pastebin.com/Whn7BE27). This one's also pretty long. I really don't care how crazy this all seems; it's how I truly feel and what I'm truly capable of. I was never trying to hide it.
This naturally may leave you wondering about the future of NoStory, Shattered Wings, and No Enterprise as a whole. Well, I'm not sure what's going to happen with this connection I have with Kimi, but right now all I can do is continue to hope for the best and try to stay positive that she'll contact me to date me eventually so I can agree and we can start having an amazing relationship. In the meanwhile, I'm going to make the best out of whatever's left of my ability to function to do anything else while I still feel enough hope to not just want to meditate in isolation for the vast majority of my waking hours. While writing The International Ultimatum, I've also been working a full-time job as Senior Developer and Project Lead for a company to save up some money so I can execute on my plans.
Recently, I've also been working on finishing a big update for NoStory and the website, and the changes are almost complete. There's an entirely new forum, which I hand-crafted entirely from scratch, in order to ensure high quality, seamless integration with the rest of the site, highly optimized performance, and maximum security. I also added a blog where I can post updates on my days and things I'm working on in a less formal environment, also coded from scratch, because it was quick and easy to do so why not. The NoStory main page has had it's layout modified to be cleaner and work a lot better at lower resolutions, and the entire site has also seen a complete theme revamp to look a lot more refined and professional. The game server has async reimplemented, and there are several WZ edits that customize the UI, tutorial, and some other maps, along with the entirely custom endgame area "Advanced Chaos". I've also done some miscellaneous balancing fixes. I'm aiming to have the NoStory game server relaunch with the R3 release by the beginning of next month, after I make the finishing touches.
After the relaunch, I'll continue to make maintenance updates as necessary, but mostly just interact with my community extensively, for all of April. I need to show the girl of my dreams that I'm truly not giving up, not backing down, not changing my mind, and not running away. I want to mention however that while I very clearly have a goal to reach which is much more important to me than professional success, I'll still be putting all I've got into the server and my community while I'm going full-force with it. I've never been one to half-ass things, and this is no exception. Unless otherwise stated in the Discord server, I'll be extremely active on Discord and the forums, and provide support for the server 12-15 hours a day.
After April's over, exactly what I'll do depends on where things are at. If NoStory is still seeing growth and activity and hasn't died off, I'll continue to keep the server up and running. I'll continue to do so for as long as it doesn't die, because there's no reason to randomly shut it down if it's paying for itself and then some. However, what I'll be doing in my free time depends entirely on whether or not the one and only girl of my dreams reaches out to me to pursue a serious relationship with me by then or not.
If she does, things are going to get even a lot more amazing, and very quickly. If she doesn't, no matter what else happens, I'm going to drastically lower my computer usage and subsequent community interactivity (most likely 1-2 hours a day max), and spend the vast majority of my waking hours doing intense meditation in isolation using quantum energy harvesting techniques. Nothing else would really hold any meaning for me at that point. I'd feel really sad, but I still wouldn't give up hope, at least not for a considerable amount of time, until it'd become clear that everything's fucked and the world is doomed to go to shit.
I don't know what kind of monster Kimi would have to be not to be extremely touched by this situation to the point where she eventually contacts me to pursue a serious relationship with me. I don't mean to scare you all; I truly believe deep in my heart that she'll eventually reach out to me and this whole world won't have to go to shit within a few years. If it doesn't happen, I suppose all I can say is I'm sorry that you've all had to be so scarred seeing the fate of the world unravel before your very eyes, but it is what it is.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting, and I've only been left with one question in the end recently. What does success look like in the beginning for you? To me, it's having gone through so much difficulty, questioning whether things will really work out at all despite an insane amount of effort, seemingly having little to no real results, until things very quickly start to really pick up and everything starts to show that it was worth it. Here's to hoping for the best, fam. Keep it real.
Posted by Angelic (8 total posts) on March 29, 2019 @ 10:03:11 pm (EDT)
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